I've been sort of dating a girl for about a month in college, we haven't had sex yet and we hang out about 1 or 2 times a week because we're both busy. I like her and I know she likes me.
I guess where my problem comes in that she's emotionally rather closed off, and i don't really mind that. I never show that i'm needy or that i want more attention. But since I've been hanging out with her I'm finding it increasingly hard not to think about where we are, what's she's up to, when's the next time were hanging out. And it's becoming a problem in that i'm losing interest in hanging out with people when she isn't there and i'm having trouble focusing in class. I can provide more details and background if needed, and try my best to do so in an unskewered manner and keep it unbiased. Is there anything you guys do to put relationships on the back burner when there's no good to come of thinking about it? i have a number of other things going on in my life and it's all important but i seem to care a little bit less each week

sort of dating? are you dating or not? have you and her actually defined this as a closed relationship?

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Hazze

i said sort of because it was open until about a week ago, but yes its closed relationship. sorry for the confusion

Ok, I'm going to be honest here. I know you won't like what you hear, but it's the best option.

You are obviously far more interested in the relationship than her. This is a no no. Especially in college. With the way you're thinking now, you will just be dangerously hurt when things end. And if the girl thinks you are more interested in her than she is in you, this is the road your relationship will head down.

I want you to think of the possibility of this ending. Don't get down about it, just accept that it if it does end, you can be sure of yourself that you won't freak out and turn into a total AFC.

The only way you can make this relationship work is by getting her more interested in you than you are in her. Read up on dating techniques, work out, watch more comedy etc. etc. because no matter how well things appear to be going, keeping a relationship in college is really noooot easy.

You say your starting to lose interested in everything else except her. Don't worry, this is normal. It's called 'tunnel vision', but you must be fully aware that if you carry on living with tunnel vision, the relationship will inevitably END.
Come on man, listen to yourself. You're in college, you have a world of opportunity at your fingertips. Is your response, 'I know, but I can't see happiness in anything else except being with her?' Again don't worry, that's normal.

I want you to see now changing your mindset is the best plan. You really have to WANT to change it, and I know it will be hard at first, but see yourself through the girls eyes, 'does she really want a guy in life that will lose focus on all his ambitions, passions and talents just to think about her?' Don't worry, I know that's not who you are. Start changing now, and your relationship will flourish.

Get out more, take part in more activities that will help you take your mind of her. Try to avoid talking to about her when you are with your friends, and certainly don't bring the topic up yourself. (trust me, there's no easier way to annoy your friends). This may take about a week to fully kick in, but if you feel like it's not working, see a shrink. They'll help you keep your mind of her.

I hope this helps. Good luck man.

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Hazze

I completely agree that i am more invested in the relationship than she is and that i would be really hurt if she left. I realized i was developing a tunnel vision which is why i started practicing for a 30 open mic set and started working out a week ago. Right now i think it's my social life that needs the biggest tweak. i think if i allow myself to continue i would completely develop tunnel vision, so thank you for bringing that up. and i'm definitely going to look into dating techniques, but i was also thinking about opening up some communication barriers so we can both get on the same page. i'm not going to rant on about how much i think about her, but i'm sure we both have some insecurities that could be settled through some talking. i do plan to ease into it slowly, ive been turned off from over attached girls so i realize how much of a no no it is. Thanks for replying, i'm going to work hard on preventing me prioritizing my time to her. what do you think about opening up communications with her

Honestly I wouldn't talk to her about this. There's a high chance this will send of alarm bells in her head and scare her off, even if it seems like it went well at first.

It's just a mindset shift, that's all you have to do. Don't even think about it as a tremendous change- I've noticed the most successful people in life, the kind of people with the most respect are those who can take things less seriously. Where they are so lighthearted, humorous and fun to be around, just seeing them puts you in a good mood for the rest of the day.

Also, yes, dating techniques and the like can really help; read up on the concept of investment also to get a good feel of how things will work in your favor. If you can elicit behavior that will cause her to invest, even if it's play investment, this will have a larger psychological effect on her. Doing little things can cause her to think about you the rest of the day. Reward her for good behavior and punish her (using that term extremely lightly here) for undesirable antics.

I see guys all the time that are so frustrated because they finally meet a girl they can see themselves settling down with, but have no idea how to keep her.

As a rule of thumb, if you find yourself questioning whether or not you should carry out a certain act, (e.g. mentioning this to her) picture an Alpha-Male in your head (e.g George Cloonely etc.) and ask yourself, what would he do? It's good to have a role model, even in a light, abstract sense

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Hazze

I'll work on mind-shifting away from her. I'll try getting a little bit more active, as I can't let it cross my studies. And yeah, being lighthearted and humorous about most things is definitely going to make people be in a good mood for the rest of the day and attach that to me. Pretty much what you've already said haha just paraphrasing. Where would I start to learn about concept of investing?

Also im going to start calling her out on some of the shit she pulls, but in a humorous way. Kind of check her for doing negative things. I feel like i need to pull some risky moves with a mindset of I can lose her and be ok and I usually I do this so it'll help me act more natural.

Good. Google it and I'm sure you'll find something, read 'The Mystery Method' or check some of the guides we have on this site.

