Hi, would like to know how to handle this situation.
I'm in a long distance open relationship, for almost a year. I can't call, so the calls have to be made by her. So when we have a phone call planned, I'll be in a situation that I have to wait at home. Whenever she flakes ( first started with her not even canceling but just ignoring ) on our phone calls. I tell her something like, you should have respected my time, take care I'm done. She then apologizes, and we talk about the changes she has to make. These changes have resulted in her changing her flaky behavior, now i got her to send me a notice if she can't call. Which is basically all i asked for. I like the girl, it's an open relationship, I don't want to control/manipulate her but I do want her to respect me, respecting me also means her not talking about the guys shes fucking.

This has worked great until last week, valentines day. We had a call planned that night which she canceled because she was going out. The letter was all sweet, she put some work in it and asked if it was okey to reschedule to the next day. I responded with a happy valentine's day remark and talk to you tomorrow. The next day, she canceled on me again saying she went out to drink. This time she assumed in her email that calling me the next day would be oke. I got mad, and emailed her on it by saying something childish like, "twice in a row, NICE, have fun, tomorrow I cant" my gut feeling tells me she blew me off twice to fuck some guy and so that's why I reacted rationally. Anyway she didn't respond to that for about four days, when she then wrote to me "if I was free the next day to talk." I replied by saying " I'm free now, tomorrow im busy". She didn't respond, and I got pretty pissed the next day.

I wrote "Exactly this kind of unconsidered n manipulative behavior why i got upset last time. I would have easily told you to enjoy that day had you considered my time. And about yesterday, well I'm not going to repeat that. Anyway saying take care has lost its appeal, so I won't say that. But we are done"

She replied with "STOP IT"

I'm feeling quite guilty, I acted as a chump and should have handled the situation better from the start. If possible I like the fix this, I really like the girl. So any advice or opinions on how to handle this, greatly appreciated.

I'm thinking of either, ignoring her for a couple of days, apologizing for what I did or cutting her off completely.

Side note: She already bought a ticket to come and visit me the end of the month. Low self freak, social butterfly.

Thanks,

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

So, let me get this straight…

You're in a long distance relationship, and the girl with whom you're in the relationship with is fucking other guys? If that's the case, then she obviously doesn't view you as her boyfriend, and this is probably a case of you thinking your relationship with her is something that it's not… something serious.

She sees you as a long distance friend, not a long distance boyfriend. If this were a legitimate relationship I'd tell you to break it off, but from the sounds of it, I'm going to tell you to snap back into reality. If she's not your girlfriend, then she has a right to blow you off. Why should she respect your time if you're not her boyfriend?

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MrGiggles

If you love it let it go.

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What you sow is what you reap

The phone calls, are mainly initiated by her. When she started flaking I always handled it with telling her to or respect my time or to fuck off. I agree with me getting back to reality, like I said "I acted like a chump". But how do you think I should handle this kind of situation? I agreed on valentines day to reschedule, and the next day she assumes I'm oke with rescheduling the next day. I can tell I'm sounding kind of obsessive, to me it just seems as if she's fully aware of fucking someone and blowing me off twice for him. Isn't there an Alpha between the men a girl dates and if so, is it possible to be that person in a LDR?

She just send me an email: "also I don't have flight insurance. so this is happening. regardless of whether you're mad at me. " this is after the "STOP IT" haven't wrote her anything so far. Any ideas on how to respond?

Thanks,

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

She is.

Not necessarily. And it sounds to me like the "alphas" in her life are the guys fucking her right now. Not you.

Not really. Whoever came up with the premise that there's an "alpha" between the men a girl dates meant that the said alpha would be in and out of her life without sticking around for too long. As in... alpha shows up, alpha seduces girl, alpha gets with girl, alpha leaves. It's hard to be that alpha from a long distance away, mainly because from that far away you don't have any kind of physical presence or contact with the girl in question whatsoever.

Alright. If she's out fucking other guys, then she has no interest in being your girlfriend. You need to come to terms with that. You also need to come to terms with the fact that respect is earned. Your demanding her to respect you is totally useless and a major turnoff. If everything you're saying is true, then she is not, and will not ever be, your girlfriend.

