I want to call off the relationship:

Here's the story. I have been hooking up with this girl for 5 months and it was casual. Progressively, we have been going down a deeper route. It came to a point where I was getting oneitis for this girl and was fucking my game up. I was blinding myself and I couldn't stop it. I was okay with it, because she is a cool chick and has met my standards for the past 5 months of screening. However, today I ran into my friend who told me about the guys she hooked up with(I needed to hear this) basically, she hooked up with a guy who I perceived as having no game and another guy that was ugly as sin. This got to me, it took me about 2-3 hours to get over. I was reminded that any girl is easy to game. I was angry because of my oneitis state but more angry because these dudes were ugly and how girls will fall for smooth talking dudes. I would have been happier if she hooked up with an athlete or a good looking man. But I was relieved because I felt brand new after hearing that. It's like a slap to reality. Oneitis over. I am back to my smooth talking ways and have been gaming 5 girls ever since I heard the news. butttt that's not the reason for my sudden spurt of epic game.


I got over it and accepted her past after 2-3 hours. I logically said to myself, hey, she hooked up with ugly people and I can't say I didn't either at some point in my life. So, shout out to inner game for saving the day and being okay with a girls past.

MY REAL PROBLEM

Basically, she sent me a what are we text 2 weeks ago. I said idk but i dont mind the way things are going. and she said okay.

My real problem is that i logically thought that since she already asked me what are we, I could ask her to be my main girl after a 2 weeks. I did it one drunken night when I had my oneitis still and told her how I have been playing around with other girls but i can't seem to close them –which was true at the time– because she pops into my head and I refrain from doing so (woops, exchange of power, stupid stupid...). She said that if she agrees to this, i should let her know if i change my mind (sounds like I caved in too fast). After a moment of silence she said this is weird (i think she just said in woman terms, damn, I wanted to keep chasing). I acknowledged that it was weird because I was confused and so was she.

So it takes us to today in my little story of my 4 day relationship

It was a early Sunday morning then and now its Thursday night and I plan to see her tonight so I need urgent help. I think she was falling for me because she was texting me an awful lot and chasing me before I asked her for the relationship. I seeded a text that hinted that I was going to take the night off and reflect on myself the night before(thinking about this problem, but she doesn't know). So she texted me early in the morning to see if it went well. Off topic though.

Basically, I need your expert opinions on this matter. I am irked that she said it feels weird after I asked even though she assured me that it was a good weird (I think I gave in too fast, I believe she was hoping to be swept off her feet, in my opinion). Thoughts? I am prepared to wait it out until we are both ready and I know she desires to be with me. I am okay to going back to the unofficial thing but I want her to ask me for the relationship. My ideal scenario is for her to tell me to stop seeing other girls and only want me for herself. Not for ego gratification but because I will then know that she wants me and desires me just like I desired her. If she asks for the relationship. I will give it to her.

How do I downgrade her without seeming like a douche? I don't want to stop seeing her, but I also want to make sure this is what she wants. I don't want to get into a relationship where she hasn't fallen for me completely...

Unless I already sound like a douche and am corrupting myself.

Mr. A

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If I get this right, you've had a casual relationship for some time, and now it's a dramatic endeavor to engage in something more? Personally, if you have to think that hard about whether or not to take the relationship more seriously, that is a bad sign.

My advice, which is not worth a lot, is to tell her you realize that if it's that hard to decide if you "want" a relationship to be more serious, you're just talking yourselves into something, and that is a bad idea. I'd tell her you retract your offer, which was made under stupid drunken circumstances, and let it flow from there. You shouldn't have to force a relationship. Good ones will just come because you both feel each other and just want more. Anything short of that is just trying to hard.

heh, I may have done what you have said but I think she will be going through the break up phase. The period of bad behavior, lol. We still are seeing each other, though. She started crying and I felt bad, but she wasn't opening up like i wanted her too. I like my girls vulnerable and giving me them all of their personality quirks and details.

She did qualify herself hard after our talk. She started spitting out details after details. Basically, she is complying with what I have requested. We had sex and for the first time I was able to let her to completely let go and let me give her a proper orgasm. I told her that I wanted the relationship to develop naturally and she said okay. Her coping mechanism now I feel is to engage in harmful behaviors, which may mean drinking, possibly sex, and whatever girls do .

Doesn't really bother me.

I love her but she has to come to me when she is ready. I think the fact that I jolted her back to reality that I am the prize really fucked her mind up. She states that I caught her off guard with this new persona. As true to form, not a lot of guys give a shit about a girl and use them for physical sex according to her. I don't. I love everything about a woman. Sex is secondary to me. I am a man that loves romance and loves people. Connection is my thing. And then the sex is even better. Of course I am a lover first

Urban dictionary has me down as a smooth talker.

P.S. I did say in our talk that I will walk away if I have to, I am unsure how this sounded to her.

Mr. A

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Sounds to me like you laid out rules that basically state what you want in a woman and what you will and won't do to get what you want.

Nothing wrong with that at all, if done in a way that doesn't make you sound like an asshole.

It also sounds like she wants you to coach her and lead her the whole way into being what you want. That is totally your call. I do think people can change, but I also think that relationships take less work when someone is what you want naturally and not by exerting effort to be something they don't really want to be themselves.

In a nutshell, I'd tell her to go find herself and become what she will, and if someday that is someone that you really want to be with completely, she will know it. Of course, whatever she becomes may also lead her to a place where you are not what she wants in a partner.......

I realized that she wanted me to coach her all the way the day after reading this over and reading between the lines. I may have been too harsh on her and I decided to make the call and take her back and keep it that way until further notice (I think I have the ability to downgrade her and upgrade her when I want, not sure though) . I may have placed too high of expectations on her and decided that I will develop with her. Hopefully by the time we outgrow each other, we will both be better people. I can't control the outcome but I do enjoy spending time with her. She will be the "one" for now, but I don't have expectations. I think she knows now what I tolerate and don't tolerate in a woman. Besides, I am asking too much of her at the moment, I should be nurturing her in a way that I leave her better than I found her.


Mr. A

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For the most part your last post seems sound. The one thing I didn't like was the comment on your ability to upgrade or downgrade her as you see fit.

I'm not a fan of this type of thing. Sounds to me almost like she is good enough.....for now. I had a marriage with a woman like that. It didn't turn out well for me. I think part of the reason I think that was/is a flawed approach is that you have to respect your woman for it to be what I believe a relationship is supposed to be. If you hide your thoughts on her being good enough for now, then you're not being open and honest with her. If you do and she hangs around, it's hard to respect a woman like I want to.

It's not your responsibility to help her become a better person. I'm not telling you to dump her, just saying that comment you made didn't strike me as a great thing. That said, I admire your goal of leaving women better than you found them.

True. Thank you for your input. I will keep challenging my thoughts to make sure my intentions are pure. Sometimes I don't really catch myself until someone points it out to me.


Dean A.

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