I am just recognizing a lot of innate desires and needs that I haven't before. One is to make her happy which isn't in my control and I think it is one of the main reasons I have been changing. I have been trying to keep her happy by staying compatible and making changes, albeit very positive changes. This drive I think needs to be made more realistic but so don't think it is too destructive but I can't make her happy, just aim to be certain values that I see fit.

Nope. "need for her to text" ... the need is for Connection.

"I feel at ease when you reach-out to me because I truly value the connection we have", for example,

Feeling: at ease
Need: connection
Needs Request: to hear from her e.g. on the phone


That said if you do all three and she's not wanting to meet your request at least you know and if its that important to you you'll seek-out a partner willing to do so. Typically however if a person is not willing to meet your need its because they have need(s) of their own which are not being met - in such a situation you could ask the person what's preventing them from saying "yes" to meeting your need.

Yup. That's the gift NVC will give to you.

You'll become far more in touch with your own needs, in other words it'll help you develop a stronger needs consciousness. You're learning to speak a language we actually knew in our earlier years, but unfortunately we lost that as our culture taught us a more punitive rewards/punishment based language.

This IS how you build a connection to yourself, rather than get-in-touch with yourself as being some abstraction.

You'll also communicate far more honestly. You'll see people respond to you in a much different way (the beauty of NVC is that other people don't have to speak this way for it to be successful). As a result of this you'll be able to give and receive freely, not hearing anymore judgments or evelatuions and instead just meeting needs (your own as well as those of others').

Nice analysis! I definitely feel that way on all three levels.

I truly hope you continue learning and implementing this new language irrespective of what happens in this relationship. It is definitely worth the effort, for yourself and for those around you.

Do you have any over resources or advice? I'm sure I'll continue my posting to this as things come up. I think our needs are different and her need to get things done right now probably masks her need for intimacy whereas I have learned to deal with challenging schedules without becoming overwhelmed. It took practice. Anyways, it's been super helpful and far more helpful than I expected!

Stick with NVC for now, it'll keep you busy and help you get more of what you want rather than more of what you don't want.

Just keep looking up workshops and stuff online? Yeah with our needs being what they are it will be interesting to see if we can find a middle ground.

I feel concerned that you're feverishly trying to learn all you can so you can 'fix' your relationship, therefore I am hesitant to give you more resources.

Also, learning NVC is a whole undertaking, you don't just watch the video and boom, you're done. So stick with the feelings, needs, and needs requests, finishing the workshop, watch it a few more times and you'll be well ahead of the game in terms of effectively communicating with people.

I guess I just didn't know what you meant by stick with just that topic because when I looked it up I saw a ton of YouTube videos online and didn't know if you want mento look at those or just the one workshop.

Apologies.

Here's the link https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64

But I did just meet with my girlfriend and all of her fries a and she made comments about how living alone is the way to go which to me sounds like I might not be going with her but I stopped trying to fix it and was just trying to be myself and not worry what they thought and I think it helped!

Oh and I went through that one so I'll keep watching it to refresh

Good! That's a foot in the right direction.

So I am starting to feel like I am sliding backwards. Yesterday I brought the topic up of if she wants me to come with her but doesn't want me to live with her I have friends down there I can room with if she needs space. She replied with an "Okayyy" and "Let's take this day by day and see" and then followed up with a "you are welcome at my place anytime", which was a confusing statement. It seemed contradictory to what she has been saying about our plans, and I'm not sure if it means she does want me to come now but wants to take this day to day in case that changes? Or maybe I can visit from my state but she doesn't want me down there? It's a statement I can interpret many ways. However, it sort of rained on my parade because now I have this rumination on this situation. I am finding myself constantly thinking about whether or not she is going to want me down there and it just is digging myself into a hole. I know I can't control her decision other than being myself but I keep finding myself creating arguments for why I should be down there and why her "day to day" logic doesn't coincide with my logic which is that what you plan happens. Anyways, I more or less want to quit ruminating but I know there is a need I want here. It's a need for reassurance and security and to know that what I want is what she wants. Any advice on how to get myself back to a positive state of mind?