Update - In case anyone wonders

We went on a 2,5 week vacation together and had an amazing time and she said she had never been happier. Came back about a week ago and yesterday when I came home after work she sat on the couch already crying... about to tell me she wanted a break. She said the doubts she had prior our vacation have been coming back and she doesnt know if there are people better suited for the both of us. I did not expect this at all and was in schock of course. But i remained calm und remembered all the good stuff I read over the past couple of years here. So I stopped her right there, telling her that since there are doubts in her mind again Im going to end it now - after giving her 2 chances (which she begged for to get crying) I told her I wouldnt be able to take it anymore. I told here I still love and care for her but we must split. She said she didnt want to break up but neither did she stop me. The entire conversation didnt last longer than 5 minutes and she left about 10 minutes later - and giving me a quick gut with a kiss on my cheek - picked up by a family member (we have an apartment together). Before she closed the door she said she really loved me. That was it. The only "bad" thing I did was probably asking her when we are going to see eachother again (she said she will call me) - I dont think this made things a lot worse but I should'nt have asked.

I've been in no contact since - havend heard from her either. It has been only one night so far though.


Thoughts and mindset:

Im not really expecting any replies here - I just feel the need to write about this as this seems to give my mind a small brake. After she left I called a friend of mine who lives about 2 hours away and she invited me to spend the night and call her whenever needed (she likes me, so that probably helps - Im not really into her at the moment and I am just looking for a friend) - So i actually got on a train. When I had to switch trains after about an hour I couldnt get on to the next train - it just felt wrong and I wanted to be home again. The whole way sitting on the train I felt strange - out of place. Didnt know how to feel really. Did I want to cry? Was I suppossed to cry? Does crying help? Do guys cry?

When I came back home after wasting about 2,5 hours on trains that night I tried to get some distraction from netflix - I thought a funny sitcom would catch my mind but I actually ended up watching some dawsons creek lol. But it actually helped me a lot more. I also tried to force myself to work a little bit - but never really got far. I know distraction is key right now - but I also need/want to acknowledge that Im hurting right now. I tried to cry - couldn't eventhough my throat hurts like hell. I called another friend of mine and we talked for about an hour - she also told me I can call her whenever I need to - so I do have some support - but they all live far away as I moved into a new city with my now ex-girlfriend. Havent made too many friends as I was focusing on my career and school the last couple of years which paid of nicely - but I lack social support right now - which I knew would be really bad in case it wouldnt work out with my girl. But I'm trying hard - already made plans for tonight - some afterwork bar hopping with a work colleaque.

I know she will text/call me eventually - maybe even be crying. But I have a feeling this is final. Im not sure if I can respond to any calls/text as I dont want to make things worse - but I also want to be cool with it - letting her go and trying to meet women is what Im going to focus on now. But fooling myself into thinking I dont want her back right now hurts even more - so I have to find the balance. We have a lot to discuss as we lived together for about 2 years. That will indeed be difficult - tonight when I get back home Im going to hide all the pictures which remind me of the good times - actually hoping she will wait for me in the living room - which can actually happen but who knows…

I also keep telling myself that my mind itself is making me feel the way that I do and I try to look at my self from an outside perspective - its a quick confidence boost which doesnt last long though.

I guess a diary would be better suited for this? - Oh by the way I'm working on my bachelor thesis which is due in 2 weeks, have two important tests coming up - so perfect timing... score! :/

Sounds like you know its over, as you said this time for good. Time to move on, make sure you keep yourself busy, which doesn't sound like it will be a problem for you with school and all. Don't just sit at home watching tv and drinking, I have been there and it does not help in the least. Stay strong and don't contact her. GOOD LUCK

Actually I do have one question: If she wants to meet and talk (which Im sure will happen soon) - should I refuse to meet up or just say I'm busy and suggest another time? I'm somewhat confused about what the best reaction would be. I'm sure she'd be upset and wondering why I wouldn't want to meet up with her, which is good, but then of course, she could easily run to this new guy to have a shoulder to cry on. He can use that to his advantage. So which apprach would be better?

I know, when it comes to working on myself I should try to avoid her as much as possible, but a bit of hope is still there and helps me along the way