Hey guys!

Me & my girlfriend went from an exclusive relationship to a open relationship about four months ago. The rules of our relationship are simple: You can fuck anyone - as long as there's no feelings involved, and if you develop feelings that goes beyond simple attraction you have to tell the other person - as it would be a serious problem. - Anyways she went to spain for two months to learn the language, things were going great - we kept in touch weekly and kept a dialogue going - then bam - barely any contact, maybe a short message every 2nd week - which were short and cold. I thought she was just busy so i didn't really stress about it.. But after some time i got a little worried, and guessed she was in love, so i called her and asked her about it, - she said no - not at all blabla, stop being controlling etc - dont worry.. And of course - i trusted her.

Then.. The next week - she's starting to post up pictures of her & a guy making out - holding hands etc.. I confronted her about it and said that she crossed the line. Again she told me that it was nothing and that she's not in love etc..

Then one day a mutual friend of mine comes over, tells me that she thought this was too much to keep secret from me - so she flips open the laptop and show me a list of messages between my girlfriend and the guy.. Amongst other things were words like "Hey.. I really loved our long talks in the night.. I love you" I fucking FLIP out - But after a day i'm able to calm the fuck down - so I call her and confront her.. She told me that it was a guy she was hooking up with - but that it was no feelings involved - and that she said "I love you" because she didn't have any other words to use to say that she found him to be a really nice guy..

I flipped out again, called her on the fact that she was lying etc.. She started crying etc starting to say "oh, i love you - you're the only one for me - i didn't mean it - i swear on my mothersgrave etc" but i still wouldn't believe her and told her to go get comfort from her other boyfriend. Now - two weeks later she's totally cold against me - won't talk to me etc, i called her up and said that we should talk and sort things out - She replied with "I need time to think about things.. You're dominant - I don't know if I can handle it when you get so mad at me"

And now - I miss her .. More than ever. I can't think about anything else. Is it possible to fix this relationship - or do you think this girl simply ain't to be trusted? How can I stop this from becoming a break up? appearentley it's on the edge of failure - as im just a dominant asshole to her - So maybe it's too late.. I don't know.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I'm feeling like this drains all my energy, even when i get other girls over i can't get my mind off her..

Cheers, Koff!

Very funny.

"is this girl to be trusted"

"don't be controlling"

"i'm flipping out"

What did you expect? You have an open relationship. She is fucking other dudes. What the hell.


Anyway, it might be me, but i find the idea of an "open relationship" complete bullshit. I mean, nothing against fucking other people, but then you shouldn't be together. It just doesn't make any sense at all.

IMO: if you aren't exclusive, there is no relationship.

Well, i didnt ask for your opinion about open relationships, sorry. I asked for advice on quite clear points, ig you got nothing to add on that please dont share it on this post.
the terms of our open relationship were quite clear, and she broke them, and tried to cover it all by lying. that is the source of the problem, not the fact that she fucked another guy.

+ 1,000,000

_________________
what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Ok, good luck with your open relationship.

If this is what you want, go ahead.

Sex and feelings always go together. If you can't handle your partner developing feelings for other people don't be in an open relationship.

She told you that you were more important than him and you blew up on her. I think she made the right choice to distance herself from you and I think you need to do a lot of self examination before you try to get her back.

I'd also suggest some good casual sex to distract yourself.

I think problems tend to occur when a relationships status changes to open. If it started out as open then you both got on board and were happy with the terms. If it was monogamous and then became open you got to ask yourself why the change? What was wrong? It also seems to happen that one of the couple is not as happy with open as the other?

To my mind a change from monogamous to an open relationship happens when the couple is unhappy but want to stay together for the emotional security and easy/good sex until they find someone better.

If you go in the other direction open -> monogamous then that's a big statement. It's saying I have been pursuing lots of options but actually what I really want is just you.
I think you have said it yourself. If she broke the rules then that's a deal breaker right? Sounds like it time to move on.
This really just comes down to definitions. I am in an open 'relationship' at the moment. We have gone past the point of dating. We are great friends and hang out like a couple would i.e. she isn't a fuck buddy and it's more than FWB. We catch up on the phone during the week and give each other emotional support. But due to various factors, previous relationship experiences and travel to name a couple, we are not exclusive at the moment (that's not to say we never will be). To me this is a 'relationship'.

Apocalyptica, I am interested to hear your thoughts on why being monogamous would grant our situation the 'relationship' title. I assume for you a relationship is based on commitment right?

The ultimate goal of monogamous relationships is to stay together for a life-time. Under this definition almost all relationships fail. Under polyamory relationships come and go. People naturally flow in and out of your life. As such a relationship which say lasted 3 months could be cherished as a success. Isn't that a more pragmatic and optimistic outlook?