| I'm going to try and keep this as brief and to the point as possible.
I can't seem to get over a past girlfriend (who I met, and was with, for 2 years before I got into pick up.)
I feel as though I'm addicted to her. My relationship with her is not healthy, and it causes a lot of negative emotions and thinking; namely jealousy, paranoia and insecurity.
Here's the story:
When I first started dating her, I wasn't even that into her. She was this girl who I'd hooked up with a couple of times at parties, and she was into me, but I never made an effort to call her or anything like that. So she basically thought I was a bit of an asshole, but was attracted to me and couldn't help getting with me when our paths crossed at parties.
Then, for some reason, I decided I wanted a girlfriend. So I started dating her. She was reluctant to enter into a relationship with me, because of the fact that she didn't trust me, and resented me slightly for the way I had treated her in the past.
But I kept pushing for it, and slowly, she gave in. She had total power. I initiated all contact, and she'd leave me hanging for hours. I knew I had to prove to her that she could trust me and that I wasn't an asshole, so I made all the effort in the relationship. This carried on for a few months.
Gradually, she started to fall for me. And I was falling for her, too. The relationship was far from perfect. The sex wasn't good, because she found it difficult to trust me and let go, but the sexual side of things gradually improved over time. I loved her because she is an intelligent girl, with a great sense of humor, and she's hot too. She loved me because I became the one guy she had let herself trust.
But her trust had come at a big cost; in order to win that trust, I'd given her all the power. Like I said: I was always initiating contact, I was the one who worried about her going out and meeting other guys etc, total AFC stuff but like I said, this was before I discovered PU.
The relationship got better and better as time went on. I believe she knows me better than any other girl. I also believe she truly loves me. However, the jealousy and general feelings of insecurity didn't fade. I guess because they'd been trained into me at such an early stage of the relationship, I couldn't get rid of them.
I cheated on her throughout our relationship. Mostly just random one night stands, but towards the end, I actually started dating another girl behind her back. I didn't exactly fall in love with this other girl, but I fell out of love with her, so I tried to break up with her, using the fact that she was going overseas soon as an excuse.
She wasn't having any of it. She fought very hard to keep me. And I realized how much she loved me and how strong a person she is.
She moved overseas and my relationship with the other girl fizzled out. I started to think about her again.
She believed, and believes currently, that we are still together (loosely), and that when she comes back home, we will continue our relationship. While she's been gone I've seen other girls and had some fun, but no matter how many I fuck, I can't seem to get her off my mind. I lie in bed at night, imagining her getting with guys overseas, and it rips me up. I know how beta this is, but I can't help it, and I've tried everything to change it. I've tried freezing her out. I gave up after a couple of days because I was afraid I was making a mistake and that it would cause her to go on a sex spree. Like I said, I've fucked lots of other girls. It makes me feel better for a couple of days but the thoughts come creeping back.
My dilemma is:
I know I am far too beta in the relationship for it to do me any good, and I feel like I may have been beta for too long. (Ever since the start, although when I tried to break up with her I got all the power and she was the one crying and begging for me back).
I feel like if I tried to become totally alpha in this relationship, it might not work because our roles are too deeply engrained. But becoming beta in the relationship is my only hope because I can't deal with these jealous and paranoid thoughts much longer.
Another idea is to just cut her off completely and try to move on from her. But part of me thinks that what we had was special - that she understands me better than any girl, that she loves me, and that I may never find it again. I also don't feel as though I'm capable of doing this. The thought of her with someone else is literally too much to bear.
I realize the AFCness of this post, so no need to tell me I'm being a bitch because I'm aware of that. I'm just telling it like it is. My feelings for this girl are very strong and even though I'm skilled with PU now, she has a very powerful hold on me.
If someone can solve this problem for me, I will be forever in their debt.
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CHAT