This is a power struggle. But you need to hold your frame. You should let her know that these kind of "talks" are better done in person. Is there any reason why she can't come and meet you? Re-frame it and offer to meet.

Any woman who says "We need to talk" instead of actually addressing the issue is being a straight up bitch. The problem with the phone call is it gives her too much power. She can hang up on you, she can start crying to make you feel guilty, she can threaten all sorts of shit. She has set the date for tomorrow, to ensure you feel uncomfortable and apprehensive for 24 hours before her call. There is a word for this, it's called Schadenfreude, meaning she gets a certain pleasure out of making you squirm. Why couldn't she just call you today if she has a problem?

Have you noticed how she is paying you more attention and sending you longer messages now that you are being more aloof?

The more I hear about this girl, the more I think you'll be better off without her. She knows you are slowly regaining your balls and she is attempting to get them back by bullying you back into being the coward she is so used to controlling. Call her bluff.

Has she actually shown any remorse for sleeping with the dude? Has she said sorry?

Man I'm doing the same thing by not replying to her texts. I know schadenfreude it's usually insecure hateful girls in my experience. Crying etc is not going to work with me. I'm more sentimental in writing. I really don't think this girl cheated, it is a reflection of my own insecurity anyway. I'm not saying that vindicates her, I'm saying what I genuinely believe - that she didn't cheat. If she did she gets a short goodbye, maybe a little word as to 'it's my problem for caring who a dumb slut slept with'. Will I send her a text in agreement, possibly making her apprehensive? 'That would be good'. Silence is probably more effective. Or I put the call off to tomorrow. She's not the type to hang up the phone, I'd be more likely to do that.

What about sending her,

'Appologise for what you did and then we can talk.' This is drama. I don't like drama. I would rather talk to her. I'm tired of having to fit into her agenda all the time.

What about, 'You'll have to do better than that.' And continue freeze out. Seems childish.

_________________
Age; 26
Use your knowledge and actions to be the best version of yourself you can be

The whole time I've read this, I've been shouting at the computer for you to go and talk to her in person. Have you actually seen her face to face since the incident?

I take it you're from the UK? Where is she from? Where are you from? No relationship in the UK is long distance enough that you can't jump on a train to iron shit out IMO.

In my opinion, you need to get out of this. Being in a long term relationship with a girl who you can't touch or trust and is bringing on anxiety is not good and will ruin you further. Whilst you may not see it now, there are 100s of other suitable girls for you if you go out and look for it and I would suggest working on your inner game until the point you are comfortable without a girlfriend, before you contemplate being with one.

If, of course you choose to work on this relationship, freeze her out a little bit more, she's starting to crack. When you decide to talk to her (IN PERSON) and she asks you what you've been doing, tell her you've been busy focusing on other things...studying, hobbies, family, friends etc. Don't give her the ultimate respect as the number 1 person in your life, because she sure isn't doing that with you. Do you respect yourself and your own feelings to let shit like this happen to you? Because I can tell you now, that shit like this will snowball into future relationships if you don't address it.

And this friend...what kind of cunt is he? "I'm bored so I'm going to stay round a girl's house. Oh, the sofa is too uncomfortable, I'll just sleep in her bed". He clearly has no respect for you, I'm sorry to say. This story reeks of her cheating, I'm sorry to say it but IME, I wouldn't know of a way to get that confession out of her.

Good luck with whatever you do, there's some good people on this board who can help guide you, but you need to grab your balls and come to some sort of conclusion to this.

Also, fuck her stress levels etc, she brought this all on herself. I'd be inclined to think that her sleeping with this guy was a RESULT of this stress, if you are miles away.

_________________
REBORN

Agree with the above poster.

Now you are falling into her frame and defending her again.

You might as well chop your balls off and hand them to her on a plate.

No conversation tomorrow then. What if she breaks down and starts to beg, I need you, im sorry etc etc??

_________________
Age; 26
Use your knowledge and actions to be the best version of yourself you can be

This is idiotic. Your freeze out game is only going to hurt you. What do you think a freeze out and smacking down the authority frame will accomplish? Do you think that after all this, even if you look cooler in her eyes for distancing yourself it will keep her from cheating next time? No she just won't tell you.

There are only 3 possibilities for her inviting the guy over:

1) She IS cheating or hoped that something would happen and wanted deniability. If this is the case, you've already lost her and sadly you picked the wrong girl for a relationship especially one where you're not there and suffering sexual problems. Dump. Once she cheats or tries to cheat, the relationship is doomed. She's not faithful and no amount of freezing out or acting cool is going to make her.

