Hello,

I'm married to a beautiful wife who I love with all my heart. I want to share my story with you and hopefully give you some insight in to the mind of a depressed husband.

I'm 28
My wife is 24

I'm Irish and she is Brazilian.

We met in Ireland and got married in December 2012. In February 2013 we both moved to Brazil to start our fantastic new lives together.

My depression started soon after I moved to brazil. I didn't realise how hard it would be to leave family, friends and my successful job. At first I was excited but then the realities set in. Brazil is not an easy place to live compared to Europe. For example in my short time here I have been robbed, and witnessed 4 people getting shot. Some will say I've been unlucky but it doesn't change the reality. However by the time these dangerous events happened I was already deep in my depression.

As we our newlyweds there is a lot of change especially for me, due to me leaving my family, friends and having the pressure of finding a job and learning a new language. To cut a long story short I began feeling rather isolated and frustrated because things where not moving as fast as I would normally like. Because our families where helping us settle we had to move to their timing. During this phase there was a lot of false promises by them. For example "this week we will decide on where to live". Weeks and eventually months would pass with no firm action. I'm a very decisive person so I began to get stressed and trapped. I couldn't take control due to the language barrier. I'm used to my freedom. My wife's family is also very close and demanded a lot of our attention. I started working which was excellent but I'm working very long hours. My wife also started working too. This was fantastic.

The stress started to turn into a deep depression for me as I began to feel like I wasn't having quality time with my wife. In our limited spare time her family was demanding a lot from us with parties and gatherings every weekend. I've got no problem with the odd family party but every weekend was a bit much. On top of this my wife's sister is very close to her. Every night I came home from work at 10pm the sister would be in our apartment and wouldn't leave thus not giving me the couple time I longed for after a days work. I voiced this to my wife and she dismissed my request claiming that "it's rude to ask her sister to leave". I knew that at half 10 at night it's very reasonable to ask someone to leave but my wife can be like a brick wall sometimes.

Each night I would phone before I came home and ask, "are you alone?" The answer would be no. I would get annoyed and my wife would get defensive. I would say that at 10pm after work I really need time to cuddle and kiss and my wife would claim that we can do that anyway. I wanted a private time with her. Eventually I stopped coming home. I told my wife that I would sit in a cafe until she was on her own. She still didnt ask the sister to leave until I blew a fuse and got really annoyed. My wife said she understood my wishes but it was rude to ask the sister to leave as they where very close! I will add that on many occasions my wife did as the sister to leave but the sister always found excuses to stay a while longer.

Eventually I got my point across! I told them that I think their relationship is beautiful and I encourage them to spend time together every day! However when I come home from work I would like to have the opportunity to talk to my wife in private. To have couple time. I voiced this directly at the sister and she understood! Things improved regarding that.

Then I started coming home really looking forward to our time together but it wasn't quite what I expected. I would get home and my wife would be texting friends or on facebook while I tried talking to her. She would be texting while I was talking and would often say "pardon honey"! This new thing started bothering me. I let it slide for a week to see if it improved but it didn't!

I started voicing my concerns lightly but they were not taken seriously. She would say "of couse I'm listening to you" then would ask "pardon" at my very next statement! After a couple of weeks of this happening and me asking for couple time "not couple plus facebook time" I lost my temper again which resulted in my wife getting defensive again. She claimed that I always bring up the same stuff she's doing wrong. I answered that of course I am, I voice my concern but its not changing your attitude. I said "I told you how I feel about you texting while I'm trying to open up to you! It makes me feel like you'd rather be somewhere else!"

This leads me to where I'm at now! After a mere 6 months marriage our relationship is in a compete mess. I fear it's close to ending and I'm close to ending it myself.

I realised my depression a long time ago to my wife and I knew I needed help but we don't have the money to pay for a psychologist. I had the strength to open up to her and admit my depression. However I made a big mistake. I started needing my wife to make me happy! I could no longer make myself happy. This is because she's the only reason I'm actually still in Brazil. I love her but I hate the country! She was my only entertainment. I was putting pressure on her to pull me out of my bad moods and depression but instead I quite rightly it started affecting her. I felt her distancing herself from me a little. This probably explains the texting friends while I'm talking. I used to have her attention 100%.

