n2thevoid

You are right. I think my frame is just so frustrated at the moment and wanting her to be punished for dissing me. Putting the ball in her court definetly made me look week, and shrugging her off and phasing her out is just being a fuck you back at her.

She snap chatted me this morning saying "I wish you wouldn't push me away" and text me throughout the night saying she cant sleep, all i ignored.

She just messaged me saying "Theres only so much I can try, i dont know what else to do, but your not interested obviously in anything, if i dont hear from you by tomorrow morning, i will assume you have moved on" - This makes me want to message after this time now.... just out of principle.

I'm just confused, can i save this? I'm at work now so dont really want to message her now, tonight I think i may call her late, she always misses me at night and i think it may be easier. I was thinking about just chatting positively, how she feels, and not going to be too forward on suggesting anything. If she does see me as a friend now because of all the texts, which all i respond to if i read them is ha, lol, nice, good.

I'm sure she's serious in her warning. Up to you, continue ignoring her and see what happens or well, you know what i m already going to say.

n2thevoid

I took your advice and put it all out there. She wouldn't talk on the phone because she said she would cry too much, and shes a very playful person, so i snap chatted her the story of our relationship, mixed in with the lion king, adding emotions, story, laughter, happiness, sadness, good times, hard times, past times, and future times.

It was quite cute and a bit "gay" (no offence to homosexuals, thats the only word i could think of that fits) of me to do. But I think it worked, and it just put it out there, I said how i forgot that for her distance is hard, and how i always come back, and that every relationship is hard, but you are reminded by the good times, we are good together etc...

It was just like a story of 80 odd snaps of fb pictures, pictures online etc....

I'm not ignoring her anymore. She said she is thinking about it and says she loves me.

PS in the story i was Simba and alpha as fuck.

She is still going on about, cant you ever just be friends with me if it doesnt work out? I feel as though shes more interested in being friends, or not losing me at all. I am probably her best friend, probably because of the long distance how she texts me all day every day. Friends is not really an option for me. Any idea what to do with this?

Thanks

At least you put it all out their and let her know, I agree the freeze out would have only pushed her away. If she really only does want to be friends and your not comfortable with that then you need to tell her. If it comes up again tell her you are only interested romantically in her and you can't move back in your relationship, at least not from your perspective and be willing to stick to it. Again though I wouldn't bring it up unless she did.

This is really good, in fact its gold. Why? You empathized with her and that's likely what she'd needed. Rather than point fingers you stood in her shoes and spoke to her experience. Even if things end up not working out with this woman this is an excellent experience learned. When you empathize with people, you meet an inherent need within them - a lot of people go through this world without feeling understood by others. As a clinical counsellor, I get clients who develop feelings simply because I am listening to their experience. It's honestly a very appealing quality and one that resonates deeply with everyone.

At this point I wouldn't put much stock into her "can't you be friends with me if this doesn't work out?" because it hasn't happened and may never happen. I'd continue empathizing with her it'll go a long way, but ultimately you two will have to decide on a path whether you can continue on one together and evolve as partners or amicably go your own way. And ya, you two are quite attached to each other, so she doesn't want to lose you and likely you feel the same way.

I'd drop the whole concern about being "alpha" or "beta", it won't help you at all. Be authentic. Also dial down the volume on WHAT she's saying to you and look at her behavior, the overall picture of what she's 'telling' you - you'll get a lot closer to what her needs may be, even if she's not even aware of what they are.

I think it worked to get her back on side, but since she has messaged saying that if we could have split up this week end and just been friends she would have taken that.

She then said can you really not be friends with me if we are split up?

All she seems to be doing is trying to major friend zone me. It makes me cringe. I don't want to be her fucking friend. I want to fuck the shit out of her. Last night she was going on about how bored she finds college and has nothing to do, it was though i was her fucking councellor.

Anyway when she says that i just joke or shrug it off and went to bed.

Made a joke about sex earlier, she didn'tt reply.

It's as though I need to work on the attraction again....

I called her babe and she said she was cold so i said it's a shame i cant warm her up. She messaged back saying please stop being all loving. It's as though she doesnt want any of that, and said she thinks she needs some space but still wants to be able to talk to me.

I said I'l give you some space and not contact you, should i just ignore her now? she knows how i feels and shes trying to just be friends with me? I got no clue on the next move, thanks for the advice so far though its working.

thanks

Taking her out of the equation for a sec, what is it that YOU need? What does space look like to you? Rather than deffering to her for all the decisions as to where this relationship is going, maybe this is a great time to bring some control back to yourself.

This doesn't mean ignoring her, it just means figuring out what it is that you need now and being responsive to that need. You CAN do this while being respectful to yourself and her. I think maybe you have a need for CLARITY and well as some SECURITY/REASSURANCE that this is worth investing in further, for example. Identifying how you can have these 2 needs met, and how it may or may not involve her at all.

Don't be rude, don't ignore, just get in touch with YOUR own needs and be honest with her about it. So, for example, if you need some time to yourself and do not want to continue on with all these questions marks about where you stand with her, than let her know (without making any threats) that way she won't be guessing why you're acting a certain way.

Even if things don't pan out the way you want them to, at least you can hold your head high in knowing you were authentic with yourself (and her) in how you dealt with the situation.

The last time we spoke was yesterday when she said she needs some time. Are you saying maybe I should still message her but state what I want or how I feel?

