More or less the day to day mindset has helped but now my mind is becoming consumed with future thinking and the situations I am imagining are something I am reacting to emotionally and I am finding myself resenting her, even though nothing has happened.

Creating a future self

Try meditation, lots of guided ones online, learn to become more present rather than creating identities out of 'form' (past and/or future).

So here is a request I've formulated but I need help with wording it. She had a girlfriend, a new one, that seems to take priority over me quite a bit. The girlfriend and her text a lot and she always says she misses her and is very kind worded. I want to be treated more like her tried because I feel that the affection I lack is found in this relationship.

Haha

I'm sorry but this really made me laugh. I can't even put in to words how this sounds but I know another poster can excellently. N2 jack rc heywood... Please someone explain why this is terrible

Lol...

You want to be a tampon?

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

I don't think you're understanding the principles of NVC, it does take time to seep-in and you won't get it if you're simply trying to apply it as some sort of triage to your current sit. NVC isn't a band aid or some quick fix remedy.

Giraffes aren't 'nice' (as Rosenberg would often say). The 3 main ingredients to NVC are:

1) FEELINGS - Connecting to what's alive in you (or another) at the feeling level (e.g., "Are you feeling angry because...?"

2) NEEDS - Identify the need associated to the feeling (think of feelings as the start point and follow that down to an unmet need(s))

3) Make a NEEDS REQUEST (or help identify it in the other person) - Has to be specific and actionable, for example "I need you to respect me more!" isn't doable. Too vague, doesn't tell what the person specifically needs to feel more respected.

So let's just say she agrees (begrudgingly) to which you'll both pay for it down the line as it wont come out of a giving energy that you'd want it to come out of. Would you rather she agree to this request and send you 'nice' texts and you wonder if she's doing it out of obligation? If its out of obligation, that is if she's hearing a demand or giving out of any other energy than gift-giving, the two of you will pay for it at a later time, 100%.

This reminds me of the example Rosenberg uses for love:

Jackal: "Do you love me?"
Giraffe: "That depends Jackal, do you define love as a feeling or a need?"
Jackal: "You don't love me!"
Giraffe: "Jackal, are you asking if I am FEELING in this moment all tingly and warm towards you?"
Jackal: "YES!!!"
Giraffe: "Then the answer is NO. But try again in a few minutes"



This is why punishment in general never works, whether we use it on our partners or anyone. If anyone here thinks punishment works, ask yourself 2 questions and you'll see why it never can:

1. What do we want the other person to do? (now if we stop here it creates the illusion that punishment works, but if we ask the 2nd part, we see it can't ever work...)

2. What do I want their reasons to be for doing it?

Same applies here. She can agree to your request to send you fake lovey dovey text messages, but it won't be for the reasons you'd like, at least in the long term,

Yeah I am learning this but applying it is tricky. So at this point I've figured out my needs and feelings and wanted to make a request. I understand that if she isn't giving out of willingness then it's pointless. I guess I figured she can't know my needs unless I express them to her?

The need for connection is really what I need rather than specifically text messages but I see that she is able to willingly give to her girlfriend and I don't feel that I get the same SPAM.

I don't know what her deal is so its tough to say hearing your side alone.

If she's already checked-out there isn't much you can do. It's possible she has built-up an Enemy Image of you in which case she'd require a lot of empathy before that image is torn down and she's able to then hear about your needs.

If connection is really what you want, I m not convinced she's the one willing to give that to you (tough to say). You may be better served finding a girl who IS willing to meet that need.

NONE of your needs are dependent on any one person meeting them - there are hundreds of other women in your area who can meet them if she's not willing to.


Like I said, Giraffes aren't about being nice - much of the violence in this world is done by 'nice people'. NVC isn't some hippy lets all hold hands by the campfire and sing kumbaya peacenik talk. It is a compassionate language focused on FEELINGS and NEEDS, but if someone is UNWILLING (after you've made your feelings, needs, and needs request clear to them) to meet your need then find someone who is willing to.

I've been dealing with a similar situation and im almost baffled to read that there are so many similarities in our behaviour and feelings (methodology). This post has really held me up a propper mirror and i really see and understand things better now. Glad i found that NVC too, going to watch that this weekend.

I know this doesn't solve your problem, but for what it's worth; thanks alot man (and the rest of you!)

May not solve your current issue for what its worth. But it certainly puts you on the path to living life more easily, and doing things out of joy/gift giving then doing something out of obligation and feeling resentment later. Plus u'll never hear another criticism ever again - which is magical in itself,

@methodology;
I'm by no means an expert but:
Maybe if you REALLY start seeing and believing this, and opening up to this thought (and not because you want to, subconsciously or intentionally, fix the relationship), she will start texting you more because she can sense something is different. (this is actually a direct post towards me too lol).

What i've REALLY started to understand more and more and more after yesterday is that you have to be willing to lose her in order to get her (or anything in life really, for that matter).

I know, but i'm REALLY starting to believe that's ok. I mean it's going to suck, but also this is ok. Win win

Framed another way, always remain invested in yourself, you're worth it.

A byproduct of that is others will be drawn to you.