This is more of a general question,it's like a "relationships strategy" i want to know what do you think of it.
When i am in a relationship and i feel the girl more invested than me,more attached and more willing to open i tend to equalize that investment.I tend to invest(actually a bit too much).Most of the time -because of weak inner game -this actually harms my relationship more then equalize it.
What if I give that feeling to the girl,without actually being "more invested" ?Call her,telling her words she wants to hear(making her dependent of my validation also).Acting AFC,but not being AFC.But the "good" side of AFC(tell her what she wants to hear,try to be fun for her even when you're not in the mood),not the "i wanna ignore you,so you will love me" bad side.Also,AFC in words-most of the time-not in action.I believe if you're not that emotionally implied,there is no danger of telling her anything u want.
I saw a friend of mine pulling it out(making a girl like REALLY needy for him),but i was always thinking like "i wanna be sincere,authentic so i won't tell her what she wants".

I'm in the army so I am away a lot, but what is a good way to maintain attraction when I am gone? Often times I do have my phone so I can text and keep in contact.

Long story short: Im 24 and she is 19.

Been dejting this girl for 3 month and we spend so much time together (almost everyday). And I have this friend that likes my girlfriend. So much that he is bullshitting about me behind my back (guess he was my friend since I dont trust him and spend time with him anymore). My girlfriend told me this or else i wouldnt know about it at all. He is acting like he is her boyfriend (overprotective and all) but they dont kiss or even have any physical contact. And recently I've started to get annoyed about him going to far.

I've talked to her just yesterday about this. Saying that I don't like him doing that. But I will let her spend time with whomever she wants. But I prefer that she dont spend time with him alone.

What he does is making her confused about me. And he is making her very sad a few times. I've been there supporting her. But my limit is soon reached.

What to do and what to say?

Hey,

(I posted just above). I was talking to my gf before and i subtly steered the convo into a more sexual tone + upp'ed the kino. And i find that talking about sex/anything relating to sex makes her feel really uncomfortable. She was like "woah lets no go there, this is just getting awkward".

How do i overcome this ? How do i build the comfort necessary for sexual topics to become "normal"?

yep , however you can just tell simply things ... of course you can always text simple things like goodnight and so forth. If you are not really emotionally implied your subcommunication will not be as ''AFC'' , however do realize if you tell a girl '' i love you'' without being really emotionally implied you can look incongruent as well.

as for ignoring it did me more harm than good, ignoring works when you are dating but not when you are in a relationship ( in most cases.
if a girl is emotional and you spiked her emotions in a postive way you can be AFC because you give her good emotions thus you are perceived as value, if you are of very high value - temporarily - you can say anything you want.
in most cases guys say i love you or i care about you - or whatever the girl wants to hear at the wrong moments, its just like a pickup you need to spike her emotions first if she replies back by saying the same thing you probably did well. if she doesn't reply in any way you probably fucked it up or she's having psychological problems.

there are exception so don't be a control robot, calibration calibration

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i've been in the army and it's hard to maintain contact, if you really have good online game and phone/text game you can maintain attraction. But to really be honest it's total shit , it's a waste of time because you are doing everything over the phone and you are not really building a solid relationship. Meanwhile any other guy can pick her up because they have more personal-face to face- contact in most cases.

Look you can maintain attraction by using the phone , maybe for a month or 2 but there comes a time when you really need to get more serious and the woman wants you to invest. What you need is a girl who is not needy, someone who gives you space and let you do your job. Girls who are not needy are way harder to pickup but they don't dump you for ''long distance relationships'' that quick and they are not prone to cheating. you need a girl who is ok with not seeing eachother that much and talking over the phone.

gaming over the phone is just like normal game it's exactly the same, however get in state before you call someone - talk to some friends or colleagues before calling so you get into a talkative mood.

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Phaz

i think you are overreacing .. this guy is over protective and probably acting AFC. Don't give order to your Girlfriend and act like the guy never existed. Whenever she talks about him just say '' ok '' oh ... cool '' totally non-emotional. she told you about it , that's ok. A Problem which can't be solved should not get attention , just act like never existed. don't be afraid he will pickup your GF because your Girfriend can cheat whenver she wants to - meaning LET GO.... don't resist it , don't try to control things. if you talk about it don't mension him or her , just say something like '' people who are talking trash around someones back are really pathetic''.

indirect general non-emotional approach

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gave some tips ..... persistence , just keep talking about it like it's completely normal - because it is normal sex is normal alot of people do it even strangers do i, animals do it, insect do it. These limiting beliefs about how ''wrong '' sex is are in her head.

you can bust her balls a bit , not by freezing out or ignoring -
''"woah lets no go there, this is just getting awkward".''
respond with something like : what are you talking about ? why are you acting so weird all sudden ?

