I recently posted a fairly detailed thread about our situation and how we're both deeply in love, can see a future together, but at the moment she has legitimate reasons for not being ready for a relationship. in her last semester as an engineer in college, and just ended a 2 year relationship 2 weeks before I met her 6 months ago. Basically over these 6 months we've been acting like we're dating, but she's constantly struggling with wanting a relationship with me, and wanting to be single, prove to herself she can be, etc. very complicated.

for the past month we've had a few discussions about this and how its becoming difficult as we were becoming much closer and fully acting like a relationship, but then theres the side of her feeling suffocated by me, even though she constantly wants me around, because she is mentally not ready yet. and this has been causing problems, for her at times subconsciously pushing me away, and for me at times simply not being ok with the fact that she wants to remain single. she can't become exclusive because with the emotional tie she has to me, that would be a 'relationship' and she's not ready. but to me i can't accept the fact that she won't be exclusive because after 6 months and with how much we are in love, it is not right for me to have to wonder who she is with and i don't want to have to hold that against her.

so a few days ago i ended things with her. it was kind of mutual, but with me being the one to say our only choice is to end it for now. she initially agreed, but then when i actually said that things had to end, this turned into about 3 hours (literally), of her crying and us just sitting there. over this time i was absolutely positive that this could not end, and i saw how much she truly loved me and how much it hurt her that she couldn't currently give me what i needed and deserved (she said this). she was scared she would lose me forever, she eventually said, maybe this is really just the beginning, this is what we needed, and then, that she refused to lose me. these are all things that i'd been dying to hear. but, i told her for now we couldn't talk to each other, that i needed to be alone and needed some time. if we just resorted to friends for now, i would never get over her and that couldn't work. if we kept talking then nothing would change.

so i saw out of her so much good and heard so many great things over those couple hours. its been very hard without her the past few days and am wondering what to do. i'm wondering how long i should wait until contacting her again. i definitely need the time for myself and for her to think about me, but it can't be too long to avoid her thinking about moving on (not that she would).


just a very difficult situation. i'm playing everything by emotion here and just hoping the things i've said have been right.

thanks for any help/input

She doesn't want a relationship, wants to remain single but doesn't want to lose you?

If you want a relationship, lay it on the line and do not settle for less than what you want.

Look, Rough Operator has this right. Remind her that letting go now is not like a death sentence for one of you such that you never could get together later when she is in a better place and ready.

Lay it on the line that you won't wait around, but that for sure you can be a friend, and if something works out later, then great.

Do yourself a favor though, and don't let your heart get trampled on by someone who knows she is confused and not ready for a relationship. Help her help herself and give her the time and space needed to get herself figured out. And when you start to feel down about it, remind yourself that you did the best thing for both of you, which is what you should do if you care for her.

I had a similar situation before with my last girlfriend. wasn't ready, it eventually caused issues, and I told her it was relationship or over. we started one, it immediately went south shortly after and we don't speak anymore. I'm not looking to make the same mistake, I wouldnt push for it if she's not ready.

further, I can't 'just be friends'. I know me and I can't. I'll never get over her that way, especially the level I'm at with her. she's the type of girl that I will work for and help her and be patient with, but I just can't accept the idea about an open relationship or anything like that. so I really don't know what to do


I'm wondering if I'm the type of guy that she wants to settle with, but she's not ready for that, she wants reckless fun and a guy that can go along with that.

Then you need to move on from her.

If she doesn't want a relationship, and you do, you're setting yourself up for some emotional turmoil. If you agree to keep things open when its not what you want, by agreeing to this you have to suppress how you're really feeling and it will blow up in your face and leave you feeling a lot worse than if you had just walked away.

Tell her that it's all or nothing with you and then be prepared to go no contact and move on from her.

thanks again for the advice. what makes this difficult is that she's not the girl that i just feel like it's my way or the highway. she means too much to me and i really do see her as a girl that i want around for a long time. but at the same time, i agree with you, and at some point i need to draw my own line, and move on if she can't give me what i need.

the more i think, i feel for me personally, to feel comfortable about this, i can't have this be open. i don't care how involved our 'relationship' will be initially, or if she's ready, as long as we can at least commit to each other and slowly working on it together.

how do you guys feel about that, and if it's a reasonable thing to ask of her? basically i'm drawing the line at other guys/girls in the mix. i can't have that. i just need to think of the best/ most mature way to tell her this. i think that, if i put this correctly, if she can't commit to this then i need to move on.


and again, thanks. i know this forum isn't quite as geared towards these types of issues..

It’s really great posts.