I'm tired of my depression and she's tired of having a depressed husband. We can't afford a psychologist and I'm losing hope fast. I know what needs to be done! I need to be happier with myself and not put that pressure on my wife. If I was happier with myself I wouldn't of minded the texting as much! I would of turned on the TV opened a beer and chilled. I wouldn't of NEEDED my wife's attention. However I do still think my wife was disrespectful with her actions.

I now feel very guilty as I know I'm in a deep depression. I caught my wife looking at webpages on how to deal with a depressed husband and how to cope. She even looked at an article called "should I just leave my depressed husband"! I read the comments these women where posting and I recognised me in their husbands. It hurt like hell!! Those women where going through some really bad times because of their depressed husbands and I wouldn't wish that experience on anybody! Even if I fix myself I'm still worried that I might cause my wife mental stress or hurt further down the line. I just want her to be happy and now I feel terrible about putting her in this crappy situation. I want her to be with a guy that will make her happy! Not what these women are going through!!

Last night I told her that I needed a little time and space on my own. I told her that I feel terrible putting her through this and I needed time to think about what to do. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her anymore and I feel awful about the prospect of her seeing me like this now and in the future. I told her that I love her but I needed her to think hard if she felt that someone else could make her more happy. Tonight she is staying at her sisters she left without saying anything. I told her that we should stay apart until I know her answer and in the meantime I will think long and hard if I can be truely happy in brazil and with myself.

I feel lost, lonely and I don't know what to do! I feel my marriage has gone to shit! I love this woman with all my heart.

Sorry to hear all that. I'm sure someone better than me can offer advice on what you should do but hopefully other guys can learn from your mistakes:
1. Did you marry too soon after meeting?

2. Don't ever, ever, ever uproot your life for a woman. This was a BIG mistake. You left everyone for a new wife (your friends, family and job which have been with you for years) for a woman. You should have brought her into YOUR world, before ever thinking of throwing everything away to be in HER world.

3. It sounds like your wife is not/was not ready for a marriage. Maybe it's her age, or she just wasn't ready plus you're the one who changed your life for her so maybe she can't take it seriously. Sounds like the sister thing is her not knowing how to behave in a serious marriage.

The situation is messed up and if you can, move back with her and see if things work better. You're not going to be happy in Brazil. If you guys dont have money for a psychologist, her job, or whatever she does in Brazil isn't worth it to keep her in Brazil and she can find the same one in Ireland. You're the man and the woman should be adjusting to you, not the other way around. She should take YOUR last name, and you shouldnt be in a worse country away from your family for her. It's wrong and beta. I think your depression is a problem, but that's what would happen to anyone who moves to their wife's country with no friends or family there and their wife doesnt understand how to act in a marriage. Fix your mistake. Move back.

I hear you! The reason I moved was because I could and she couldn't. She was in Ireland for 2 years but had to return to brazil to finish her studies. I was at a stage in my life where I wanted an adventure and was free from my studies. I didn't want to break up with her and she didn't want to break up with me. I felt very alpha as she asked me to marry her and come with her. She proposed to me.

Our current financial situation is difficult! I'm working a shitty job while I knuckle down and learn Portuguese. She just got an internship at a fantastic company (which I got her through my contacts). Internships don't earn too much at the start.

I need to regain my own happiness in order to regain control of my marriage. It's just damn difficult battling depression alone and so far from my support network. I opened up to my parents today and they are helping a lot.

A LDR would have been better than a marriage. Sounds like you dated for less than a year before getting married. Her proposing to you was her taking your life off track. You fell in love and dropped everything. Not a good move in the first place. You value your wife more than your family, friends,career and happiness. That itself is a terrible choice, plus it sets you up to be dependent which is a turn off for most women.
.

