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I feel like my entire life is based on appearance... I do things because that would "make me look cool" I take pictures not to just have fun memories but to put them on fb and look cool. When I'm talking a girl or have sex with her I don't do it because I really want to but to proove to myself I can. I feel like I'm in constant need of approval.
It's nothing to be ashamed about. All men are, to some degree, driven by a subconscious need for approval; either from their own egos or the people around them. The real challenge is in how you direct that energy, not in how you suppress it. Are you going to be the guy who sits on facebook for 4 hours a day trying to get likes on his comments because he needs attention, or the guy who practices whatever sport he plays for 4 hours a day because he wants the attention of the people who admire his abilities?
You also need to escape a qualifying FRAME even if you're qualifying yourself to other people. it's kind of counter-intuitive, but you'll get used to it if you apply the concepts you learn here. When you approach a girl, rather than thinking "I'm talking to her to qualify myself to her," you must think "I'm talking to her to see if she can qualify HERSELF to my own standards."
The result is the same, YOU TALK to the girl. But how strongly you are grounded within your own reality determines everything. Her reality dictates that YOU are qualifying yourself to her. Yours should be the opposite and stronger. State control is everything, don't concede to someone else's frame.
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Now my current girlfriend is a very dominant independant girl. She's as secure as fuck.
This is a lie.
Now before you say "but you don't know her," the question of insecurity/security is purely subjective. The reason why she comes off as more dominant and independent to you is because you need her more than she needs you. You are the dependent person in the relationship. And by feeding into her frame, she is the more powerful, secure, and confident person.
To give you another example, for the past few years I considered myself Super-secure and untouchable. Eventually I got into a relationship with a girl I was VERY attracted to and let my own frame shake a bit. Predictably, I began to see her as "more confident" than the other girls i was with, but the real reason was because she had MORE POWER in the relationship than the previous girls I dated. My own perception literally determined my reality. She seemed innately more confident than she really was.
After about 5 months, i had to go away for work and broke it off. What happened after? Suddenly she became much more "insecure," and I became the more confident person because she was the one chasing ME much harder. It reminded me of one of the fundamentals about game. You don't actually NEED to be more independent from the other person in terms of money or lifestyle or anything tangible. Through sheer masculine will, you can give yourself a god complex, pedestalize your own value far above any other girl. And when you do that, NO ONE comes close to your confidence. Every girl seems like an insecure object of pleasure waiting to be consumed by you.
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She loves me to death ( offcourse i'm insecure so i keep looking for validation checking her wall constantly, burp pretty fked up ) and I love her too, our relationship is insane. The sex is probably better then 0.01% out of all people on the face of the planet. But what I want to work on is have peace of mind.
Unless I'm mistaken, you said that wrong. If your secks is better than 0.01% of all people, then 99.99% of the population is having better secks than you.
Peace of mind, the way you're thinking of it... is illusory. It doesn't exist. Happiness isn't a state of security, it's an internal state of illumination. Security exists after you realize it doesn't exist.
If you ever think that you're 100% secure in any relationship, you're a fool. All these idiots chasing security in their relationships are entering a losing battle. The answer is to LET GO, pursuing safety is a futile goal.
Worse yet, it is self-defeating in nature. The more you WANT security, the more you lose it. The more you act over protective and insecure, the more you question yourself, the more you lose confidence. The more you chase security, the more your girlfriend is LESS ATTRACTED TO you. Women want men who have indomitable mindsets, not ones who are insecure and require external affirmation. And you can't become secure by chasing it - it's a mental leap. You just let the fuck go. You must know, not fear, that there is a chance your relationship with this girl might end.
Try this experiment and watch it induce a Pussy dripping effect on your girlfriend: for 30 days straight, don't say ANYTHING insecure. Don't ask her if she misses you, don't ask her if she loves you, nothing of that sort. Just maintain a fully masculine James Bond type frame and see how it goes.
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She has told me about her past relationships / one night stands / bj's on vacations with her friends. She started kissing at 14, Bj's 15/16, having sex 16y's etc. That stuff gets to me, I feel like a loser because I started so late compared to her ( and most people ). So I keep thinking about her past sexual erperiences ( they haunt me & also that it took me a month to have sex with her while others had a one nighter with her ) even though she tells me the sex i give her is the best she's ever gonna get in her life ( i make her squirt, make her come over 30 times, very dominant and aggresive sex ) doesn't help because nomatter how much you tell an insecure person he's awesome it's never enough, he'll continue to seek validation.
This is completely normal. Interesting statistic - more than a double of our ancestors are women instead of men. You ask, "how is that possible?" Because the same men mate with multiple women. Due to the intrinsic Alpha/beta social pyramid scheme, a smaller group of men always tend to dominate the entire secksual market. Whereas beautiful women who need only appeal to the polygamous nature of men, are all equally fucked by Alphas.
The question of her past is completely irrelevant. The answer again is to let go. What wolfwood said, CONSCIOUS CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS. At first it will seem silly, like you're trying to change a mental faculty, but eventually it becomes a habit. Catch yourself every time you think of your girlfriend with another guy in the past and shift away from the thought.
Try and think about it from a perfectly rational point of view absent of the emotional spikes clouding your current judgement. Does you thinking about your girlfriend's past BENEFIT your relationship in any way? No, it can only harm it. So why do it? It's a silly and weak habit. There is only a chance that it will fuck with your confidence. This doesn't include the few exceptions where you might run into a complete whore; in which case her past should be a reason to screen her out from gf material. In other words, once you've ALREADY SCREENED A GIRL FOR HER PAST, and you think to your self "I'm ok with this, I can deal with it," it should never come up again.
You must understand that to keep a girl, you must not be afraid to lose her. The more you let these insecurities eat your conscious away, the more you're increasing the chances that you'll beta backslide and your girlfriend will leave you. You need let your balls go bungee jumping and not worry about her past. Unless you think its indicative of something that might affect your CURRENT relationship, the past is the past.
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I also love everything about her and what she does.
She has had the passion of wanting to become something since she was just a little kid and she is in the process of becomming it. Even what she eats in the morning intrigues me ( pretty fooked up right )
Me on the other hand I've done many things but I've never really pushed on through, I can play 4 instruments but only a little of all, nothing really good.
I've played TONS of sports but no sport I'm extremely good at or focussed on.
When I pass my exams I pass them by JUST making it. Most of the time not even knowing half of the material. While she would study and therefore know everything and be more confident about her abilities. I feel like I'm jealous of that.
Women are hypergamous, they want men who are better than them. Do you think your girlfriend is going to be more attracted to you if you're captivated by how she's eating breakfast?
A woman wants a man she can capitulate to, not a man who will capitulate to her. She wants a powerful figure she can surrender to, a dominant and confident Alpha Male; is that what she's getting from you?
Are you talking to other girls and letting her know that you're a wanted commodity?
Are you pursuing other ambitions to show her that your value can only increase as time passes?
And that last point about your accomplishments is superfluous. The purest form of confidence is the type that is cultivated irrationally, a pure distillation of will and self-perception. You don't need a notarized IQ form from a university or a 6-figure salary to tell you that you should be confident. You are not the contents of your lifestyle.
CHAT
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