Make it talkable - talk about it just take the lead when she says something to cut-off the convo , in a relationship you should talk about everything , well at least it should be possible to talk about anything.

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Hey Lode - thanks for the help so far btw - been great.

Just had a pretty big argument with my gf last night. It was during a dnm...

Anyway, we were talking about where we stand with each other and stuff...Here's the convo:

Her: Seriously, Do i seem that superficial?
just say yes

Me: not superficial

Her: Materialistic?

Me: I dont think that's the right word. Materialistic maybe...i dunno.

Her: Ok

Me: Honestly i've never seen you that happy in a while
*we were talking on SPAM the night before and she found her makeup order had come through or something and she was like REALLY REALLY happy*

Her: hmmm

Me: So cuts to me

Her: Why would that cut you?

Me: dw

Her: I'm gonna go now. Gnite.

----END CONVO ---

Key things to notice:
- I know she's definitely pissed off at me for "calling her materialistic" HOWEVER it IS kind of true, - she admits it herself (although she doesnt like to admit it obviously)
- I didn't realise that this was such a "sore" point for her...

I saw her today and she acted really cold (obviously). Decided to play it cool. Apologised sincerely for it and said that i didn't realise how much that affected her.

*got denied the kiss goodnight - only got a hug*

Where to go now ?
- SPAM i'm just thinking of keeping a bit of distance, and to just let her cool off. Is this right?
- Does this mean she'll think that i will always "judge" her now ? *WHICH I DIDNT AND NEVER WILL - I DONT JUDGE OTHERS*
- Does this mean she'll have lost some trust in me?

- I'll prob be seeing her 2moro (group outing), so should i just act as if NOTHING has happened ? Or What?

Thanks!

Hi guys first poster here. Great forum. Firstly apologies if this doesn't fit right in with the thread but im hoping I can get some help here.

Anyway my situation is basically that a girl and I had growing tension for nearly 5 years; every time we saw each other over time we had a cool connection, we just had partners for so long. Finally we ended up together this Feb, just 'seeing each other' was what she wanted. Now in that time, we have had some disagreements and issues which I am clear with, and know what needs reconciliation so I don't feel that I need clarification there.

However, early June she told me she needed to cut it off, but continuously contacted me over the course of about 2 weeks almost daily, with me instigating contact minimally over this period. We caught up a few times and, after being questioned about lack of contact, I made it clear that I interpreted her wanting the relationship to be done quite literally, and that contacting her was not the most reasonable situation in my eyes as it stood.

Also, in my opinion if she wants space, she is going to get it. She threw all kinds of small shit tests during this catch up time about other guys being keen on her etc. I just played cool while we caught up, with the error being that I mentioned the relationship and used resolving our issues as the basis for our chat. On the last catch up I didn't mention much at all, although I did mention her having deleted me on FB, to which she asked if it bothered me, and I replied no, because we were hanging out anyway and FB is nothing special to me (her reasons for deleting me were that after she broke it off, she got jealous when she saw me talking to others and not her, and she couldn't deal with it). The next day I asked for her to be clear with me, because I couldn't continue the constant contact without knowing what was going on, because I was getting mixed messages, and she said that it was done.

Anyway, a few days later she asked me what I was upto, but I was out of town, so when I saw the message the next day, I replied by telling her that it was clear we wanted different things, and that i respected her and her decision, but I couldn't be a friend at the time because I needed time and space to sort some things out. I wished her all the best for her endeavours and left it that that. I had a few missed calls from a private number early on but chose not to answer them (I'm speculating with a hunch it was her). She had re-added me to FB that weekend, but I chose not to accept, as I understand it would be a dent to my integrity if I said I needed time and space, yet accepted her and would see her status updates etc which could possibly make things more difficult for me. The request disappeared after about 3 weeks, I don't know why, but I was planning to use this as my channel to re instigate contact down the track.

