His entire focus is on her, and controlling things outside of himself. The definition of co-dependency. This is how abusive relationships happen and underscores that with this type of thinking how difficult it is to get out. He's put her needs above his own because he'll do anything to maintain the attachment even if it means going against his own values; such is the way it is with people who remain in these terribly violent situations.

It's sad, but I do think at some point he'll pull himself together and move on though he's not near that point SPAM. He'll have to endure a lot more suffering first.

Even when I try and do the right thing, its still not good apparently. What the fuck, I left and walked away. What the fuck am I doing wrong here, I fucking left. I dont want to talk to her right now, I am trying to hang out with other girls and arrange things. Why are you guys always saying im fucking wrong here.

What can you see that i cant?

You keep her in the picture even when you say you've left and walked away.

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She hits you, bites you, talks to you like shit.... You say that you dont want to talk to her RIGHT NOW; sorry but that sounds like you're gonna talk to her at some point. You dont sound like its final, and the last time you said it was done it was a month ago. If an alcoholic had said he quit multiple times, and always went back to the booze, then he said "I'm quitting, I'm not gonna drink right now" would you believe him? You have this habit of acting like everyone should have faith in you not being a troll, being a deep down confident guy, and actually leaving this girl. Sorry man, but you're doing the same thing as in page 1, worrying about what she thinks.

In a few days you'll say "she contacted me on fb. Blamed the whole thing on me. Called me a retard. The nerve of her...acting like she did nothing wrong. Both of us made mistakes. She's busy with school now so we cant talk much. Questions, do you think she's right? I just want her to respect me. How can she treat me like this? Why is she even with me? Ive been so sad these past 2 days..she's just fine and been going to parties. How can she be so cold? Do you think my words really did hurt her that much?"

Brother, imagine if me and you were sitting down at a table. And I brought out poison on the table in a jar. If you smelled it or touched it you'd die. I guarantee you, you'd run from it. That's what this girl is.

She's making you forget who you are. You're a man. Act like one. She's taking the power over you and you've lost your dignity. I don't say this usually but you have to break up with her. Leave before your left. And you'll... feel great. You'll save money, emotional stress and can work on yourself. Please, love yourself, don't let anyone come between the most important relationship you have. The one with yourself. Read Nathaniel Branden "The 6 pillars of self esteem".

Staying with her is weakening you. Assert yourself, them work on yourself then go back into the field. If you need to talk to someone, I'll be here. Much love.

She's not making him do anything. He's willingly keeping himself in the situation. He's doing it all to himself.

Its crucial to frame it this way as 1) this is the reality of the situation, and 2) it brings accountability back to himself and that's the ONLY way he'll get out of the situation (whether its with this situation or another girl; and yes this can perpetuate with other partners down the line, so I'm hoping he does the work now so he can make more conscious decisions for the future and live life with greater ease).

He'll grow through this, he's still in the throes of things but that will change as he'll get swallowed up in the abyss of emptiness that's inside of him. He'll come out the other end, and that's his journey only he can take.


This guy is in a world of misery, the sooner he embrace the scary feelings the faster he'll move forward. And I wouldn't be surprised if a year or so from now he's back on here giving advice to others from this experience. Through all the pain there's a lot of growth to be had.

What N2 is saying here is important - THE OP is the one keeping himself in this situation. Not her! THE OP is the one responsible for his happiness. NOT her! Until he becomes willing to take responsibility for his own happiness, it will be difficult for him to move on.

I write this, basically saying, you were all right. If there was a word for worse than rock bottom, I am there. I looked at myself in the mirror today and realize how much weight I have lost, how terrible I looked.

To cut to the point, I got so insecure, by the way I was being treated, or who knows, maybe its just who I am. I was messaging her friends who liked me, but in the end, all told her I was messaging them. I would ask what she was up to, or what she was doing, or even if there was another guy.
They told her. Everything. She called me crying, I felt pretty bad, its as if every awful thing she did suddenly got erased. She said ‘this kills me to do, but this relationship is unhealthy, this cant go anymore. You have been messaging my friends about me, who does that, that is psycho, and you need help. After I hang up, we are done’. I tried to say something, but I coudlnt, she hung up. I have some stuff of hers, I asked if I could drive up to give her her stuff in person so we could say a goodbye in person, she didn’t reply.
She told me that she will never trust me again, and I never trusted her. It was hard to hear, and ive been shaking since, I don’t think its even sunk in yet.