2) She was just dumb and honestly thought nothing would happen. I've known female friends who sleep with guys in their beds and nothing ever happens. The guy tries, she goes to sleep. They don't see the harm in sleeping in the same bed as a guy. If your girl was just dumb and you know that she is the type like that talk to her. Some people are just THAT naive.

3) She was looking to spark jealousy. Maybe to ignite a spark, maybe things were getting old, maybe she was jealous of something you told her, maybe she is tired and wanted an argument to break up over.

My opinion from everything here is that your rs has just reached that point where people may start straying. But I don't know YOUR girl. You should. Writing these bs text messages is not going to give you answers. And if you ARE with a cheater, you're only prolonging time you could be moving on. See her in person if you can. Just express why her actions were wrong to you, find out what her motives were. If you smell bs, walk away. Because if you ARE dating a girl who TRIED to cheat on you, she's gonna be looking for that affection and attention MORE elsewhere.

Freezing out a girl who tried to cheat, is only going to make it easier for her to do so. And freezing out a girl who was naive isn't going to get her to see your perspective.

I've been lurking this thread for a while and I just wanted to say:

Hunter_Foxe, you've done a particularly exceptional job in this thread. Your experience really shows itself here.

I had a monogamous relationship many years ago with a girl who didn't treat me well, tried to boss me around and nagged me every day. One day I'd had enough, so i told her I wasn't happy and dumped her. She broke down, begged me to stay, couldn't live without me etc. "That's not gonna work this time. I'm not happy, I want to break up." I said. She stopped crying and got angry with me. Thus proving the tears were just an attempt at manipulation. Crying to get your way is emotional blackmail. This particular girl had a short fuse and would lock herself in the bathroom during arguments. On occasions she self-harmed, tried to open the door of a moving car and threatened to jump out the window unless she got her own way. (edit* ...boy was I glad to get away from her! )

As soon as you ignore behaviour like this, the girl realises she can't pull shit like this.

I think the problem with my advice to you is you are trying to apply it to your situation with your girlfriend, instead of taking it all in to improve your confidence and being prepared to walk away from her. You keep saying "if she cheated, I'm leaving" but you're quite happy to put up with her treating you like shit and emotionally blackmailing you.

Let's pretend she never cheated on you. And let's say she never will. You should still be prepared to walk away because of the way she treats you. Just because she doesn't cheat, doesn't mean she is a good girlfriend. You've got tunnel vision about the cheating thing. You keep saying "She cheated? Dump. She didn't cheat? Stay." but it's not that simple. Her cheating is just one of many ways she disrespects you.

Why do you want to be with a girl who makes you feel pathetic?

In a way, I'm a luckier guy. I had this monogamous relationship with a married girl who left her husband for me. After several years, I started not to bang her so good because I usually got home very tired from being too focused chasing big money career-wise. Not banging her good resulted in me not coming home to hot meals, sleeping hungry, and waking up hungry.

I said, "I'm not happy. Let's end this shit." She cried and begged; said she'll make up for shit and all that. She served me hot dinners every night for two years or so but by then, I was already cheating left and right with girls I met at the malls where I took my breakfasts and lunches since there's nothing at home. I banged a few girls I sarged online too.

Some girls are manipulative but a few are good ones. In my case, I had a good girl (she didn't nag, she's very responsible financially, she took good care of my daughter, and she's so fucking sweet). BUT I fucked up for not doing my duties and obligations for the relationship. What do you fucking expect? I can't get my dick up when I'm hungry.

But I'll tell you this.

Yours is not the good type. Move on and fix yourself before you look for someone else who's a good fit for you.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I'm putting a smile on here. I remember what it was like to not give a shit, be capable of moving on easily, but with afore mentioned sexual problems, I fear being alone.

Baby you made me cry i always thaught that you 'd never think of le me go . it is just so obstacles that we have to overcome i ll never think about that path of breaking up with you

My response, No more messages, let's have a talk

Some more information about this relationship; if I hadn't had my health issues I would be cheating on her, in fact I would be honest about it and be in an open relationship. The problem is my game is not good enough, never quite reached the level I needed it to before my health went. I would have fucked her and loved her and not cared who else had her. Monogamy is not natural, it just offers a certain stability. So what I'm saying is before I would have been strong enough not to mind. I believe in peace and love. My inspiration in life is Gene Simons; fucks freely, loves life, respects people and doesn't have a problem with infidility; why should he?

Therefore, before I would not be breaking up with this girl for cheating. She is volitile and full of life and energy; she is smart and reads a lot, she wants to travel, she isa dreamer and a free spirit, shelives each momment and can put passion into mundane tasks; we share in common hard childhoods and a history of depression. Ours was the kind of pain that makes you stronger, until I encountered pain that fucks your sex up.

