I'm in a relationship for about 2 years now (i'm 21, she's 20). We started off having daily sex during the first 6 months, but after that her sex drive kind of... faded. We now have about 1 time sex per week: 1/week during semester (even though i sleep with her on her appartment about 5 days a week) but also when i tried to be less at her appartment. And every single time, it's like she 'gives' sex just because she knows I have my needs, and not because she wants sex badly. She also gives me blowjobs like 1, 2 times a week (sometimes more) but only does that for the same reason: for my pleasure, but not because she wants me to have sex with her...

We talked about it, but she thinks it's like that with all long relationships, lust is always the strongest at the beginning. But talking about it doesn't affect her sex drive (at least not for long). I also want to point out that she's not cheating on me (i'm sure of this) and she really loves me (it's like she can barely live without me anymore). She probably loves me more than I love her (i love her too, a lot, don't get me wrong there). So there's not a 'real' problem going on here.

So she seems to have lost her 'lust' and rarely initiates sex. When I initiate, most of the time i get rejected. But I do seem to be able to get her lust up occasionally by, for example, give oral/fingering and sometimes that leads her to wanting to have sex. So her lust is still there somewhere, but only appears when i give her foreplay (but when i want to, she rejects most times), when she's tipsy or just DURING the sex. The point is: she will never be the one that initiates in bed.

She unfortunately can't get an orgasm with penetration (only by clitoral stimulation) so in that point of view i understand sex is more fun to me, yet i am always willing to please her (by going down on her, fingering, using vibrator etc.) if she asks for it, i'm open for new things and i love doing it on unusual, exciting places (we had sex in the woods before but that only happened because she was tipsy). We were on an airplane a few months ago, i ofcourse wanted to have sex on the toilets but these things aren't interesting to her. Just everything I do/try, I can't get her to love 'sex' again like we both used to.

( Before anyone asks: i can last sex quite long if i want to (or be quick if i have to), i don't have problems in bed and i'm not really looking for tips on that matter... )


So guys, how can you get your girl be passionate about sex again ? How to make her sex drive stronger than yours ? I don't want her to give me sex because i need it, i want her to initiate sex daily again just because she loves it too!


I'm wondering: if i act like i give in to her and tell her i'll stop initiating sex as it bothers her, and basically explain her i don't want sex for some (short) time because i'm tired of having this strong sex drive (it did kind of gave us some arguments in the past...) =>> if i do this, i wonder: would she eventually start to miss sex and realise that regular sex keeps a relationship strong ? Thus changing her back to her primarily 'sex' habbits ?



Thanks in advance

From experience, the best way to understand a girls view on sex is to have an intimate conversation. Start by revealing on of your sexual fantasies or better of tell her that you read an article about guys or girls sexual fantasies; that might help her open up. But just try to let her know how you feel in an honest, constructive manner. Tell her that you love her, that you don't want anyone else...that you want her to be happy and be pleased sexually as well. Let her talk about her feelings. Connect with her in an emotional level. Allow her to open up emotionally, just listen and pay attention!

Tips.
-Try to take 30 minutes of foreplay
-Be romantic and caring
-Maybe she has to much stress
-It would be idea to take care to the doctor to see how her health is doing.
And that would show her that you care about her

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We have had countless conversations about this. The thing is, talking about a problem like this with her, in all possible way (believe me i tried all) only results in her feeling even more insecure. I try to explain her that a good sex drive is healthy in all relationships, and it's something special i can only share with the girl that's the most beautiful to me. And if one loses this lust, there must be something wrong in the relationship. But she replies that we had more sex in the beginning "probably because i wanted you to like me and it's just normal in a relationship, to have more sex the first months...". We had hours of discussing about it but nothing really helped, simply because she don't know why her lust isn't stronger and she thinks it's not that different than her friends. The thing is: her friend next door, she sometimes says things like "wohoo, my bf is here in 20 minutes.. hopefully he's in the mood: i'm horney !!!" ... that's the exact behavior i would love to see coming from my gf sometimes... she'll always be happy to see me, but not because she was waiting for passionate sex or w/e. I want her to desire sex HERSELF, not just giving it because I need it, but because she desires the passion, the connection.

I also told her plenty of times I love her, and i want her to be happy and she knows i always want to please her in sexual and non-sexual ways she desires. i actually already tried this "sexual fantasy" thing you were talking about but she didn't really seem to have any. Think she prefers sex on a bed in a locked door but i'll definitely going to dig a bit more into that subject with her.

Allowed her to open up emotionally too man... we've been together for nearly 2 years, we practically live together, see each other and sleep with each other every day. We can talk about everything, like there's no shame at all.

About your tips: We always have >30 minutes foreplay (since i love it) and yes, that gets her in the mood for sex. But she's not often in the mood of some foreplay... Stress might be a cancer in this relationship, indeed. She's a stressy person, worries too fast about things (i'm like the opposite) etc. It might be (partially) an answer to the problem but that doesn't solve the problem.


This might sound silly, but this is a girl i want to grow old with, because she's really just fantastic. But when i look at her parents, always verbally fighting, unhappy couple, and the tipsy father talking to me about how he's hoping to get laid, after years of no sex, when they go on their vacation, followed by him awakening from his dream, realising it won't happen anyway... -> I don't want this to happen with my relationship. I bet that if the mother would allow her husband to have sex with her more often, he'd be another man, a happier one, and they wouldn't be fighting that much, resulting in a healthy relationship with good sex. Sex in a relationship is just... important... well, at least to most men.

So , How to make her sex drive stronger than mine ? How do i get her to wait for me, full of lust, so when i get home in the evening, she'll be jumping me as i enter the door, ripping the clothes off, dragging me into the bedroom, not being able to hold her sex thrift any longer... (...you get the point! )

sounds like you want to improve her sex drive for yourself. not for her

If that was the case, i wouldn't have to simply because she is willing to give sex and blowjobs, but just for fulfilling my needs (when i ask her to): BUT I want to improve her sex drive so that i can fulfill HER needs, so we can both enjoy it... Improving her sex drive will boost our relationship, consisting of 2 people, so naturally, i want this too. For myself, and for her.

And as of right now, I limited myself from asking for sex (only when the needs are high, like after a week of no sex) because if i ask her more than that, she will reject me a lot more, she'll feel like she disappoints me, and that makes her feel insecure. If i could, I'd lower my libido if that would both make us happier. But i'm afraid that's an extremely tough job and that might lead into a platonic relationship (on the long run, like her parents) and to me, sex in a relationship is what keeps you young, happy and passionate. So it's kind of important to me and I want her to get the same benefits from it, thus by increasing her sex drive... I'm pretty sure if i succeed in doing that, she (and I) will both be less insecure, happier, increase the romance, ...