Just please tell me the next, hardest steps of my life, all the tools to become a better man, to never let this happen again, to find better. Was this all my fault? Do I need help? Was she right about everything?

Im scared for myself, she has all the friends and community to move on and become better, and here I am alone doing fuck all barely eating.

So reach out and form connections. You're doing this to yourself.

Might be easy to just say this.. BUT. Move the fuck out of that place. Start looking for other opportunities. Other scholarships. When is the Masters finishing?

As soon as this happens it will be much easier to leave everything behind. It will help you start new when you are engaged in moving in to a new accommodation, new school / job, new city, new people and heal 5 x faster when you are physically away from her and that social circle. Your social circle is probably non existent because you let her control you and eliminate it. You will not be leaving anything behind.

When the next relationship happens, be ready with a mentality which will have the following traits:

1) No one is irreplaceable. If you are not feeling happy then you can and are able to move on.
2) Clear list in your head with what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.
3) If your gut is telling you something, if it doesn't feel right then trust it.
4) Better to finish early a bad situation and save time instead of dragging it. Cut your loses short.
5) Now if the dynamic of the relationship is in your side. The girl wants you much more than you do but you do not feel the same about her and she does not fulfill you, then do her a favour and end it earlier than later.

I can understand you are very addicted and caught up in this cycle. As I said, for this time better move away for your sake. It will be a solution to healing "the symptom" of the disease. I know you are able to see that you have this addiction pattern. However you cannot be always using "running away" as an absolute solution. Here comes the necessity for a new mental pattern and change of life conditions to suppress the addiction. The "disease".

Healthy habits, healthy positive people in your social circle. Healthy thinking. Positive thinking. When you are in a healthy environment, it is much more difficult to get addicted to anything. Drugs, alcohol, women.

"She was not right about everything". She is also fucked up. A controlling, manipulating, insecure, immature human being who is able to do as much as someone allows her to do. Find someone emotionally healthy when you are healthy yourself.

I see and you can see too that lots of people in this forum tried to help you as much as they could. They put in hours reading and writing responses here. I was really hesitant to write on this thread again or respond to your messages cause you couldn't help your self and ignored everything. I said this dude, doesn't want to change. So this is my last post on this thread if you choose to keep running in this hamster wheel. And I like to keep my word.

All the best.

Thanks for the post. I cannot pack up and leave. I could go back home (where every memory reminds me of her and her house is 5 minutes away, and she is there this summer as I am). Or I stay here and continue to do my masters, play soccer, and also everything reminds me of her.

This is the hardest time of my life. I know deep down is the problem, that something needs to change. I need to fix that, can you help me do that?

Shes fully done with me. Doesnt even reply to me. Blocked me on everything. Viceversa. Doesnt even want to see me for me to drop off her stuff, wants me to mail it. I cant believe it came to it.

I dont know if she is just a shitty person, or this just all happened because I was too weak and let it happen. Im starting to think this is all my fault.

I'm actually happy for you. You can get yourself together and learn from this experience if you choose to.

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Jeez man, you whine when you're with her, you whine when she's gone. That may be harsh but after all this, her htting you, biting you, insulting you, treating you like shit...you're asking yourself if she is a shitty person. Yes. She is. And yes you're weak. You should actually be happy as Jack said, but you're moaning over this fucked up girl? She is shit. Less than shit. Move on.

Keep fucking yourself over for this shitty person. Stop crying over a vile piece of shit like this girl.

You should be walking like this guy after she blocked you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL8hVXSDmNM

I appreciate all your advice, I do. I want to make sure the next steps I do are correct in 'rebuilding myself'. So please, do pitch in, this is making me a new man now. I feel like I should journal this all in a thread somewhere?

Anyways, the point before I fully let go I am trying to understand is, do you think my needy insecurities pushed her to that place where she treated me horribly. I messaged her friends because I thought she was cheating on me, probably is another guy, but now its all my fault and im the bad guy? I gave her an out and I dont even know the real reason to what the fuck happened in our relationship. This summer we will be 5 minutes down the road from each other and this just sucks because I know I will be bored, and I know I will be thinking about her.

I dont know my next steps in life after college, I dont know where I will want to be or where I will want to go, do you think you can help me find this direction, I need someone here.