As we are long distance I don't really need any time to myself. I mean this week end would be nice to catch up on some work and go to the cinema with my mates. But apart from that I do want to give it another go with her and possibly see her the next week end. Since I have not replied to her after she said she needs some time I thought I would just leave it. I have wanted to message her something funny or to let her know I'm thinking about her as I know she is about me.

But not if she sees it as a friend thing

I'm a bit confused, do you have an example?

Thanks friend.

Find out from her what she wants with the relationship. Things are very unclear, you need clarity.

I see. So even though she said she needs space just give her a message anyway and ask her ? Then just say what I want ? Hmmmm. I don't want to be too pushy tho. Its hard. I feel as though she doesn't know what she wants as I have asked her this before.

Thanks mate

What does "space" look like to her (and you). Does it mean speaking to each other less? not at all? talking but seeing each other less?...you get the idea.

THere's a lot of ambiguity about where the two of you stand in terms of what you two are at the moment, and also what she has in mind when she says she needs space.


As an aside, I think you may be short changing yourself a bit. Bring this back to you, I know you WANT to be with this person right now, but is this your attachment speaking, or do you really want to be with this person (e.g., what qualities does she have that really match-up to what you want in a partner). You don't have to sit here and justify it all to us, just for yourself - it's something for you to really reflect on rather than rush to an immediate answer.

Maybe you need space. Have you ever stated to her what your needs are? If you need something you have to ask for it/give it to yourself. What happens unfortunately is that a lot of partners become silent sufferers not conveying their needs to their partner for fear of 'upsetting' the balance of things (which often times the 'balance of things' isn't bringing them any joy in the relationship anyway - we get complacent, comfortable rather than befriending fear and being with our selves).

What needs do you have that aren't being met at the moment? What if I were to tell you to embrace fear and imagine your partner would hear everything you have to say in a receptive way, removed from judgment. What would you tell this person? You can share it here as you're safe, or just jot it down for yourself to sit with.

I have been thinking about what I want. And although I am attached to her and the distance sucks and I'm not sure on what the future holds.

Right now it is convenient for me to see her as I work all week and although for her its hard because she's not as busy she loves me.

The distance is a pain in the ass, but thinking about how she meets my needs she meets them well. She's loving and caring, she really listens to me aswell, she's fun, she's pretty, great mate for sexual reproduction. Shes into stuff I like.

Iv had girls before that iv held onto, and I know there's plenty more out there but she's a really good package and she's worth travelling to see.

I messaged her last night saying she should go and see a fil m I watched. Then asked her what she's up to she said watching TV and asked if I went with a friend to the cinema. She then said she had been out for a meal and bowling. Of course in was wondering who with but replied with. Oh that's good sounds fun. Then she messaged me saying she was 5th wheeling. So it seems like she wanted me to first think she went out with someone else but then justified it to see if I responded like I cared. Think I played that well for attraction purposes. Then I never said good night just didn't message back yet.

Was thinking of calling her tonight.

After reading a large majority of this I am not surprised she "needs time now" after you "put it all on the line and made her some ridiculous lion king thing?"

Here is my thinking.

She put you to an ultimatum after you froze her out (like you should have for her none interest in you)


She was chasing, chasing, chasing, and then she put you to the test. Like a spoil 2 year old she said "well im going to quit on you if you dont respond to me". Mature much? Not. But...

***This is where you had her dude, and you caved... and she now owns you.


Here is how a REAL alpha male would have handled this situation.

***Oh your putting me to a ultimatum? Ok cool move on then... I am DRIPPING IN BITCHES. I Dont need you, your lack of interest, and immaturity.

If you cant pick up the phone or come speak with me in person about our relationship, your not worth my time (which the way shes acting she isnt...)

Think of it this way. Pretend you are Leo DiCaprio or some super famous movie star. The Ideal Alpha Male.

Would you tolerate her shit of not giving you what you need? Would you tolerate her lack of affection? Her lack of wanting to be with you? HELL NO you wouldn't. Youd freeze that bitch out and literally move on yourself to another hottie throwing herself at you.

This is your problem. You dont have the abundance Leo does. Can you have it? Absolutely. Even in a relationship.

Example: In my relationship for Halloween i dressed up with my GF. We went to a party in the city and I literally had 3-4 girls I never met before stop me and want to take a picture with me....and my GF took the pictures!

Do you think my GF was jealous? No- She was attracted. She saw other women wanting me.

This is what you must do to win your GF back... that is IF YOU EVEN WANT that anymore after reading this.

I hope that helps, sorry for the rant.

Best wishes!

Umm... So maybe I missed something. I agree that communication was a good move. Seems pretty obvious how she feels and why. My question is, it sounds like she told you what was wrong and you nostalgia d her to keep her. She needs more. Do you have a plan to cut the distance? Are you willing to? That's up to you. But the point of communicating was to take some kinda action. Either break up or at least have a plan.

Your entire rant and 'solution' as it were is predicated on the idea that she's showing a lack of interest. Either you didn't read his posts well, or you're simply transferring onto him something that's happened to you in the past. In either situation you're blind.

She isn't displaying a lack of interest in him, at all. Rather, she's struggling dealing with the distance, as likely he is too. A freeze-out is such a silly idea, particularly when the person wants more of their partner's time, rather than less.