Hi guys,

I am new here and just wanted to get some advice on current LTR situation.

We have been together for 5 years now and I have to be honest I am totally in love with this girl, by year 3 cracks started to appear in our relationship, I was going through a really rough time with depression and panic attacks and as a result I didn't attend many social events and my self esteem dropped off big time, suddenly she was "having doubts about our relationship" but we remained together and I started to turn things around.

After so much hassle and constant nagging from her I got fed up and finished it, at this point she started to respond and say she couldn't believe it was over, couldn't stop crying, telling me she loves me etc etc.

I took her back and things were okay for a while, then she started to act abit cold and distant again so once again I finished the relationship, this time she said she had made plans for us to go away as a surprise for my birthday and telling me she wanted to be with me.

After this point we got back together and spent the day together where she was really affectionate and we seemed to be patching things up, I felt great again but once again she starts to go cold and doesn't really bother with me.

To give some background this is a girl who was an actual virgin when I met her, she didn't do the club scene and was actually extremely shy, her friends are also married and have only had 1 partner aswell, she might drink about 4 times a year but after a while she started to gain more confidence and found a full time job and is also studying.

It's difficult as sometimes I feel like she really cares and loves me but its just difficult for me to trust her because I have serious trust issues and generally always feel "needy" - we only see each other once a week but I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid or she is seeing someone else.

It appears she is only interested in me when there's some type of break up situation going on but again I'm not sure if this is just me worrying.

I have been working on myself lately, started a blog, closed some new business deals, got a new hair cut and started to workout.

Any advice on what I can do?

Thanks guys.

You need to be fixing you and learning how it feels to really be happy without someone else. Once you figure out what it is to be happy alone you can bring someone else in to enhance your happiness. From what it sounds like, and not to be insulting, you may want to get some counseling.

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Thanks for the advice, I have actually phoned up for therapy to help my issues but I keep thinking I can fix this on my own but if that was the case then it wouldn't be like it is now.

I think perhaps the issue is with me and lack of confidence and general issues getting in the way from stopping me being the person I want to be.

Interesting, I thought the Red Pill ideology has an answer for everything.

Yea bro, all you've really done is painted a vague and stereotypical portrait of a troubled couple, with scarce details for us to go on. That's why they have couples counseling, because it takes a while to get to the heart of all the important details.

But it sounds like at the end of your post there you are on the right track mentally. The only way to improve any situation is to improve yourself first and foremost.

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“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

Thanks for the responses guys.

I am just really unsure about what to do next, I love my girlfriend but I also have alot of issues so sometimes I get confused about things, I am unsure how to proceed and need some help from outsiders to get a better idea.

Basically I have been giving her alot more space and being less needy, less contact with her and generally just trying to get on with my life, I have completed my first session with a therapist, after some distance she messaged me and saying things like "we can't keep going on like this" - I said I think we need to spend some more time together and she was responding well.

I made plans with her and she agreed to them, when I went to arrange the meeting time she said she forgot we had made plans and said she didn't can't afford it until she gets paid, anyways I wanted to go to this restaurant to try it out so I went on my own and ended up talking to a cute barmaid, when I got home I played it cool with her even though I was devastated she didnt turn up.

She was asking things like "so you went on your own?" and I said "I was alone for a while", but again she made no future plans with me, she did say sorry for not coming.

To give some reference I have broken up with her a few times and each time she tries to get back together with me, this time telling me she had booked a surprise holiday for us for my birthday.

I just don't get it guys, she only seems to do anything in our relationship when I dump her, the rest of the time she acts normal but just doesn't seem to make any real effort, I would next her but I really love her but I don't tell her this anymore as I know I said it too much in the past and I think it caused alot of deattraction.

Does anyone have any input into what could be happening here?