Now it has been about a month and for some reason I care about this one alot more than the usual feelings I've had following a break-up, perhaps due to the 5 year history we have had and a different bond I have felt with her over that time (even though we were only seeing each other for a few months just now). My question is how to re-instigate the contact now that FB might not be a viable option, or do I just add her? It doesn't feel as personable as I would want it to be. I have to admit I want her back. Thoughts? Thanks in advance

Firstly I think this is a silly idea - having a bunch of unrelated problems in ONE thread. Normally people can benefit from the info by reading an appropriately titled thread and exploring it... but this thread is attempting to be the entire relationship board in one thread. If Lodewijkp wants to answer relationship questions, he can just reply to new threads people make in the relationship board.


Anyway I just had to say you were unreasonable in your conversation there.

Firstly, if she's asking if she has problems, she's looking for sympathy, and she's insecure. Whether or not it's true that she has issues, it's wrong to just go "yeah there are issues" and leave it. Trust me I know. You have to address the fact that she's looking for sympathy and needs comfort cause she's in a bad place right now. So you can be truthful but you can put it gently, also add a few words to put a positive spin on things and remind her she's not alone, whatever, think of something appropriate to make her comfortable.

Maybe you couldn't have known this, and fair enough, but the following is not really excusable IMO;

There's nothing wrong with her getting excited over a thing. Some people are depressed and they like to get a bit of excitement over some things to help them through. All girls like clothes, makeup, etc. calling her materialistic above other girls just cause of one makeup tray is really not fair. It's probably a really rare one that she had to order.

And finally "So cuts to me " what does that even mean? She asked you "Why would that cut you?" I was wondering the same thing. Then you got all emotional and went "dw". That's a GIRL'S job to respond like that!

So now she feels a bit shit around you cause of the feelings you instigated by calling her "materialistic" when she was in a bad place. And on top of that, it was over something she was trying to get excited about. And to finish it all off, you went AFC by saying "hey you hurt me " She goes "why?" you go "nothing, it's fine." (that's what girls say when they're hurt btw)

I can't give you exact instructions but it's not gonna be easy. It will probably require time to pass, and will definitely require you to re-build that comfort, and also re-build that attraction from the wussy behaviour.

Hey,

I've been dating this girl for about 10 months and it’s great. Originally I wasn't looking for a gf but the two of us got on amazingly well, always laughing and having fun. So the problem...

Basically there is a big lack of sex in the relationship. She is a student in a very intensive course and I had put the lack of sex down to the pressure she was under at school. She usually doesn’t get home till 10 most nights and is exhausted, but college broke for summer in May and things haven't improved. She apologised during the college year for the lack of sex so I thought in the summer things were going to change but they haven’t. I know she is crazy about me, she has had some problems in her life and sees me as the big light at the end of the tunnel (she is not needy, she is quite a strong independent person but I know she is very much in love with me).

A few bits of info on our sex life...

She has told me in the past that she needs to mentally prepare herself for sex, i.e. she needs to know that she is going to have sex later in the day.
When we have sex it often feels like she does it out of obligation, never seems like she’s horny.
Whenever I initiate things it always ends up with her giving me a bj, could be worse I know, but also sucks cause I know it’s just a way of avoiding sex. It seems like she thinks that because I'm getting a bj that she has fulfilled her duty. When I escalate things this is where it usually goes (if she hasn't decided she’s having sex tonight then she’s not having sex).
We haven’t built up much of a rhythm and when we do have sex its much the same as when we first started going out. We had a little bit more sex when we first started going out but in retrospect this was probably just her thinking that it was necessary at that time in order to progress with the relationship.
She is on anti depressants which she says lowers her sex drive.
She doesn't have any big hang ups on sex or insecurities about it.
The romance is good.
She never clicked with any of her previous boyfriends, said she even thought about becoming a lesbian because she had never met one decent guy. I suspect this might have something to do with it because she says she never felt like partners with her previous boyfriends, they were just dating her for the short term.

I really love this girl and could never imagine meeting a girl that I will get on as well with, but this is a problem. How do I break up this pattern so we can start enjoying the sex together? Please I really need your help with this cause she is definitley a keeper.

So a couple of months ago I came upon a slow departure for the game, and why?

