My girlfriend and I both have crazy pasts that affect each other. She pretty much did some Hoey stuff before I was with her. She had her drunken nights as did I. The horrible thing is that most of my main friends had something with her. One of them played spin the bottle with her and made out with her. another friend actually went out with her for two months before ever being with me at all. Another friend got head from her. Another friend felt up her tits. allllllll of this happened along time ago. and had nothing to do with me. And I know all of this stuff because she tells me everything she ever did. She tries to be as honest as she can be with me and sometimes a little too honest. And I did pretty much 20 times worse things then what she ever did and I even cheated on her with one of her friends for a year and she found out. I can go all day talking about all the crazy things we did, but the thing is. Its the past!! We both now are older and know we only love and want a happy life with each other. But sometimes our minds go to dark places and remember the past and think about it and get angry and discusted.

We're both fighting it and trying to move on from the past and start a new life together. Reset. But we still don't trust each other and always assume one of us is doing something wrong. We think a bad thought then we ask each other a stupid question like "who were you just texting? let me see".

What can I do? What can WE do to improv our trust and stop fighting over the past?

Lead the relationship. Stop asking stupid questions like that. If you don't trust her, stop wasting both of your time and end it. When she asks those questions, say "I think we're a little too old to still be freaking out over this, aren't we?" You need to be the one to mold the relationship.

Spin the bottle? LOL seriously??

Prying too much into a girl's past is a no-no. I don't expect any girl to have led a perfect, celibate existence, but that would mess with my head if I was in your situation.

Likewise, she probably doesn't like hearing about anything you did before meeting her. If your head is stronger than mine, stick it out. Otherwise, move on. The odds are in your favor that you'll meet someone you like.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

My friend whom is a good PUA said something like this to a girl, We both have are own histories I don't carry any baggage so why is that important? If she continues then refuse to participate and redirect, change subjects. If she continues then I say leave and do something else. Like my friend said reward positive behavior and punish negative behavior.

HER PAST

Don’t think about it. Don’t mention it. Don’t bring it up. Don’t hint towards it. Don’t reference it. Don’t even think about thinking about it. Her past is one of those things that are better left where they belong – the past. Thinking about a girl’s past can ONLY have negative consequences. It might make you feel insecure, confused, helpless, but it’ll never do any good. She might have been sleeping around with a couple of guys before you, but it shouldn’t cheapen your view of her. Guys are trained to think this way because society wants to turn us into beta males without balls. Remember, most things in society work endlessly to EMASCULATE us. Beta males think about if their girlfriends were slutty before, because they are insecure about their OWN image. If she cheats on YOU, then she’s gone. If she cheated on a chump before you, it might have been more his fault than hers. Girls very RARELY cheat on Alpha Males, and you’re an Alpha Male.

Now, make sure you don’t take this advice to the extreme. If she’s an ex-serial killer or has cheated on the last 6 out of 7 boyfriends she’s had, you should probably still stay away. But for the most part, you shouldn’t stick your nose into her past. It won’t do you any good. TRUST ME, it will be better for you to just ignore it. Sometimes your girlfriend may ask you “Does that bother you?” That’s a test to see how confident and secure you are in yourself. Girls always throw these types of tests at their boyfriends, without consciously realizing it. Don’t say “yes” and try and use it as leverage in your relationship, it might make her feel bad, but it’ll lower her interest level, and damage her self-esteem among other things. You want to keep her on the edge always feeling like she has to get your attention and please you, but you don’t to bring down your girlfriends self-esteem. Don’t make her feel like she’s completely validated, and don’t make her feel rejected. Keep her in limbo. The more experience you have, the more you’ll realize how true this is.

Lastly, you might feel like this is “bottling up” your feelings. That’s bitch talk for acting like a man and having control over your emotions. Beta males snoop around their girlfriends past because they have huge fragile egos and constantly feel the need to “possess.” Alpha males don’t have egos. Think about how her past DIRECTLY affects you, it usually doesn’t. It just affects your mind, and your emotions. You are an alpha male, and you have complete control over your mind and thoughts. You are able to discipline yourself and your emotions obey you, not the other way around.