I am not that person anymore. I might get back to that level, but right now I am not there.

So I'm not going to get mad at her, I'm just going to say this is not for me, delete her from my phone and facebook and move on.

_________________
Age; 26
Use your knowledge and actions to be the best version of yourself you can be

You said you can still make her cum, your dick still does the job. And your fingers and tongue still work. Don't bring your penis into the argument it's irrelevant. If Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve can get a girlfriend without a penis, then you can get one with a semi-working penis. Remember John Wayne Bobbitt? His wife cut his penis off, he had it surgically re-attached, they divorced, he starred in pron movies and after all the media coverage he had a ton of women chasing him, many of whom were curious to try out his weird penis. You have deep-rooted insecurity and limiting beliefs which I firmly believe were there before your accident.

The problem is you, and your inability to accept responsibility, not your penis. It's convenient for you to blame your health issues because it means you don't have to take responsibility for your own actions. Just like parents who blame their kids' behaviour on ADHD because the alternative is accepting they are shit parents. There is something seriously wrong with you if you don't enjoy your own company.

There is no "magical" turning point where you're suddenly really good at relationships and a pimp with women. It's just a constant learning process of improvements. Don't think, "oh I just need to learn this, then I'll be a pimp". Believe that you're good enough NOW.

So by page 7 of your thread you're telling us that you have not been banging her good as you used to? That what's keeping you together despite the bad sex and other unattractive qualities of yours is the strong emotional connection you both have?

I guess that changes the entire relationship dynamic then.

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

You're the man!

That's one VERY strong mindset to have. Great analysis and advice. I think nobody on here could have said it better even the ever so reliable and sharp Neo (no offense man, Hunter_Foxe is simply awesome in this thread).

_________________
Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I love this girl. Whether her genitals work or she's sleeping with the whole street is kind of irrelevant to that. The fact is I can't handle it currently, my mindset changed. It is fair to say I find it difficult to enjoy my own company now. She loves me, I believe. Is she going to be happy playing the field or is there anything I can do to help her achieve balance, irrelevant of whether she's fucking me or not? I mean, is the state she is in ideal for her, or can she learn more self control, restraint? Is she likely in her natural state? At this stage I am definitely going to leave her life btw (I've experienced breakups and know that the only way is deletion) but I am curious to know is there anything that will make this girl more stable that you guys know off? Like a book or a way of thinking. (I am a lot more looking for stability now than I was when I met her btw. At that stage I was loving life a lot more but certainly far from stable.)
Can you explain? How does this change the relationship dynamic?

Also, this is awesome advice. This will be a turning point. Mountain to climb but I'm ready and willing.

_________________
Age; 26
Use your knowledge and actions to be the best version of yourself you can be

Holy crap. What the hell is going on here?

It was very painful to read through the thread. Excruciating, I'd say.

Since OP is still convinced that this girl hasn't cheated on him, I'm just going to ignore all the evidence supporting the opposite, and treat the situation as if it were true. Just for the sake of learning, because this is not about her cheating or not cheating. Others have pointed it out, but it was ignored consistently.

Another thing that you have consistently ignored throughout this thread is meeting and talking about this personally. I don't understand. You tell her "We need to talk" and then you go into omega mode trying to make her realize her mistake while not trying to make her feel bad. And this is bad. Women are emotional. If you want her to realize her mistake, she should feel bad. She will not learn otherwise. And this is not something to talk about in texts or phone calls. Texts are for sexts, or arranging dates. Perhaps sometimes, little small talks. But nothing more. It's impersonal, it's easily misenterpreted, in any way, it's completely useless in a situation like this.

And now you say you will leave her life, but you still think about how to fix her. Wrong, and wrong and wrong.

I guess you want her to be happy, and that's okay. Really a nice thing. But erm... there's no fucking book that will teach her what's respectful and what's disrespectful. That was your job. Now it will be her future boyfriends' job. It's the man's job to set the frames, and this is exactly what happens when it's not done properly. Massive shitstorm.

You have many issues. It's easy to tell. You say you want stability. Well let me tell you then. A stabile relationship will not fix your life. A stabile life and mind will let you have a well functionning relationship. Fix your mindset first. You are still young. Lots of opportunities and new experiences await you. Stop putting pressure on relationships. Stop putting pressure on yourself, and your partners. Set boundaries and live your life. It's way too late to do anything about this relationship anyway.

Peace,

In$tinct

_________________
"Bros before hoes"

Relationship guide: extended-relationship-guide-vt170687.html

http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/instinct