Ok, so fairly complicated here from my POV, i'll try to make it short. Please, mature help only. I don't want tricks, shit about one-itis, etc. I'm looking for someone who's been here or can give rational advice.

This is actually about a girl who I had posted about here when I met her 6 months ago. We met over the summer. She had just ended a 2 year relationship literally a few weeks prior to us meeting. I'm not a guy who likes to pick up chicks. I much prefer to wait for the right one. I joined the community and started learning to boost confidence, realize mistakes, and help me get a girlfriend. So from the beginning we were looking for different things. But I was good about things and made it clear i was simply looking for fun over the summer. Turns out by the end of the summer we were both in love and things were amazing.

Starting the issues: Ok, so I graduated college last year, she's in her final year. This is where it starts. At the end of summer, we both knew things would be tough as we were in love, but she was leaving for school, AND just exiting a long term relationship. I was still in the mindset of, whatever happens happens. I was having the best time of my life (actually though) and I was going to ride it out for as long as it lasted. She made it very clear she wasn't ready for a real relationship for a number of reasons (long distance, the prior relationships, etc). We decided to keep with how things were going, we'd try to visit each other, and we'd stay single, but never mention anything about other guys/girls to each other.

Well first semester of hers went well for us, over this time we seriously both fell hard for each other. I'm not going to go into details, but neither of us could picture anything better. We spent christmas together, the holidays, etc. When we're together, it's fully like a relationship. Our friends all think we're dating.

So things are still great, but I'm really starting to have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she can't be in a relationship right now. We've talked about it many times, and she's great about being open and letting me be open. We agreed that we just need to ride it out a few more months when she's home and we can go into it 100%. When she's away, she's still texting me every minute of the day. But she feels this is her last real chance to be single and young in her last semester of college, and be independent. She said she'd never even consider sleeping with another guy or going home with someone. I know she just needs to feel like she has her freedom. But on my end I feel like I'm in it 100%. I know she's not using me, she loves me way too much. But I just can't help but feel used: she has me always here for her when she needs it, but when she wants to have fun, she can go be single.

This is only a fraction of everything but if I write more no one will read. So what do you guys think? I feel like things are not fair to me for what I'm putting in and where I'm at, she agrees. But I could never justify ending things because we're not 'technically' in a relationship, and she expresses constantly how i'm the only one she thinks of and she can't wait to be home to start a real relationship that can last.

So what do you guys think? I don't even know what I'm looking for in terms of advice. There is no solution, I'm just looking for help or an ear.

It's a tough one man.

On the one hand I would advise you to just play things out and keep her in the loop, try and take a step back yourself from feeling too into her and perhaps even hook up with someone else. Don't overthink it or analyse it too much.

On the other hand, if you want 100% commitment from her end, then I would say do not settle for less than what you want. Be willing to walk away and end it if she cannot commit to you, and if you did, you might find that she comes running. It's a bit risky though.

Keep things as they are and mull it over for a bit, act calmly and logically, do not say anything to her that's rash or in the heat of the moment.

hey, thanks. I almost deleted my thread last night after seeing how immature many members are in here.. there's plenty of good guys though too. my last (and first) real girlfriend I had such a similar situation where she wasn't ready, I eventually forced her to make a decision, she said yes and things immediately went south.
so I really don't want to force it this time, I think it could ruin things.

further, I don't need a relationship. my issue is thinking about the possibility of her hooking up with other guys. I really think she just needs to have the freedom to do so, she told me she had no desire to. but after six months and the level we're at, I just think it's messed up for me to have to worry about that, for that to be acceptable.

I thought maybe I need to hook up with other girls, to avoid me feeling things are unfair, for me to avoid subconsciously hold this against her. but at the same time I love her too much to ever do that.. I know how much it would hurt if I knew she did something, I can't do that to her. so again, I feel like I'm left in a situation where I have to suck it up and ignore things, but I'm worried I might hold this over her in the future I guess.

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes to see how I would handle it... and I'm not sure if I can.

After my divorce I fell really hard for a girl who was also going through a divorce and she kept me at the same distance you're describing. Except my girl immediately met someone after me and stayed with him for about 7 years.

Looking back with some perspective I can tell that she wasn't really that into me and that I was her crutch, and that ultimately she would be terrible for me. Her and I are still best friends but I have emotional perspective now. Back then I was devastated and that got me into the research of pickup and such.

Can you see your situation from someone else's point of view? Can you have some perspective on your scenario?

If your best friend came to you with this same scenario, what would you tell him?

Scenario 1) She likes you enough that she doesn't want to use you like a crutch. That's powerful and mature of her. She genuinely might want to resolve her past relationship issues and baggage in order to give herself a real chance with the next guy. This is rare and great.

Scenario 2) She's likes you and the attention during this stressful time of her life BUT she's not THAT into you... and she doesn't want to mislead you. She's more interested in the romance but not the strings attached. And she's trying to spare your feelings by not committing to you. This doesn't make her a monster, it makes her fair.

These two scenarios are almost the same thing. She either REALLY likes you or sorta likes you. But in both scenarios she's trying to not mislead you, and trying not to commit.


In any case you now need to decide whether you can handle the non-commitment of the relationship, or not.

In a perfect world where you have Buddhist training you might be able to love her, love your time with her, and love your relationship as it is without attachment or jealousy or fear. In this scenario you give her the space she needs to heal past traumas as well as the time she needs for school and her career. And you simply love and enjoy the time she gives you, knowing that she might either come full circle back to you, or she might walk away.

Or, perhaps you already know that you can't handle losing her if you invest further time in the relationship so you have an honest talk with her thereby letting her go. Perhaps she'll fear losing you and will have a change of heart, but more likely she'll appreciate your honesty and will feel free to go about her life and career without you... perhaps one day coming back to you.

Or, most likely, you can simply wait it out, while dealing with your own insecurities privately with friends or family (don't smother her with such things while she's dealing with her own stuff)... perhaps with time you'll realize it's never going to work long distance and that you need someone more available in your life... or perhaps you'll realize that some time with her is better than no time with her. And while she's working through her stuff you can work through YOUR stuff...

Imagine how much easier this might feel if you could appreciate the few moments you have together, knowing that your time together is limited and short? Being unattached isn't bad, it's powerful. You can't control her or her needs or her future... all you can control is yourself, the way you interpret the world, and how you express your love/stress/concerns/affection.

Make decisions what you're proud of. Do what's best for you while being honest and sincere with her.

Sometimes situations like this don't need "solutions" but just time to resolve themselves.

If it was me I would give her the space she wants, I would make the most of our time together without any pressure for more time or more commitment, and I would also try to focus on my own career. If she moves on eventually at least I got my life in order AND I would have given the relationship my best efforts. That's way better than pushing her away because I was feeling too selfish to give her the space she wants.

Let us know how it works out!

~ Robby

thanks man. or me is that it isn't a question of how much she likes me. she's very open and honest. she's told me how we couldn't have met at a worse time- when we met she was finally single for the first time in a while and looking forward to it, she was only looking for a hookup. but she said she never could've imagined anything this good and she couldn't let me go just because it was bad timing. it's not at all a question of how much she loves me. when she's home, we're together constantly, she had me spending every night over Christmas break.

but it's just hard to get past the fact that us not being in a committed relationship could very well mean she's out having another life with other guys at school. even though she told me she could never get involved with anyone else because of her emotional commitment to me.

like I said, things are mostly perfect. but always in the back of my mind I'm thinking how she's single.