I'm returning after some time away. I had a different name and profile then -- but I want to start new:)

I just began reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. And after ten pages, I have **a new relationship game**.

I want your thoughts:)

The book's about how to maintain sex in committed relationships.

The assumption is, that sex goes away in committed relationships.

Instantly I thought, I've never had a problem wanting to have sex with my girlfriends. Not even when things are bad. Is this just a female thing?

She writes as though it's an equal male-female problem -- but everything in the next nine pages confirmed that this problem **MAY BE JUST A FEMALE PROBLEM**. (She's a female writer:)

She describes a duality -- an inner conflict between a need for (1) security/intimacy/connection, and a need for (2) adventure/excitement/sex.

Again I thought, I've never not-wanted sex with my girlfriends. (I've had four good LTRs (long-term relationships, for newbies).)

And then I thought, None of my guys have ever told me they don't want to have sex with their women -- they talk about how they can't have sex with their girlfriends, and how frustrating that is.

So again, maybe this is just a female problem?

I decided it IS just a female problem (we have to make assumptions to go forward with theories:)

So if it's just a female problem -- the conflict between a need for (1) security and a need for (2) adventure/sex -- maybe the new relationship game is ...

TO KNOW WHEN TO PROVIDE **SECURITY**, AND WHEN TO PROVIDE **EXCITEMENT/ADVENTURE/SEX**.

This is fresh on my mind because I'm entering what I hope will be a new LTR..

Examples on when it's time to provide SECURITY:
She's sick
She's busy with visiting friends/family
She's starting a new job
She's tired
She's thinking about something serious

Examples in when it's time to provide EXCITEMENT/ADVENTURE/SEX:
She's flirting
She's frisky
She sends naked pictures
She says something sexy
She gives you a look or touch
She's bored (in general, not just in the moment -- a solution could be, to give ADVENTURE by telling her next Tuesday you have something planned for the both of you (which you do), or by suggesting a big life change for the both of you)

The trick is, to know when to give SECURITY and when to give ADVENTURE.

Don't try to escalate to EXCITEMENT when she's sick or tired. Don't give SECURITY when she flirts. She'll think He just doesn't get me.

I'm sure we've all done this wrong now and then.

Last week she was frisky and sending nude pics. I responded wrong -- I provided SECURITY by just being excited and happy about it, saying "Why am I so lucky tonight?" I should've given ADVENTURE and asked for more and said what I wanted to do with her. (The result of giving SECURITY was, no more nude pics for the eight days since.)

Tonight she's sick, and I responded correct -- with security. But in the past with other girls I've said "If you send a pic you'll feel better, promise;)"

This is not mid-game -- this is relationship game. Imagine two worlds -- SECURITY and EXCITEMENT -- and in any situation, ask yourself, should I give SECURITY or ADVENTURE?

((PS -- the "duality" is not new. It's what causes ASD (anti-slut defense). But it's the reaction to the duality I'm proposing, that's new.))

I've not convinced myself, which is why I'm asking your thoughts:)

There's no duality, its as simple as being tuned-into/hearing another person's needs (and your own).

If someone's excited and flirty, the needs in most instances is stimulation and sex. Naturally trying to meet one's security needs would be misaligned with what they're needing in that moment.

I think the author is obfuscating things, but on another note most people are out-of-touch with their own needs, let alone becoming attune to the needs of others.

It's not a female problem. It's a man problem.

Whenever you get to a point that you "can't have sex with your girl", you can be 110% certain there's very little man left in you.

People have a tendency to become slobs when in committed relationships. Their attractiveness levels significantly drop overtime simply because they get overly comfortable.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

So how would you keep it fun and exciting for 50 years? After a few months the "fun and excitement" makes room for comfort which is why so many relationships eend becaus you or her wants to feel the thrill again of a new lover, LTR in your early 20s to me seems impossible since the temptations are to strong. I feel like girls and guys just wanna fuck around as much as they can untill about their late 20s where its time to settle down.

_________________
Do not make external things like girls define your happiness or you will live a harsh life. Keep doing what you love and keep improving as a man.

By taking it one day at a time.

Fun and exciting is a byproduct of having a greater purpose. You have to have a life outside of your relationship, and most couples do not.

_________________
I know my place. It's me on top of the world.

My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

Truth to this. Can't tell you how many times I've witnessed friends drop off the radar for extended periods of time because their sole focus becomes their relationship.