This

Had a feeling there was some bullying in there but didnt want to jump to conclusions. Do you know that if she walked away forever, she could tell people you were an emotionally abusive bf and could quote your exact words as evidence? Phrases like bitch or braindead idiot or you're a failure should never be thrown around in a relationship...heck you say those words to someone expect a full out fight. I've yet to see anything that this girl has really done and you keep alluding to the part she played in this. Your words would hurt any woman. What has she done to hurt you? Messiness? No. Saying you criticize her? No. Was she verbally abusive as well?

I can't read all of this, I just can't. Well that's bs, I just don't want to its a lot, and seeing the OP go through this its a bit agonizing to witness tbh.

The oscillating between blaming her and blaming himself, and yes at some level it hits close to home. I've been there, more times than I care to remember.

If you sift through all the gobbledegook, Op, it looks like you have strong codependent tendencies. In other words, you're trying to control situations outside of yourself and that extends to your partner. Wanting somebody to BE a certain way isn't love, it's ego attachment.

Ego attachment is often confused for love. Love, real love has no opposite. Ego attachment oscillates between fear and the delusion of love; this isn't to be confused as a love relationship, though. The externalizing (judging, diagnosing, evaluating her) is a reflection of a lack of self-acceptance. A lot can be learned through this experience, and you can grow into a more conscious person from it as well, so nothing's truly lost although it feels to the contrary right now.


Right now the codependency continues. You want her to be reliant on you, to some extent and that threatens her personal autonomy, it also disables her and disempowers her immensely. Again, this is about controlling things outside of yourself, and can be construed as manipulative. You are still trying to 'fix', and FIXING, in this case as in many means CONTROLLING. It is time to let things just be. It is time to show compassion to her and respect her right to FIX herself, without you intervening. What you can do is love her from afar, you've taken this role of coach to new levels and I can see why she wants her space and her freedom back, she wants to be able to be her own coach, to lean on herself and stop depending on the outside world, you included, to deny her of that experience and ability to trust herself.

How can one trust them selves if they're continually looking with-out, rather than with-in? If your ability to sit within yourself and trust your experience is gone, how can you trust the world around you, including yourself?

Your best chance is to let-go. That means learning how to sit with uncertainty in an uncertain world. It is insane to try to control things in a chaotic world which is full of unpredictability.

The only thing you have control over is yourself, but even so there are some limitations to that (e.g., health issues, the circumstances you're born into, culture expectations and roles etc).

Fair enough. What do I say when we part today to leave the best possible impression plus plant the seed and make her think about me?

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You're not getting it, clearly.

Still trying to fix.

You are right, there wasn't a whole lot to be fixed. I am just going to start fresh. Give her her space and then get her back. Call me a hopeless romantic but isn't a game about finding the real love? Once you found her and won the game but you let it slip - isn't it normal to try to get it back? It didn't work for a reason and those reasons are obvious now. Let the game begin

The fixing behaviour (I'm Canadian, I spell it this way, Deal with it!) will keep you attached, and make the process of moving on tedious and all but possible.

A better question to ask yourself is "Why do I feel a need to FIX the relationships I am in?"

Once you get to the bottom of this, u'll find your salvation and breath easier. Beyond that your relationships will be less stressful and you'll be able to enjoy them and be present throughout, both with yourself and your partner.


On another note "Once you found her and won the game but you let it slip" - "won"? "game"? "YOU let it slip"? It's to no wonder you're stressed-out, and unconscious. Relationships aren't games to be won, nor are partners. That is all the stuff of ego, and mind. There is no presence in mind, presence rests in the areas of 'no mind', that is being in-the-moment (a space where ego can't exist). In addition you've bestowed all responsibility on yourself, which isn't all that surprising seeing as you believe its your undertaking to fix.

There's nothing to fix! That's the reality. But when you're consumed in the pursuit of controlling things you're operating purely out of ego, and for the ego to exist there has to be some sort of resistance. And this is what you're doing, resisting to let go! The only way through this is with-in, not with-out (outside of yourself) - focusing on the whit-out will only lead you further astray (your ego will lie to you like a little sociopath) and before long u'll be here weeks, or even months from now making posts on wooing her back and in the process losing yourself further.

This is like a doctor giving up on a cancer patient. Isn't anything possible if you put your head and mind to it? Isn't playing a game about situations like this? I see where you are coming from - it's the easier and more humane way out. However that's not what I want to do. Do you have any advice on how to, at least, achieve that? Why are you so convinced she's all gone and there's nothing to fight for. She may very well realised this is a fuck up on her part and sort her head out. All I am asking is a simple advice on how to help her make the right decision. It's not over (as gay as it may sounds)

It's really difficult to see that were you guys are coming from is correct. I feel like a fool, I've taken all the responsibility, made myself desperate and needy. I remember turning girls down because I didn't think they were hot enough and now I am lonely, devastated with very few ideas on what is wrong with me to have been let go.

Of course it is, I'll hazard a guess in assuming you've always been this way, only now you're starting to become more aware of it (which is a good thing because then you can make the decision to do something about it).

I am getting my hair styled tomorrow, going to get my teeth whitened on monday and I am going to intensify my gym workouts to get into even better shape. I signed up to tinder and I must say it feels strange. I can't get the break up out of my head but life goes on. I will get through it and if she comes back or not - I have plenty of life ahead of me. Tough times don't last - tough people do.

Why not be alone for a bit? Is jumping into something else really the way to help yourself? It sounds as though you're trying in futility to connect to yourself through women, it doesn't work that way. You and only you can connect to yourself, there is no YOU if YOU is predicated on being in a relationship and feeling desired/of value to someone. Do you value yourself, is what I'd be looking at.


On this note I would really like to thank you for your advice and I hope you understand that because its the first tie I am in this situation I have no idea what to do. I am slowly realising that what you said is true - I am the only person capable of making myself happy. I need to fix my own head as I've let it go crazy. I've lost my way, I've lost myself.

I will come back stronger and I will enjoy my life. If she comes back I might consider meeting up for a coffee but I would like to think I've decided to accept things for the way they are.

Just one last piece of advice I will ask of you - I am still her coach, I am one of the best in the country at what I do and working with her is credit to my career. How do I maintain that part?

I strongly urge you to cut all contact with her, no compromises on this if you want to heal and get better. That means no longer being her coach and at least for the time being blocking her out and doing your best to avoid places you may run into her that may trigger you.

Thanks guys, this forum is exactly what I remember it to be - a community where wisdom and experience guide those in need.

She's going away to some tournaments in 2 weeks time, I'll talk to her other coach and arrange her coaching to be done individually in the gym without me. I owe her nothing and she should be begging me to keep her on. I owe her nothing.