Let's approach this hypothetically. Let's say you live alone, and you go to college [see: social circles / closed system]. You invite your s/o over for breakfast, and she stays at your place while you go to class. When you come back from class, to your surprise she has one of her friends over - someone that is only an acquaintance to you.

Should this make you uncomfortable, or is it pretty normal? Personally, I have some trust issues from past relationships, so I wonder if that is clouding my judgement and assuming the worst. The first incident, I was seeing an older woman and I had moved much of my belongings into her house. While away for a weekend, one of her "friends" stole around $1000 worth of my belongings while she was at a neighbors and left the house unlocked. The second incident, while I was overseas my ex asked me if her "best friend" (a guy) could stay with her for two weeks in our apartment. Come to find out, she was cheating on me with him during this time, even on my bed.


Now I'd like to be able to trust people at my apartment when I'm not there - but I don't feel it should be their "hangout" during this time. Also, should there be some distinctions? What if it's a completely mutual friend? Same or opposite gender? Should she be required to ask, or at least inform you before having someone else over? In one case or two, it was a guy she had previously slept with and swears they're "just friends now" but those two alone at my place makes me REALLY uncomfortable. I want to trust her, and in many ways I do (otherwise I wouldn't let her be at my place when I'm not) but I don't trust her friends. I have valuables, money, medication, all readily accessible.... and I've tried to convince her why these situations make me uncomfortable to little avail. To clarify, this particular girl is my exgirlfriend that I am sleeping with, but we are not in a closed, traditional relationship. The only rule is we inform each other if we fuck anyone else. So I wonder if this is just a personal problem and I'm being irrational, or a legitimate cause for concern?

It's just bad policy to leave your ex-girlfriend (or any other FB) at your house when you're not there. Whether I trust a girl about stuff like this is made on a case by case basis. If it was my current girlfriend (who is awesome and treats me like a king), then I wouldn't even think twice about it. If a girl is dramatic and/or doesn't possess any common sense, then it would make me more nervous.

/Also, I'm going to nitpick for a second. She's not an ex if you're still sleeping with her. You've just transitioned into a non-exclusive FB relationship. You should follow the FB rules: http://puarticles.blogspot.com/2008/01/ ... rules.html

-Wolf

_________________
Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

I'd classify this as more of a MLTR. Not every time she comes over we have sex. Bad policy huh? See, no matter what I'm a volunteer EMT, so if I get a call I either say "hey, you gotta go" or "you can wait for me here until I get back" and if I come back to her still there or an empty house (read: missing girl, not stuff), no big deal. I come back and there's other people over, it is.

In this case I'm thinking of laying down this boundary. I see the conversation going like this:

"If you want to stay here while i'm on call/at class/running errand then fine, but if you want to hang out with your friends before I get back then you can do it somewhere else."

"What, don't you trust me?"

"Yes, I trust YOU alone at my place, but I don't trust your friends. I'm considering worst case scenario. If you don't like it, then just don't plan on being here when I'm not."

In this case, this girl has been trying to regain my trust (and mine hers) and tries on occasion to get me to lend her my key. I repeat to her that she's not my roommate, not even my girlfriend, and I don't feel comfortable with her having a key.

"You trust (so n so) with your key, why not me?"

"He doesn't use my place as a hangout, and certainly doesn't invite his friends over without my knowledge."'

In case you were wondering, she's not the same ex that fucked another dude while I wasn't at my place. Regardless, I don't even want to set the stage for that to even be a possibility, and I'm guessing the only way to do that is to not let her a)have a key and b)not let her be there at all when I'm not. I can see why it's "bad policy" to leave an FB at your house when you're not there. Regardless, the temptation of coming home from something with an FB "ready and waiting" is really hot... hmm, decisions, decisions...