You're right on every point here. This is worth reading several times.

Hold up.. I'm going to go against the grain here. I always hit a girl for details of her past relationships. I do this for several reasons:

1) To show her I'm not afraid of her sexuality. I want my girls to be open and honest with me about sex and attraction. I want to know what their history is and what their kinks are. This helps me be a better boyfriend and lover because I know where the girls are coming from and what they want.

2) To show off how confident and secure I am with myself and my ability with women. Clearly, I am better than her Ex's because she's with me, not them (and I'm awesome).

3) Funny stories - I here about all the tool-ish things her ex's have done and then I commiserate with her about how stupid and relationship-impaired guys are. This a subtle way that I display my higher value.

Having said that, if you have big insecurities about other guys (i.e. you're still a recovering AFC), then by all means.. let sleeping dogs lie. However, I strongly urge you to confront these insecurities and get rid of them. Realize that girls like sex just as much as we do and are attracted to lots of guys (like we are attracted to lots of girls). That's reality and the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better off you will be.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Those are all valid points. I especially like the point made on past sexual experiences/likes/dislikes/etc.

But, like you said, recovering AFC's (like myself) may have a hard time with this at first straight away. I'm slowly getting used to it - actually the sexual part I'm getting more comfortable with. She asks me about past stuff on occasion and is totally fine with it so I eventually learned I need to do the same and not be so insecure. Did take a little time though.

I had exactly this same trouble with my current GF. She told me everything about her past, who she cheated with, why she did it, how she did it, and to be honest it freaked me out a lot, the toughts of her doing that to me started going through my head. As you said, it was a long time ago, and people change, she actually changed a lot in her last relationship, compared to her past ones, and she now says she wouldn't dare risk in ruining our relationship for anything, that she won't do those things to me.

The fact that she told you all, means that she respects you, trusts you and most likely is not thinking about doing those things to you, or she wouldn't have told you, I know you would've prefered to not know, but take it as a sign of change. If you're both willing to do things right, then give it a chance.

If I were in your shoes that would have freaked me out a lot too. My girl didn't cheat..actually her ex-husband is the one that cheated and walked out on her. I think with me it was just that the trust and comfort level wasn't there yet as it was still so early in the relationship. We're close to the 6 month mark now and I think she can sense that I'm getting more comfortable with it because she's asking more and more. She jokingly called me a slut last night when I told her that in the past year I'd been with two other girls before her. Joking about it is a good thing so my mindset on the whole thing has improved and is definitely moving in the right direction.

It was the past... If you can't deal with the fact that she messed with the homies than move on. But since you can obviously be alpha, when she talks about the past immidiely look up and smile and say "I remember my wild times" and laugh. She might ask what you did then you can tell her sex story's from your past it will most likely turn her on. She is with you because you chose her. Most importantly fuck her good I mean real good be a pornstar in the sack she will be addicted to you and your friends will envy you for getting to hit that every night...

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Live and let live...

Snarg is on the money by the way.

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Live and let live...

More than freaked out, I was paranoid, and lost a lot of trust, which she noticed. But then after some help from the forums, I actually realized that if she told me all of that its because she trusts me and obviously is not planning to do it.
Its hard, at least for me, to trust a GF with a cheating past, I still have some trouble, when she tells me she's gonna sleep, I sometimes wonder "Is it true?" .. or if she actually goes somewhere else instead of school, this are all things that can get to you if you dont confront them, and I don't mean letting them fade away, but like Wolf said, eliminate them.
When I think about my gf's cheating past, I think about mine, because, man, I have done far worse things that her, but she has not asked me about them, though Im sure she knows. I guess she doesn't want the details.
I sometimes tell myself this :
"There's at least 5 girls that are willing to have sex with me, and I'm with her, but anytime, I can be with any of those" ... it works sometimes, at least helps me feel more secure. We're only going trough the 3rd month mark yet. I've always had a little insecurity problems, and they always kinda seem to fade away closer to the 5 months ... just let it flow.. but also, don't let your guard down ; )

Good info. Your 5 girls trick does seem like it would help. I kinda get what you mean when you say don't let your guard down, but would you care to elaborate a bit? Thanks man