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We try to hang out at least once a week(lives 30 mins away driving)
this is good ... because you shouldn't invest too much before you really get to know eachother on a deeper level. Some people see eachother 4 or 5 times a week for the first 2 months and then they break up which makes it more brutal because they have invested alot time and emotions.
seeing eachother 1 or 2 times a week keeps the pressure off the relationship , people who are flaking or pretending to be bussy cannot handle the relationship because they are emotionally unhealthy ( in most cases ).
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She had a really rough childhood growing up with really strict, controlling and abusive parents, got picked on alot in hs and now she just got out of this with withdrawn, depressed, reclusive state; seeing a therapist and lives with her grandma.
Looks like she had bad role models which seriously affected her way of interpreting ''reality''. The problem with these kind of people is that almost all of them have :
1. Chronically fatiqued , chronically depressed
2. Unconclusive values and poor backward rationalization regarding Love and other compassionate emotions.
3. Prone to addictions ... either material or non-material like negative self imaging etc.
in short terms .. they are emotionally unhealthy
It seems you relieved her symptoms her and when she feels better she creates space - or maybe - ignores you. Its quitte complicated , if you take value from someone instead of ''love'' you will backward rationalize it as love , most people think sex has anything to do with love which is absurd because you can do it without feeling love - it's objectification. Even AFC chodes mistake some attention for love......Real love does not create dependancy its complete self hypnosis.
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She seems to have issues communicating, and i find myself being the one who mostly initiates communication, but throughout the relationship she has shown me genuine interest when we hang out(holding me, kissing me often, telling me she likes this and that about me, etc..
she doesn't know your values because she doesn not have clear values on her own , in other words she is on the receiving end of social interaction - she does not initiate interest. She does not show interest or ''love '' on her own , she is taking value instead of giving value. actually ... she is a afc/chode getting some attention.. from you.
She is telling herself whats shes liking about you for giving her attention , people who use drugs don't say they use drugs because they have a bad self image - they only say what they like about it. People always rationalize (unconciously ) if their brain targets something of value.... she likes that and this about you blabla..
This i do daily ... ASKING GOOD QUESTIONS ( to yourself of course )
what does she actually really likes about you ? did she ever say i love you? not that she's obligated to do so but still. IF she likes you that much then why are you initiating contact all the time ? What people say , do and really think are different stories, it's hard to forsee - especially when you are emotional. Communication is one of the most important aspects of human interaction, Poor self communication also relates in bad communication regarding enviroments.
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The past month or so has been a little rough, at first she'd flake on plans alot, usually having some legitimate reason(family drama ish, cell phone she borrowed dying, etc) and only recently have we started seeing each other every week again. She also recently got some job that has her working 9 he's for 5 days and after work, she works out intensely. So we usually can't hang out until her free days because she's too tired by the time she finishes working/working out.
She already is lying to herself so why would believe she is having legitimate reasons ? Of course it's not that important but all the above does make this seem questionable .... like you are asking yourself : is she trustwhorty ? shes not healthy enough to be in a relationship anyway , she has too many issues , if she really likes you she would make time for you. Of course it will hurt your ego but it's true.....it almost seem like she doesn't have enough time for herself - which is bullshit of course. if she's really bussy you have to accept it tho , some people are bad self-managers.
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So last friday we made plans to see each other on Sunday, when she got back from this family reunion thing that she told me she wouldn't be back from until later that night. So I went thriugh that Sunday doing my own stuff, and the time goes by..8..9..10:45, so I give the house a call to see if she got back yet. Her grandma picks up telling me not only was she home, but she was out with friends. I was pretty pisses and confronted her about it online later that night. She said the reunion cancelled last minute and then her friends invited her out.
again asking good questions .....
1. are you mad because she preferred her friends and not you ?
2. are you mad of the fact she could be lying ?
3. are you mad about the fact she doesn't want you see more than 1 or 2 times a week ?
if you are talking to her pissed she will lie to you , when you are pissed or angry , woman will always adjust their answer. You have to learn to be calm no matter what happens ....
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told her I was kinda vexed about it and confused; told her about how sometimes it seems like she likes and other times it seems like she's not interested... Then she fell asleep online.
she did not fell asleep , you made her confront her own problems and she refused. actually what she should have said at this point is '' i like you '' or such thing but she didn't. if you are asking woman something without giving them emotions they will give you a plain answer or flake. However if you cuddle with them or have sex- they will say what they like about you because you are giving them emotions. You are the cause of the good emotions thus the other person will regard you as high value.
You are just a drug ... when you give her good emotions she likes you and when you don't give her good emotions she flakes... she doesn't even know this , it's completely out of her reality, when you confront her you will give her bad emotions thus she flakes.
lets face it .. you want more - a more serious relationships and she doesn't respond to this concept. She is not giving you what you want or need. she is vague on certain moments because on time she is telling what she likes about you and other similiar moments she flakes. She is having communication issues as well which makes it even harder to explain her what you need.
She does no have certain values which are needed for good relationships however you do have more congruent/ realistic values. The more you get pulled in her world the more you will compromise your values. worth or not ?
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all the above are not explanations but more like signposts leading to your awareness leading to this :
The only thing you can do is tell her what you want in a relationship and what you expect from someone else. Of course you can take her out , have fun with her etc but what is the use if she doesn't love you ? you can also have fun with friends ....
The context of what she's saying is '' i cannot have a relationship .. at least not right now'' . Talking to her will be difficult anyway, she already flaked when you asked about her questionable interest.
my guess is that she will flake when you ask her relevant things about relationships and probably break up with you. to me it sounds like she is ''probably'' just using you , she doesn't even know she's doing this so don't get angry. She is sounding like she's too immature for serious or good relationships.
...sorry ... but you can accept this type of relationship and see how it develops , or you can break up. Personally from experience and dealing with similar personality types ... i would decide to dump her.
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These past few months she's shown me that she's a genuine and straight-forward honest person
she being a honest person isn't that important , whats more important is you being honest to yourself ! are you seeing it clearly or are you getting too emotional ?
im not some guru know all ... some really bad relationships do succeed ... even the'' experts'' are not always right , if you really feel like continueing this thing with her you should do it. pickup tactics and back massage doesn't work....clearity and choice will.
90 % of the problems are guys hooking up with these emotional unhealthy woman.
CHAT
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