That is a very insightful comment. I thought it might have helped her so I shared it. She said "Why is it so hard to make the right decision? It's like something's holding me back". I asked her - if she could have anything right now, what would it be? She responded "To live on a beach with you". Yet she's too afraid to work towards it. The more I try to detach myself from her problem, the more I feel the need to try to help her. How can it be so simple to see (about the parents) but so hard to act on? Is it because the feeling between isn't strong enough? Or is she just stuck in the loop of that and doesn't know any better?

how did you feel like you were being attacked? Her not handling your secret is one thing, but thats different from feeling attacked afterwards. What was going on?

Are mental issues on her side involved?

I think she loves you from how she's gone against her family, and they're messing up your relationship. Have you told her to look into Bosch? Its amazing for these situations

I felt like no matter what I said that I was coming from a bad place, like I was doing something wrong (that was an unresolved issue where the way she was feeling was very similar to how she felt in her first relationship - even though I was coming from a different place). I didn't feel attacked because she mishandled by secret - the way it happened, they were watching a documentary and she burst into tears. Sister added the two and guessed. Maybe the word attacked isn't correct to describe how I felt - it's more like I felt misunderstood and not listened too.

Yes, there is a history of bi-polarity and something else which I don't remember.

I do know she loves me, this is the only thing I am not questioning for some reason. You mean gone against her family at the start of the relationship when they were telling her to be on her own? Because she can't make up her mind right now.

Excuse my lack of knowledge, what/who is Bosch?

Also she's struggling to believe that the family might be actually wrong on this one. It's like she's refusing to believe that they have been motivating her life decisions for so long and she didn't realise. It's like "why would they be telling me to do something that's wrong for me if they're my family?".

Someone once told me - love is easy. I highly doubt it. I've no idea why I can't just walk away. It feels right despite all of it being wrong.

Bosch is a show I was watching on Amazon. The post above I wrote was just bs because you werent answering about the mental issues, so I assumed you'd answer if you heard what you want to hear.

Now, the truth. I didnt really think it was the family shit; your chick has been giving you excuses that keep changing. First incompatibility and you hurt her, then its because she's afraid of being hurt like her ex did, now its the family thats keeping you apart. Days ago it was fear of being hurt that was holding her back, now its her family's support. First reason why thats bs, is you cancelled a trip. Now, if her family never supported you, seems stupid on her part if she goes and tells them something bad about you the day you cancelled a trip. Also, A DAY before she breaks up with you somehow she and her sister are watching a documentary with your secret, and she burst into tears and her sister somehow puts 2 and 2 together related to YOU? Lol. Thats some bs this girl is feeding you.

What was weird to me was the "argument" you 2 had where you said she was being DRAMATIC and she brought up how her friends and family say she's the least dramatic person. Now, that was a lie, as if she's being honest about how her family treats her, I doubt they're telling her she's NOT dramatic. Especially when you said she's highly sensitive. But besides that, it was alarming to me and telling, because its her dodging responsibility during an argument and dismissing how she is behaving in the moment with how people see her. Sounds like she cannot take responsibility and is always making excuses.

Your gf is feeding you some bs man. Youve known this girl for 5 months and she's sweeping you up in her instability. As Eddie told you months ago shes unstable and dont take her seriously and you dodged that advice. I'm not seeing a controlling family, imo her erratic nature, and instability are probably why theyre saying she shouldnt be in a relationship. Your girl has probably done this before, and it prob has to do with her mental issues more than her family controlling her. She doesnt sound like she was ready for a relationship. When a family says "dont date him" that's controlling. When they say "you're not ready for a relationship" thats because their is a history there, and her mental and emotional issues are so severe. You're excusing her issues and instability because you "want to go all the way." You're believing her obvious lies and contradictions. If a chick with bipolar disorder is telling you 5 months in, she wants to live on a beach with you, it sounds great, but she's not in a mature headspace. If you told me she was 16 it would make sense.

You cancelled a trip and she broke up with you. She didnt have to tell her already non supportive family. She didnt have to tell your secret to her sister the day before she broke up and then come back like it's just a coincidence. Now, you can believe her excuses which dont add up (tbh I wont beleive a thing this chick says)or blame the family...but you're coming from a needy headspace. From the moment 2 months in you're trying to up your business for a chick, thats needy. Youve been jumping through her hoops and anything she says you take as gospel.