Well I so solemnly came across this amazing girl, not this snobby, i have big tits, I am hot and I know it Beautiful Girl, But this honest down to earth Shy Beautiful girl, Totally in touch with her personality, and for this I said, "She seems like the one I'd leave this for, for a while." and so I did, I was out of the game for about a month, I had sex with this woman, I held her hand and she was mine, all because i Smoothly put across this Alpha Character that knew PUA and studied it like a Mofo, taught myself how to talk, act, and walk, and to this day she says I'm just attractive and she doesn't know why Laughing .

So at this peak of being with an amazing girl thinking this could only get better, It didn't get better, It got worse and worse, due to her Family issues, and all the sudden still in Love still wanting to be together, she had to leave and it wasn't her fault either, luckily, I said "Well she's only 40 minutes away I can keep up a relationship like that between us easy." And I learned this was not the very case in the least bit, because, I wasn't allowed to see her at all by request of her mother, what a bitch.

Well to make a Long story short, We said "Okay lets end it, lets not go out cut out all that stuff, we can still talk and stuff" Wrong. I now wasn't allowed to talk to her either, fan-fucking-tastic.

and so I told her I loved her, despite the fact we we're no longer dating, because i might not see her or speak to her for a while, a very long while. but every chance I got I tried.

So I basically have 2 problems now, I lost the girl of my dreams, and I forgot PUA (god damnit!) not good. I still hold my Alpha Characteristics (which is ultimately keeping my girl), but Picking UP girls and creating attraction has become a shit hole for me.

I tried hooking up with this girl recently, and what do you know it didn't happen because I created no attraction in her, damn, what now.

So I basically have seen my predicament as this , I can move on from the girl of my dreams, tell her I don't want us to be or speak, and go on fucking re-learning PUA, being happy and relaxed but still pissed at the fact that I have her no more, or I can be piss poor and just wait, wait for a girl I have no control over anymore, not seeing for a long while, and ultimately have no idea what shes doing, lying or leaving me.

The first one seems like it would be logical

Lode, How can I even keep that initial attraction in her, I see it as I could cut ties with her completely until she makes a contact and initiation, and shows that she wants to be with me, because at this point I'm not in any control, and I'm tired of investing in it even though I can't really stop. It's her choice and it depends on her, and currently I'm holding to myself that if she went with another guy I wouldn't care, but thats what i said about the break-up thing and i didn't take that well. Basically it's her call, she can let her entire family know that we want to be together and the chips will fall where they may... and I hate it when I'm not in control. Help me out man.

Fender43

I am 27, she just turned 29, shes a single mom, she has two kids, lives in an apartment with them (I cant stay over when she has them, per divorce agreement)and weve been together for 7 months. Her family is hardcore christian and she used to be like that too. Since we been together we used to have sex between 3-5 times a day, 4 or 5 days a week.

We havent talked about the future or comittment but her drunk friend told me that she wants a commitment. Last monday she told me that she feels like shes going to hell if she keeps having sex, so shes going to stop... nothing else will change according to her, shell still go out have fun drink etc just no sex. I know for a fact that she loves me and feels like shes inputting more into the relationship than me . Shes fucking withholding sex!

Me im not ready to engage or anything, but maybe in the future, in a year from now for example. I need some help i need to know what to do as this is totally extraordinary and new and dont know how to deal with this.

Appreciate all your Comments
Raphael

Hey Guys,

My girlfriend and I (we're both 19) have been going out for 5 months but around 2-3 weeks ago she broke down and said she wanted to take a break. Her reasons were the typical stuff like she needs space and that everyone in her life was exhausting her (even me). And that she needs time to think about stuff.

I sort of understood her reasoning because she has been really stressed out lately especially because of her parents and school. However, she still wanted to talk during the break which confused me about what the break was. So we still talked occasionally for a week after but after I talked to her about why she wanted a break and etc. I felt that the talk kind of irritated her, I knew it was best for me to just not talk to her so I suggested we not talk for a while.

But, recently we've been talking again because she always initiates first and went to go watch a movie after her finals. I tried holding her hand in the car on the way there but she said "(My name) we're not on a date" in a joking way and removed hers from mine. Obviously I felt really bad after she did that. Anyways I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she's unsure of whether or not she wants to be with me or not and is thus keeping be around just in case...Obviously I'd like to get back with her and want advice on achieving that.