You have a wife who you moved for. You basically are saying that she's the most important person to you over your friends and family yet you do not hold her accountable for contributing to your depression or supporting you through it. I read your other posts in the past and while I believe you are responsible for your own well being, she has contributed greatly:
1. You moved for her
2. Some drama over an ex bf
3. Some other drama over another ex or friend or something
4. Not giving you alone time when you come home but instead talking to sister
5. Going on fb etc when you get home and want to spend time with the only person you know

This is not bashing your wife or anything, just that her actions have contributed to your present condition and she has a responsibility as a wife to support you. This support goes beyond googling stuff. That means stopping the actions that she has been doing that mess with you. She searched for "how to cope with a depressed husband" - her mindset should be on YOU, not her emotions. This is a good wife.

As Ive said, you left everything and now you are falling back on your family for support when your wife doesnt support you. Either get the support from her and stay, or go back to Ireland and be with the people who are actually supporting you.

To be brutally honest, I don't think this will work. Your wife is not supporting you through a depression she contributed to.
A good wife/woman would have said no and stayed. She left. Value yourself and stop putting your wife before yourself when (from everything you've written) her actions have not showed she values you more than herself. This is one sided.

You:
1. Moved and left your family and friends for her.
2. Went through ex drama #1
3. Went through drama #2
4. Slept on floors for her
5. Work a shitty job for her
6. Have to learn Port to live with her

etc

Her:
????

What has she done to show she puts you before her? All she has done is say "I do" and went back to her friends and family and brought you along. How has her life been inconvenienced for you? When you need her she leaves.

I agree 100% with neo87. dead on with everything.

I second Neo87 on everything.

Sound like she's more of a bad GF than a wife. She should marry her fucking sister.

Why has no one advised moving back to the UK?
Look at the facts:

1. Were happy and well before you met her and/or when you were dating but living in the UK.
2. Got married and moved to Brazil, mental health, marriage, sex, self worth, alpha position, job, social life, general happiness ALL plummeted into nothingness.

Does it need to be any more clear? Get back to your home land, re-connect with friends and family. You clearly don't belong there. I mean, you COULD belong there if you had a supportive wife, but that just isn't the case is it? You can stay there and remain miserable, or take action. I think even if your wife became more supportive, you would remain unhappy. You made the wrong choice, to me that is clear.
You took the plunge to move there to begin with, so you also have the balls to move back. Something to ponder while you're sat in the cafe....

I think your wife is trying to avoid the "couple" time in a subtle way. Hanging out with her sister, being on fb while talking to you, not paying attention to what you say.
It signals disinterest and should be treated accordingly. Right now she has all the power since you moved there. This has to change. Don't wait for HER answer, mate. Make her wait for YOUR answer, YOUR decision about Brazil. Soft next her, move out of the flat if possible. If it's not possible, make it possible.
There's a healthy way of dealing with depression: force yourself to think in positive terms, catch yourself when you're not and correct it on the spot. YOU are the only person who can truly help you. Best of luck, mate.

PS I've pm-ed you with a link

I went out with a girl and I was confident and alpha, I introduced her to my large social circle and very much caused her to fall in love with me.

She moved back to the states, I went to stay with her for a while. I was in a new place, had no friends or family and she was the only person I really knew. She had to take the lead in most of our interactions, days out etc. I was immediately placed in a beta position and the relationship capitulated and I felt miserable by the time I left for the UK.

I think you made the wrong decision, I went to unfamiliar surroundings to be with a girl I loved and the dynamic had flipped by necessity, and coupled with the language barrier you have I cannot imagine how much more difficult it is for you since you can't even make friends with ease.

hey gtdave
that's brazilian women fo ya.

hahaha

i sort of understand what you go through remotely but i get you.

i dated a brazilian chick before. then she met an irish guy that went to brazil and married her. i think he works as english teacher there. she said i think.
the guy went to brazil to marry her. it was ridiculous to me. and he brought his family to brazil for wedding. i really did not see myself doing that, but they did it. sounds like almost the same thing you did.