As Ed said simply months ago:
The family saying you're not ready for a relationship, could be controlling, or it could be they know their bipolar daughter and have gone through this before with her. She has baggage, she ends it over trips being cancelled (keep in mind...all you did was cancel a trip over an issue you said you had...if that gets you broken up with and not understanding then wtf), she lies to you or maybe they're delusions she is having, and then she goes back and forth with hot/cold and over dramatization. You're sucked into a world with an emotionally instable chick whose own parents advised against it, now you're caught between her baggage with her ex and her lack of independence. Do you not see she has ex issues, is telling you things that dont add up and has an excuse for everything? Plus the mental issues? Were her parents wrong when they said she wasnt ready for a relationship?
When you're talking "made for each other" and "we should run to an island" 5 months in, with 3 months of "problems" you're not thinking clearly and neither is she. And thats not "love." Find out more abt your girl's past...Im sure this is what she does. But then again, as I said, she isnt being honest with you.

By mental disorder history I thought you mean in the entire family - she doesn't have any mental issues herself. This is a lot to take on. Do you think there's more to it? When you say find out more about her past - what have you on your mind exactly?

I am beginning to panic that I might have missed all those signs. Is it just in every man's nature to be so trusting and falling for a girl unconditionally?

Family are saying "this is wrong for you" and that she needs to be on her own. They also said that life isn't all about love but security as well.

What is my course of action here? She's going to see a psychologist this week.

Also, now that she is realising all those things about her relationship with her family (her mom in particular), she turns around and says she doesn't want to become emotionally dependent on me.

How were you mean to her? Examples of situations

What did her ex do to her and what was his job? No vagueness, specifics

Couple of examples:

- She went away to visit her friend for the weekend. She said she'd be back early to hang out and then changed to evening. I text her saying our relationship wasn't fun. Idiotic by me but I was disappointed and was missing her.

- It was her birthday. We went for dinner, got back to her apartment but her best friend was in town. She wanted to go see her (it was after midnight) I said I didn't want to go because I was tired. She said you decide, I said I want to stay. I said if she wants to go I'll drop her in but I'll go home (I was genuinely tired after a 6 days at work and it was Saturday).

- She was out with her friends one night and text me saying I should come out because her friend wanted to see me. I read that as the only reason she asked me to come out was because of her friends.

I genuinely don't remember any other situations. She said I was making her feel small and irrelevant and like she couldn't be herself around me. Once those situations took place - we discussed them and resolved them and they never took place again. Some of them were genuine misunderstandings.


Her first ex was a manipulative guy, they were together for 7 years. He didn't care about her, said that to her face, manipulated her into doing things for her. He'd call her and tell her to make dinner and if she didn't he'd be upset. If she went out he'd give her shit the next day telling her how bad she is for not staying with him in the apartment. He didn't respect her parents. He lied to get on multiple occasions which she found out about. They split up, then got back together and he made her feel bad about her kissing two people during that time just to then cheat on her. He would guilt her into sex if she went out and he was pissed off about it the next day. He works in finance I think, I never asked but I am going to if relevant. Her parents didn't approve of him.

When she broke up with him, she got into a rebound relationship with a guy who she met on the first or second night out. Another weird guy. Had plenty of issues. Was okay with her having kissed somebody once. Kept on getting drunk and embarrassing in front of her friends and parents. He was a car mechanic and his dad owns a garage I think. He tried to kick her once. While having sex with her he said "this is amazing, I should get your number" even though they were together. He called her using his ex's name once. Lied multiple times. As a last ditch attempt he proposed to her, skipping her dad and not asking for permission, which she never said yes to (to his face) but he told some friends - the moment they got back from the trip she moved out and broke up with him.

Not idiotic, needy.
This was not your fault or you being mean.
Neediness and insecurity
2/3 arent genuine misunderstandings. They're you being a needy, insecure guy. You need to own it and accept you're needy, figure out why, and work on it.
Do you see how these are bad dating/relationship decisions? If this were your daughter would you think she could have a healthy relationship? She still isnt in a healthy one...you're very insecure, needy and over invested. She's erratic, immature and dramatic. Keep the examples of the last 2 ex's and imagine if the next guy came here and said "her 3rd bf owned his own business. Was so insecure he'd assume she only wanted him to come hang out because of her friends. He got sad when she left for a weekend and was coming back later. She tried to end it once and he wont let her. Went through XYZ trauma when younger." This chick isnt good at picking relationships. Also, if security is the issue with the family, they met the car mechanic guy. Didnt approve of the finance guy, but they met the mechanic. It sounds more like her bad decisions vs "security" are the issue. If she dated one jerk for 7 years, another weird guy for I dont know how long, and now you, who is upset when she comes back in the afternoon vs the morning, and isnt confident in his salary or whether she wants him to come out or not....do you think maybe she should be alone?