Now, with that in mind, you can still enjoy her company. You can still have a good time with her, and, depending on your relationship with her, you can still get some action. All you've got to do is see things for what they are. This girl is a long distance acquaintance and possible part time fuck buddy. Nothing more. You may or may not have feelings for her, and you may or may not get upset about her promiscuity, but the feelings you have for her are not mutual. Because she cares a lot less about you than you do about her, she determines the level of the relationship. And that level is currently at... friendship. I'm not sure if this is a friendship with benefits situation, but I hope for your sake that it is, because that's not too bad of a deal, and it's the best you can hope for with this girl unless you really knock her off her feet when she comes to visit. But I honestly don't think that's in the cards.

I recommend you either break it off completely, and save yourself from getting hurt, or, make the most out of it and have as much fun with her as you can. If you choose the latter, tell her you're sorry you overreacted, and that you're looking forward to her visit. I know you can't control whether you get mad or not after you feel she's wronged you, but understand that if you tell her you're mad, and that if you tell her about how you think you deserve all of this respect normally reserved for boyfriends, then she's going to take it as you seeing your relationship with her as something other than what it is... something other than what she wants it to be. And that is a major turnoff.

In short, cut your losses OR make the best of a less than ideal situation. If you choose the latter, text her back a light apology, and let her know that you're looking forward to her trip. Be sincere. And from now on, talk to her as a friend, not a girlfriend.

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MrGiggles

When I'm with her, we fuck everyday and she doesn't flake at all. She tells me she loves me, how much she hates me for leaving and stuff like that. That, and a number of other reasons why I treat her as if shes my girl. But your right, she doesn't want a boyfriend and I lost perspective.

About not demanding respect and I'm not talking about this situation, as I acted mainly out of jealousy. But in other cases, like her planning a call with me and then flaking on it. Sounds weird to me to just ignore that. I get mad at anyone for that kind of disrespect. The phone calls cost me time better spend away from home. Another example, tells me she will call at 10 and then calls at 12. How do I deal with that, besides telling her to either respect my time or to fuck off? Nobody I know repeatedly does that to me. But if they did, I'd gave them the same ultimatum. "You should have respected my time, I respected yours." But after repeated usage it kinda loses it's appeal.

How do I not get angry? Most of my anger comes from those situations. I feel as if I become needy, which I then resent. And my anger aimed at her is my own resentment of being needy. What are my options here? Becoming more detached, start feeling less for her? Meditate it away? I know that if don't say whats bugging me, and boil it up inside, I explode eventually. I used to be a total nice guy that boiled everything up, I've made the error before by staying silent in other relationships which ended terribly. Any insides on how to deal with this? It was childish of me saying "twice in a row, NICE, have fun" normally i'll handle it more direct by telling her what's bugging me. But since I've done that often in the past, this time I lost it and screwed up.

I got a little side tracked here, but you seem to know your stuff pretty well.

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I think part of the reason she calls two hours late is because she can. She can call two hours later than when she said she'd call, knowing you'll be there to answer. Maybe you should come up with some "obligations" to fill up your schedule and increase the value of your phone call time just a little bit. If she tells you she's calling at 10:00, and then calls at 12:00, either don't answer, or answer and tell her that you're busy now. Tell her you cleared up two hours of your schedule for her and now that that two hours is over you've got things to do. Don't be bitter about it... just be honest, genuinely polite, and professional, like you're talking to your mom. That's a hell of a lot harder to do than it sounds, cutting off the conversation as soon as she calls, but it's the only way you're ever gonna get her to respect you. If talking to you is that big of a priority to her, then she'll put forth more of an effort into calling you at the agreed time, knowing your time allocated to her is finite. If talking to you is NOT a priority of hers, then she'll either continue to call late, or she'll stop calling altogether. How she reacts may give you some more insight on how she actually feels about you. This girl is definitely unusual, I'll give you that.

As for the anger...

Anger typically occurs when we feel we've lost control of something we care about. Obviously, you don't have much control over this girl, and you care about her a lot, so you are definitely going to become angry when she does certain things. That's only natural, and there's not a whole lot you can really do about it other than manage it. You need to learn how to channel that anger and keep your cool. It's not a matter of trying not to get angry... it's a matter of dealing with the anger that you will inevitably have.

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MrGiggles

Great advice. I figured, I was way to available... All comes from validating myself through her. Funny thing though, started yesterday with doing pick up again. and it's FUCKING LIBERATING.

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.