But I wish you well. It can be very easy to let yourself slip in that mindset again, just remember we all have that weakness. you need to fight it.

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Hazze

Today, after studying awhile i texted her saying the im bored of studying, she replied shortly after saying me too. so i replied saying lets get a break later, i need one. then i didn't get a response. It was affecting my studies and i couldn't focus so an hour later i called her and told her affirmingly, not humorous and sooner than i planned but i can't let this start affecting my academic life. i told her that i realize she is emotionally distant but when we make plans or when she tells me that she'll call me later i expect her to keep those promises. I asked about tonight and why she took so long and she said she was studying and really go into it, i told her that she can spare 10 seconds to tell me she won't meet me. (most of this time i had a tone of annoyance with her but i wasn't being needy i made sure to be confident) and i mentioned yesterday when she tells me she'll call me later i expect her to call later, and that's only if she says she will. I made hardcore plans for tomorrow, said that when she gets done with her shit i expect her to call me because im not waiting up for her. Tomorrow, i plan to refine what i said. make it a small part of the night. and continue like nothing happened or we'll open up communication wise and either sort things out or plan to back off. Either way, I'm willing to lose her if I don't think she'll be right for me, but if we can both sort things out than I think that will make this much less overbearing for me. Again I reiterate that i'm going to try to talk with her, but not give in or come across as needy. I don't know if this is the best plan, but it brings so much peace of mind to me it's worth it.

Here is my honest advice to you. You're not going to like it, but it's the truth, and the truth isn't always pretty.

End it with this girl. You are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship at this current time, not with this girl or with any girl.

You are driving yourself crazy with desperation for this girl's attention. You are analyzing every single thing you do and say, every text you send..and you're doing the exact same thing to every thing she says or does.

With the mindset you have, one of neediness and desperation, you could have the greatest girlfriend in the history of the universe, and you will still not be happy, because you are not happy with yourself and you are still going to over-analyze and over-think every aspect of the relationship and make yourself miserable.

You're trying to do things that you think will make you appear confident, rather than needy, but you're just faking it. It's not even surface confidence, because there is no confidence there at all. You need to get your inner game, your self-concept, to the point where you don't have to fake confidence in any situation and you don't worry about a girl not getting back to you right away.

Work on yourself and build a happy single life first. Then worry about entering a relationship only after you get your own self handled.

You're right I don't like the advice. There's a number of things that I'll list that are true to it.

I am analyzing almost everything, and I yes I am driving myself crazy. Signs that I didn't have or would have thought of having before the relationship. I've never felt bad about conversing with anyone or thinking about anything this much since years ago.

My mindset is of neediness and desperation, so far she has been a decent girlfriend and I have little reason to doubt her, I think relationships are something I am new at and I've been weighing this too much in my life. The whole point of me being worried is a huge problem.

I am doing things that make me appear confident, and yes I am faking it. And I am confident though that she won't immediately do anything, but a drifting apart has played through my mind a lot.

I had a decent lifestyle before, now it's a lot fuller because being needy has been foreign to me and I've been doing things like working out, focusing on guitar, expanding my social circle to get my mind off of it and away from her. But I have also developed a lack of interest in some things that is a result of her.

Much of what you say is true though, I need some time to think it over. I'll re update this topic in a week. I am not confident enough, but I have confidence enough in myself to come to the right decision. Writing it out like this was unnecessary but it helps me put things into perspective. I'll be back to post in a little while.

Thanks for taking all the time to reply back to me, I know you are all unbiased and can be trustworthy when it comes to advice.

This is how I think you should approach this situation, then: Don't have the mindset that this is the girl you are going to be with forever. Especially if relationships are fairly new to you. You will have many relationships in your life and many great women.

Treat this relationship as an experiment. You are gaining experience with relationships, learning about them, about women, about yourself. Use it to examine what things you do right, what you do wrong, what you can do better, what you like, what don't like, etc. Find out what your weaknesses are, and work to correct them. Find out what your strengths are, and make use of them.

Turns out we weren't dating at all, the date I took her on and after meant something but the statement "will you go out with me" was left out by me. I didn't know that you had to explicitly ask that, I assumed it was kind of figured out by the date and the subsequent hang outs, but that's a poor excuse and shows me it wasn't really anything. Were on to an open relationship after a rocky night, but I don't know if I'll continue it and if i do it will be minimalist at best. I definitely came across as insecure and needy but we still have a good time when we hang out. And I want to keep her around to have an outlet/possible wing girl and to keep in check my own insecurities which i'm sure will be tested. I'll post a couple more times on this thread in the future even though it's not a relationship thread anymore because this thread has the progressive past that I want to reflect and move from. Rather than start a new thread from scratch

Sounds like you need to work on your inner game bud. You said it yourself, you're faking confidence. In while that's not bad in a lot of scenarios, it's certainly a problem when it comes to women. Most of them can smell lack of confidence on a guy.

What I'd do if I were you is try to find something about yourself that you know you're having problems with, and hone it. If you're spending a lot of time thinking about this girl, you're not really living a fun life. So go out and do something to make yourself more confident, instead of just hoping confidence will fly into your lap.