To your questions, her saying she doenst want to be emotionally dependent on you, is prob a sign she's withdraw further. You'll blow up, get mad and continue the cycle of "disagreements." You have to value yourself and be confident in yourself. You're trying to hold on way too much to make this work as opposed to holding her to your standards. When you first divulged your secret, if you were valuing yourself, you'd have looked at how she handled it and addressed it there. If you felt she wasn't providing what a gf should, it should be addressed there. Same thing with the bs excuses she gives with how she accidentally told her sister. It cant be about security if they at least met the car mechanic. Your chick is prob going right back and saying all those "disagreements" you had and the family, because if her family was seeing that she was in a healthy relationship, they prob wouldve met you. Same way your secret "accidentally" came out.

You gotta question what kind of chick would stay in these relationships, one for 7 years and the other to the point where they lived together. Maybe both of you arent ready for a relationship, and you'll end up being just another one of those guys. If this is to be salvaged, it'll come from you not trying to salvage it, but valuing yourself and holding to what you expect/deserve, and her truly being ready for a healthy adult relationship.

Thank you neo, I am so done with this. Literally getting a call before sleep last night saying she spoke to her friends and how unfair it is of her parents to get in the way, to a call this morning saying she loves me but doesn't see us together because I don't make her happy - after spending last 2 nights together and her chasing after me the moment I left. I have no clue what is going on anymore but she has a lot of issues and she's refusing to accept the. Every time I say I've issues to work on and she has issues to work on she flips and says she didn't have any issues before we met. Even though those issues weren't created by me and were there beforehand she just clearly wasn't aware of them.

I have no problem attracting women, before this relationship I slept with plenty of girls but I didn't enjoy it as much. I think I am the kind of guy who genuinely wants a relationship where I get to care about somebody and they care about me too. Where am I getting it wrong that whenever I get into a relationship issues come up and my partner isn't willing to work on them, despite saying we love each other it doesn't work out for one or another reason. I am aware of my insecurities, I have spoken about them with my friends and parents and I understand where they came from. Neediness - I think I am afraid of being alone and not finding the right girl for me.

At least I am beginning to realise this is probably not her.

You're willing to be in a mediocre relationship instead of no relationship. That's ultimately where you wrong because that's how you sacrifice standards.
When your partner isn't earning their keep, the reason why is irrelevant. And the moment you start putting more effort into their fixing the issue than they are is the moment you throw your worth out the window.

_________________
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My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Thank you. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and I am realising the only reason she's so special is because I am making her out to be in my head. What is weird, she keeps on texting me and ringing. I am maintaining status quo as I haven't fully decided what and if I want to have anything to do with her.

To begin with, no matter how hurt and scared to get hurt again she might have been, I treated her kindly and didn't do anything malicious which doesn't in any way make it okay to dump me over the phone (unless neediness warrants it). Neither does being hot and cold, saying she loves me and wants to be together to change her mind 20 min later. Telling me I don't make her happy - aren't we supposed to be happy with ourselves first and not rely on somebody else to give us just that?

As much as it pains me to have to admit, I might have made a mistake and only saw the good qualities and ignored the bad ones. My emotions towards her are still strong and she is messaging me a good bit and rang me before going to sleep. I said I held nothing against and feel like nothing major happened between us but she took it to a whole new, extreme level, but I do feel like communicating how I am bother by the manner in which she dumped me and then went about things. Or should I just not bother at all?

This is a SPAM conversation from earlier today:

Her: "I was really hurt from my past relationship and I never dealt with it properly. Wounds were opened up and I started to feel like I did before and I will never do that to myself again. My parents can see I need time I see I need time to work on these that is why they are saying and I am saying I need to be alone to work on it. I dont stick up for myself because of all of it and I need to become stronger."

Me: "Yeah, you're 100% right."

Her: "Its not fun admitting someone has messed you up and that I wasnt stronger at the time but because I am sensitive and trustworthy someone walked all over that.
But I didnt know all of this whats concerning me is how big it seems and how more things are coming up.
did know"

She's asking me about my day etc and telling me about hers.I feel bad for her but I feel hurt and upset with the actions she took towards me. Is this girl really emotionally unstable?

She broke up with you days ago. Walk away. Delete and block.

That's not weird, it's entirely common. She's making the breakup easier on herself by still getting attention, validation, and a feeling that she still has you wrapped.
Entirely true. Also OP, fear of getting hurt is bullshit. Learning from past, bad experiences is one thing, but letting the past dictate your present is entirely different. And stupid.
She is using you as an emotional crutch. And you're letting her.
Ofcourse she's fucking emotionally unstable. Look at that conversation. Her "being hurt" is a direct result of poor choices. Just like you feeling hurt right now is a result of poor choices.
You'll keep talking to her over text and calls until you suddenly see her with another guy, and then you'll gauge your eyes out and blame her for hurting you even more.
And that's bullshit. Because it's just another result of your poor choice to continue contact with her.

Like neo said, delete and block.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.