Hey guys. So I'll give you the short story:

We have been together for 3 years then she broke up with me (2 months after my father died). It was pretty okay but i wasnt so cool with it for a long time because i felt like she was "mine" and didn't want to share her. okay half a year later she fucked a good friend of mine and told me that about 2 months ago.
We started dating again in December (about 9 months from our breakup)
We both were very insecure about ourselves but i was willing to try it again seriously in a relationship. I asked her that 1 month later but she said she is too insecure and afraid that she loses her feelings for me suddenly.
then i decided not to touch this subject again and just lived on with he rnormally.
you guys should know that it is as if we were in a relationship, exactly the same, but its not defined as one. i dont know what she would say if i asked her again, but i dont want to ask her again.

okay my problems now are:

i somehow am depressed kinda often... at first because she fucked that other guy. i always had do imagine how they did it and how comes that i have to be in so much pain. when we broke up i visited that friend very often to talk to him about how hard it is without her and so on.

but now i sometimes dont understand why she is acting (for me) strange ways. for example yesterday i went out and i met her (accidentally). so we spent the end of the evening together with our friends. then she asked her friend: shall we leave? and her friend admitted.
some time before that i told her that i was going to leave soon too...
i do not understand why she is just asking her friend if they leave, because we would have to walk the same direction. and we see each other quite infrequent.

another thing would be that i told her 2 weeks ago that i'm going to another big city (5 hours away from ours) to spend my weekend there. then she said cool and so on. but 4 days later she tells me she is going too.
she just says SHE is going too, and doesnt ask me if we go together or so. i mean we go with different goals (meeting different friends and so on) but in a relationship i expect another behaviour. maybe that she asks me if we go do things there or so.

its just that "cold" behavior of her that stresses me. should i speak about it or not? i mean we text one time a day and phone in the evening 90% of the days. but other couples just do more. and i have extremely much time when i work so i have also extremely much time to think about things.


Am i overreacting in those aspects? i mean i know her best, and i know that she isnt doing it with a spirit of mischief. really not. i just would like to see her a little bit more frequently and dunno...

i remember times where i was everything for her and she was everything for me. i'd like to have it that way again. but it isn't that way at the moment. do i just have to get another mindset or what would you guys say?

''Hey guys. So I'll give you the short story:

We have been together for 3 years then she broke up with me (2 months after my father died). It was pretty okay but i wasnt so cool with it for a long time because i felt like she was "mine" and didn't want to share her. okay half a year later she fucked a good friend of mine and told me that about 2 months ago.

We started dating again in December (about 9 months from our breakup)''

She dumped you and fucked a good friend of yours. She is now using you as a gap filler until she finds the next best thing.

She will keep you at arms length with this bullshit about being insecure about her feelings so that in her mind she has justified your future break up. Worst of all, she will use this to justify sleeping around behind your back, which I guarantee 100% she will do.

My advice is this: if you enjoy having sex with her a lot, then detach your heart from this absolute bitch and just sleep with her (and find someone else to have sex with as well). Be prepared for the certain day that she breaks up with you and also you don't need that chump friend of yours in your life either.

You come across very needy and like you are tagging along to her life rather than living your own. For me a relationship is all about two people being on two completely different tracks, but going in the same directions.

Agree with this. To be honest if I was the OP I'd next this chick. She fucked a good friend of his and she knew(was probably hoping) he found out. You can do better man I just think your scared of being single again since you've been with her for so long.

i tried to tell you guys that this girl isnt the same as others in special terms. she always tells me the truth and what she thinks. there is no faking of answers and talking arround. thats why its kinda hard what she says sometimes, but at least i know she's honest.


okay some news. yesterday we somehow got to a point where we discussed our current relationship and we both told each other honestly what we think.

i told her that i'm a little bit distant because i won't commit everything i have to her if she doesn't want the same. but all in all i have feelings for her. and i also told her that i somehow feel like a gapfiller because of the things you guys mentioned too. and i said that i wont keep things like they are if she keeps on saying she's insecure and so on. and that there is only 100% relationship or 0% contact-keeping.

okay her response was that she really likes it the way it is and that she truly has feelings for me too. but she is afraid of, and can think of it, that somewhen in the future she gets too curious about how it is with another man. and she's afraid to be together with me, the same way we were, because if that happens she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
i then started to say okay if its that way i have to break this shit up. but then she remembered me that in the past 3 years i always was the one who kept saying he wants to know how it is fucking another person. (we both were virgins)
and she also has some kind of neurotic thinking. ie, she said: "sometimes i have to think a short moment, and that is really exaggerated expressed, that i make it too easy with myself being with you. and that i'm together with you for reasons of comfort. The following second i instantly know that that is nonesense because of how i always am happy when i think of you and when you send me a text in the evening or we do things..."
that was the negative part. the positive part was, that she says she can't and doesn't want to think about living a life without me...

after that i became annoyed and told her that if she says things like that, i now have to start thinking about breaking up with her and that i'm not a gapfiller and that i wont let her treat me like that.

it was no fight we just had an open talk... in the end we somewhen stopped talking with ease, because everything was said, and we went home where we had an awesome night.



i'm pretty cool with taking it the way it is at the moment. but i think in 1 or 2 weeks there has to be a change or i have to dump her.