Anyway, well you just have to deal with it.

brazilian women are like this, they are close together. brazilian people in general are close together. and talk to each other every time. i don't think you can stop them from texting each other. women can do twenty things at the same time. it's like sexes collide. you know mars and venus.
there are really two types of relationships, constructive relationships, destructive relationships and those that are in between. you need to choose what side you want to go. if you want constructive relationship then you need to make some children and grow them up with her.
whether you need to breakup is not for me to say. because if you breakup you won't have a family with her. you will come back to ireland, it will take you some time to get over her and you will keep on living your life. this forum isn't exactly a marriage website but it's relationships section which is almost the same thing.

what i assure you is that if you decide to breakup she will go meet other men without telling you. because that is what women did, from experience, and well women do that in every breakup.
i don't want you to get hurt. quite frankly i got hurt recently as i broke up a woman a while ago. i think if you breakup you will get hurt anyway because you 'love her with your heart', but that is happening already since you are depressed.

otherwise i can tell you that if you are depressed with a woman it's a sign to brake up. you are not happy with her. but you are not me. and i am not exactly into marriage at this time. may be later when i find a woman i am happy with. at the moment it's been loads of women that are not what i am looking for. i don't want to go into that.
if you did go to a psychologist i'm sure they would try to keep the family going since you know it's what they do.
pm me if you want to chat about it.

I know what you're going through. I married a Columbian far too quickly (14 months) and it ended after 5 months.

Here are a few things that I learned from the experience:

Getting divorced was the best decision I ever made. I have a deep respect for the institution of marriage but there was no way I could raise children with a woman like my ex-wife, which made the decision very easy. I am not saying that you should get divorced, but you need to retain the power to leave, not as a threat but just as a matter of self-respect. I remember being so depressed because I felt so trapped. The minute I told my wife that we had to work it out or I was gone, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had dignity and self-respect again.

Marriage is about meeting each other's needs and she has not been doing that, rightly or wrongly. You need to be able to talk about that in a calm, constructive manner for a marriage to work. Full stop. If that isn't happening, it doesn't matter how much you think you love her, it will end. She is getting her needs met by other people but you don't have that support. You need to be meeting more of her needs and she needs to be meeting more of your needs. Second, you need to suck it up and make some new friends and hang out with them. Get active, start exercising, get out of your head where you are continually wrestling with your situation.

You need to take responsibility. I mean that in the most constructive way. You married her, you moved to Brazil, and you are in this shitty situation right now. Now you have to figure out what you do with the reality that you are in. Your wife is who she is. Don't dream of her being any different. Communicate your needs and if she's not going to meet them after six months of marriage, then you need to leave, because it's not going to get any better. If she's not going to meet your needs now, how is she going to raise your children. That might be a bit dramatic, but that is the reality of marriage.

I don't mean to be more depressing. You just need to sack up and deal with this reality (I know it's not that easy, I've been there). Work on yourself to get happier by getting more active and find stuff you love doing and do it. As for the wife situation, assess whether you want to stay married. If you do, then talk about your needs and see if she's receptive. If not, this will end eventually.

Dave,

You know what the problem is. You told all of us, and it has been echoed. I'm sorry to hear of your plight, but you do know how to fix it. You said yourself, you depend on your wife for happiness.

It sounds like you genuinely care for her, and if she is reading articles on how to deal with your problem, she cares about you. But you are not the high value man she married and felt so attracted to.

You need to do whatever it takes to regain your frame. Maybe a trip back home to regroup? One other suggestion. You mention her family is around. Do you get along with them? If so, when she is busy, perhaps you should strike up friendships with her family. Start hanging around them more. When her sister is there, listen to their conversations and get to know her sister better. She's a woman that should be a supporter of you, no reason she shouldn't be a good friend. Is her sister married? Perhaps a bro in law would be someone to have a little man fun with while the sisters are doing their thing.

The possibilities are large. You wanted an adventure. You work a shitty job. Work harder on the language barrier and work harder to improve your job situation. If you focus entirely on that, you'll know deep down you're strong, and will persevere. The more you focus on that, the sooner it will happen. You are in a strange land. Conquer it!

And let us know how things are going.

Does beg the question, how do you maintain a relationship in which it is the man moving to a strange new place?

Trick question...you don't move to a strange new place for a relationship.The moment you disrupt your whole world for a woman you're already on the path to losing her. It may seem adventurous to take a risk, but it just shows that you can easily disregard your family, friends, career, level of comfort for someone which is not attractive.