Anyone?

what is happening is that she is not being punished for putting no effort into your relationship. essentially she doesn't have to do anything, therefore she doesn't until you break up with her. once you break up with her she acts better until you inevitably take her back, and then she gets comfortable again and the process repeats over and over.

you need to give her the impression that if she does not perform her end of the relationship duties then you can find another woman to do so. you did the right thing by going to the restaurant alone. you should have told her you had a great time and met a really nice barmaid.

she should never, ever know that she has the capacity to hurt you emotionally in any way. never show any sort of weakness around her. do not discuss anxiety or depression with her. i understand it is difficult to withhold this from someone you love, but being a man is not easy and is often lonely. discuss it with your parents or male friends or most importantly a professional therapist. never weaken yourself in front of your woman.

you need to have more mystery to your life. if you are constantly texting and calling her, stop doing so. randomly do not speak to her for a day and then act completely normal and unfazed when she brings it up. if you meet every week at the same time, skip a week. you'll be amazed at what this does to a woman. but you HAVE to keep your cool and not show any sign of doing anything unusual, otherwise she'll know you're just messing with her head.

after some distance she messaged me and saying things like "we can't keep going on like this" - I said I think we need to spend some more time together and she was responding well.

see? the distance brought increased attraction! she missed you! you should not have instantly agreed to spend more time together with her. you should be constantly withholding your full affection and love from her to keep her constantly working to achieve it. this is the secret of relationships i believe. that does not mean never show affection or be a bad person... just withhold full affection and make her work for your approval, which you give every now and then but not always.

if she is being cold to you, you need to be colder to her. you need to always be a little less interested in her than she is in you. that is how you maintain power in a relationship and keep the woman working for the relationship.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Thank you, that was very insightful and what I needed to hear.

I am getting to the frame now where I realize I have been investing too much of my life into her and not focusing enough time on me and my own quest, I feel now much better that I can move on if the relationship is over as I once again have started to make plans and in general recognize that I was in the wrong frame due to depression - what happened was that I was trying to cling onto her because at the time she was the only good thing I had going, after I spent so long talking to her about my problems I noticed that she started to become cold and distant.

During one of these times I had really had enough of her attitude so I didn't care if we broke up, I remained silent, walked her to a location where I usually wait with her but this time I was so annoyed I just walked off and didn't say a word - didn't even look back, after a few days she messaged me and said she did love me.

I didn't mention the waitress but did strongly hint I was not alone all the time without coming out and saying it (which she would of picked up on since I don't usually tell her details of other women) - I've now got to the stage where I have remembered that I'm supposed to have a life and have been focusing on regaining it as well as meeting new people.

What is the best move if she messages me again and complains about not seeing each other?

Thanks for the help

i've been in the same place. sorry that you must go through that.

well this shows she is interested in you so it is a good sign. i would say something like "don't worry babe i'll see you soon" (of course use your own pet names or however you talk to her, don't necessarily call her "babe" if you don't do that normally). comfort her to an extent but at the same time be mysterious ("soon" is vague). then wait a day and set up a date somewhere new and fun. then wait until she texts you missing you again.

once she is constantly texting you or calling you saying she misses you and complaining about not seeing each other enough, then you can be sure she is interested and you can start seeing her a bit more. she should always be wanting to see you more than you want to see her. until this happens, you must remain at the same pace or else slightly reduce it. make her chase you. this is why maintenance is important in relationships. as soon as she gets too comfortable you should change your behavior subtly to avoid being predictable.

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You must be overconfident and cocksure, even if you haven't got a god damn thing in the world going for you. And you must fail with women until you do not fear the possibility of failure, whereupon you will succeed wildly.

Thanks I'll do that.

I think for me the major takeaway is that I really haven't mastered my own life, at times I remember the technique of game but at times I sort of feel like I am just saying them and she can sense this is abit "fake" - instead what I am picking up on lately is that when you actually have a busy life it's not really a big deal if someone cancels on you, now I am starting to understand that maybe this is actually my fault and I need to be doing the things that I can control instead of always worrying about how she is feeling or our relationship status.

In short I feel like I need to remember to live my life again, at the start of our relationship I was a different person because I was going out clubbing, had a business scaling nicely and in general had alot of other options, then some situations happened and I reverted back to betahood.

I am determined this time to make my life an abundant one and that means even if this relationship fails it won't be the end of the world, just another speed bump.

Sadly my girlfriend has broken up with me today but things haven't been good so maybe it's for the best however I still have feelings for this girl and at one point it was a great relationship, any advice for how I get her back (if I decide its worth pursuing)?

Thanks guys.

Go out and meet more women. Have some fun. If she still has interest in you and finds out, she might chase hard. If not, you won't care, you've got other things going on in your life. I know how you feel, but in retrospect I wish someone would have told me CONGRATULATIONS when my ex broke up with me when i was an afc (not insinuating you are an afc).