ANY MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT?

i mean... assumptions that she's a bitch and so on are wrong. because i know her best in this world. we share big secrets nobody will ever know about our lives. there's enough trust...

but assumptions that she isnt behaving well are definately okay, because if everything was cool i wouldn't ask for advice.

It sounds like you took control...good for you.

What I am reading from this last part is that when you put some pressure on you, she has admitted that she will think about sleeping with other guys. That is not what a real relationship is about. I have no doubt that you guys care for each other, but this will be a very shaky foundation for your future together.

I stick to what I said. Carry on seeing each other if YOU want but distance yourself and see other girls.

I would not wait 1-2 weeks, I believe she has given you all the clues you need to solve this...just walk away, be friends or whatever, but don't put your emotions in the hands of this girl.

Also, she slept with a good friend of yours...no one cool does that. Please do not try and play this down in your mind. I am sure she is a nice girl, but they all are until you get to know them.

i'll take your advice wisely... but some things are just too long to explain here.

the thing with that friend of mine... i try to explain it short:

she knows that guy about 6 years longer than me and those 2 were even closer friends than i was with him. i mean i got to know him through her and somehow our friend-circle was combined.
i also understand that she hated me after we broke up because thats the natural thing that happens after a breakup. also she said she was ultimatively drunk, which shouldnt be a mistake. but i gotta understand that she wouldn t do anything like that sober.

i see this happening as an extreme fail of her but i now am in a mindset like this: i personally have nothing to do with that because we weren't together and its not my problem. we both had another experience and thats good.
she didn't even kiss him or cuddle with him. also she regrets that it affected me in a bad way. she apologized (what she rarely does).

yes... i can live with it now. we don't have to discuss that topic i think...

i admit that there is no good way of being with her if she says she is interested in another experience. but i'm definately not cool with dumping her and going back together with her, ever.
and at the moment my oneitis is too big. i'm not really interested in other girls. while i was single i fucked another girl and KC about 7 girls, also licked one.
all of this meant nothing for me. not even once i had a feeling of joy or being in love...
i have that feeling with her.


i dunno man, what would you say if i keep control and watch how things go, also live my life as i want (meet other girls, go out have fun and so on..) ... maybe she becomes more certain about it. 2 months ago i.e. she told me she doesn't think we could get back together anywhen, just because she didn't think she had enough feelings... i then didn't care and now she says she doesn't want to think about living without me anymore... lol.

but, REALLY believe me in this point... she always is honest. she doesnt say things just to keep me. she is no bitch. thats why i care so much for her i think.

Ive had a similar "first love" experience. To me it sounds like you fell for a promiscuous creature. First things first, if a girl has cheated on you once (or thought about it) it most probably will happen down the line. Another thing I learned, once a girl breaks my trust (aka sleeping with a good friend of mine) it is very hard to go back to the way things were. It just isn't the same.

I would break it now and save myself the trouble of keeping such a torturing relationship from continuing any longer. It will hurt you for some time because of your one itis, but you WILL eventually get over her. You will also develop the power to love YOURSELF above all others which will help you tremendously in future success with women. Like someone mentioned above, don't let this girl take control of your heart because high chances are she will shatter it.

My suggestion is to do this sooner rather than later because she doesn't respect you; especially when she says she needs you for comfort and tells you she doesn't want to hurt you. Sounds to me like shes using you to elevate her status with a "relationship". Often times, girls do this while being promiscuous behind their bfs backs. Important questions are: How often do you see each other and spend the night together? Also how EAGER is she to make plans to be with you?

Don't bother the OP is not going to listen he's going to keep making excuses to why its ok she fucked one of his friends.

themagicalone i accept what you want to say.

i opened a thread some months ago about this topic (sleeping with another man)... because i wanted to break this up because of this.

then we discussed it and i came to the conclusion that i either let it destroy us both for no good or it doesn't bother me anymore. i decided to go for the second thing.

last words about this: we weren't together and ther was no view on us being together ever again. i fucked another girl she fucked another man. i gotta live with it.
things will be and also are the same regarding this point... its just a matter of attitude if you can live with it or not.

THREAD NAME: Getting back together with ex-drama

i also read that some think she cheated on me... she didnt, not even once. what she did, was not respectful and thats why it's a problem.


we see each other 2-4 times a week. its 50/50 who asks... the time we share is great. but i won't live with her attitude anymore.


is that okay to say when i see her on monday:

i thought about our last conversation. i'm not really okay with your attitude. for me its either a sure thing to be with you or i won't be with you anymore. not even as friends.
you yourself said that you have a feeling that maybe you 'd like to know how it is with other men. either you can tell me now that it won't break you or i see no sense in it.

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