Your problem is insecurity. You have issues with fear and jealousy in your relationships.

Severe emotional insecurity is not something that a healthy man should have.

It's not normal for that you turn it into a debilitating fear that consumes you and destroys the relationship.

Fucking ease up Bro, just chill yourself. Your a bantamweight that scored some (in your eyes) Heavyweight tail.

You have a mind set, that you're just not good enough for her.

You don't need therapy. You just need to like yourself. And come to the realization that you don't need someone else to make you complete.

She's NOT SPECIAL. YOU ARE.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

Hey,

Thanks for the post, tbh, the only person that really knows me here is R.C, I don't know if I am a 'bantamweight', I definitely don't think that is the case. Maybe he can share some insight.

However, it is true, I go all in. The girl does not know I am in another country, I am in Toronto, right now, and she is back in Boston, I didn't say bye to her or anything. I just left. Now she is asking to meet up with me, and I make excuses not to, and she proceeds to ask me when I am free. It is fucking with my head, big time. Does she just want sex? I said to her, look, we can talk on the phone if you have something to say, and she said no, in person...

It's as if I want to fuck it up on purpose so she goes away so I can just start from scratch and move forward, so I said, 'do you miss us at all?', she replied, 'Don't push your luck, I'm coming over', I said, 'you talk as if it's a privilege I get to hang out with you', she replied ' ' I haven't replied and don't think I will. If she asks to hang out I think I might say, can't, sorry. Enjoy your night.

A big part of me wants to write her a letter, to completely reverse the situation, I know me typing that had all of you like 'wtf.. no', but if I write her a letter saying I have left, that she told me I lost her a week ago and before that asked for space, these are signs I can't ignore and I need to work on myself, so I respect what you are trying to get across to me, I just have been too persistent and made things harder for you and I'.

Block and delete after. I don't know, what do you think. I do still want her to think I am alpha.

Skinny, you're struggling with these women for a variety of reasons:

1. You're continually looking to them for answers/confirmation that things are working favorably. Rather than continuing the work on yourself of becoming a 'better' man (hint: this has nothing to do with others' approval of you).

[list]"All I know is, I feel depressed, but I don't know if it is because DEEP DOWN I am a depressive, or it's because of a girl. If I think hard about it, I think these girls are a distraction for me, that I want to lose myself in them, or seek external validation."[/list]

So you are aware of this on some level. You're seeking answers from with-out rather than from within.

My question to you, in a very practical sense how would you go about changing/breaking this pattern/feedback loop?

You know the problem, but you can't clearly see the path forward. Insight is helpful, but in-and-of-itself insight means very little without action. You've got half the equation down, get the other half right and things will start happening.

[list]"The point, this girl isn't my ex, they aren't the same" [/list]

They aren't the same but the pattern in your behavior has carried on, just with another person. You can see how it'll continue to plague you until you fill the 'holes' internally. That said it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship at this point (if your idiosyncrasies don't manage to scare a girl off) and do the work at the same time.

2. You have no concept of the motions, or sequences if-you-will of how to build a healthy relationship. You can get a visual representation of the "Sound Relationship House" here https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound- ... d-of-away/.

So once again you working on yourself is contingent on whether she (or any girl) accepts you or not.

There's no decisiveness to you SPAM. You're like a leaf at the mercy of the wind landing wherever you happen to land. But unlike the leaf you're posing a lot of resistance so when you 'land' you feel anxious af about where you might end up next. There's no sense of control in how you live your life. There is no accountability.

Until you start making some decisions FOR YOU (on what you'll accept and what you won't), you'll be forever destined to live being thrown all over the place, told what to do, and wondering 'what shitty thing will happen to me next?"

Ok N2thevoid, I know I have to work on these things myself. You say I have half of the equation down. I need to seek the answers from within. So how do I go about changing this break up pattern and feedback loop? I don't know what actions I have to take. I am guessing I should take therapy? I dont know what to do, can you just point out the best path for me.

Are you saying I should go on that website and get counselling through them?

You can start meditating. What that'll do is slow down your reactivity. In more sciencey terms it'll give you a larger space between when the limbic part of your brain activates and the time it takes for your prefrontal & neocortex gets 'hijacked'. When that happens your judgment and weighing of situations goes out the window and you're simply a reacting machine, rather than responding to situations and having some sense of control over yourself.

You can search youtube look up guided mindfulness meditations find one that appeals to you, a short one at first (5 minutes) as you wont be able to sit in stillness for probably much more than a few seconds or minutes at this point. Gradually move up to the longer meditations.

Do this everyday at least 2x once in the morning when u wake, once before bed.

Track over the next weeks how you're feeling.


Honestly that's my best piece of advice for you, the closest thing to a panacea. It takes work but the effort is worth it and results life changing.

Do you recommend Headspace?


Should this be over with her, she is messaging me and asking to meet up with me.

Try it see if it jibes with you.

Calm.com is a good app as is the Mindfulness app both available for free on android or iphone.


Not in the business of giving advice, you're going to do what you're going to do. Each moment therein-lies an opportunity to take control of your life, or continue on down the same path. Your decision.

I am going to write a letter, not professing my love, just telling her, goodbye.

I leave home tomorrow.

Its gonna be some sideways apology and attempt to get her to remember "better times", with an inside joke or 2 sprinkled in. Then when she doesnt respond you'll ask how could she be so cold? Did I really hurt her?

Same story as last time

Its like you take the advice to research XY or Z, but will continue to write letters, check snapchats, hope she will message you..

Its one chick.

It's not at all. It's a letter telling her I accept that this is over, that when she came over to my house and said goodbye, I should have treated it with more seriousness.

Skinny...here's the truth of the situation that you're obsessing over.

Girl has bf...she fucks around on bf...she meets you...fucks you...decides I should leave this relationship...uses you as a monkey branch to get out of the relationship and ease the landing with no plan of a relationship after (come on did u think a chick wants to go from a 2 year to not being single)...finds something to dump you over so her guilt is gone...now she's single she wants to fuck some guys for a while...may still like you and fuck you but she's not looking to be tied down. You're obsessed over a story that hits a lot of guys and while you're racking your brain on whether there's a chance there isn't. She wants to be single. Respect that and move on. She doesn't care what you have to say...trust me this chick is focused on dick right now. You were a lifeboat to get her to other dicks. It happens. Sometimes you're the guy who actually thought it was gonna be serious and other times you're the guy laughing with her about the guy who got used in the middle and who's still texting her. As much as you stress yourself over these women...man they really don't care

Pointless.

You didn't learn the last time.

Do it you'll push her away and at least there'll be closure to this one. You'll just wash, rinse, and repeat for the next one that comes along.

This threads going to be locked soon, like his previous ones.

So theres nothing i can say, and saying nothing does anything to?

I was going to write it to her before I boarded the plane. Turn off my phone, and that was goodbye. Look, the last thing that happened to me was her calling me to ask if she wanted to see me, I said I cant, she then got mad at me, and said, 'what am i doing, you know what, fuck this', she hasn't signed in on SPAM since and maybe even deleted the app... I want to say something?

Tell her im leaving or something?

Just fucking ghost already.

_________________
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.