too make a long story short ... too many red flags ... she doesn't sounds like a bad person but she just have too many immature behaviours.
you are better of without her or indeed you will probably have another divorce 5 or 10 years later.....i've had a similar girlfriend .. it didn't work out.

if you want a relationship with someone you shouldn't sleep with them on day 1 , i don't think i need to explain this.... at least do it on a day 2 if you really are into her but not the first night.

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

oh fuck.

as a former cocaine addict of seven years, i can say this without pause:

dump the cokehead.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

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That is what everyone says. So what condition did you have? Did she emotionally abuse you? She emotionally neglect you? Post traumatic stress disorder? Or just a general case of "i need an excuse as to why im doing something so stupid so im just going to blame my ex for everything that happens in my life right now" syndrome? Your ex is not the reason you are screwing your life up. OTHER PEOPLE are not the reason you screw your life up. Its you. BS flag? Ok im pretty sure you didnt dump her. Call me a liar.



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Bow chika wow wow

Sorry, that changes my answer. Unless you are a cocaine user you must drop this. Drug addicts will come up with all sorts of excuses and rationalizations for their behavior, but you cannot be responsible for how much of what she tells you about her consumption habits is true and how much is false.

I've seen friends try to date coke-heads, and even try to get them through SPAM, and it destroys them. I have never heard a success story of someone getting their loved one through a cocaine addiction with the relationship intact. (and if you are about to say, "She is not an addict," refer to the above paragraph)

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- Lux et Veritas -

Bigdog: You might be right but I really think she is mature in many ways but her perception might be off. You have to understand she goes to a very liberal school and she just graduated. She is adjusting to life but she is really trying. After she told me she would quit for me, I basically told her she should not quit for me but for herself. She then said that she gave it up couple months ago but now she has quit in her mind and her soul. She says she has control but I pointed out that if she is influenced by friends after she drinks to do it, then she doesn't. I think this fact that she doesn't have perceived control over doing it has made her realize that she really didn't have control.

Bottomline she quit and I have to take her word for it. As far as having her around my kids, well I will have to see how that goes. If at any moment I felt like she was going to be bad influence on them I would not bring her around. So I feel that I am not putting my kids life or mental well being in jeopardy. She is a party girl but I am also a partier myself. So on that front we are very much alike.

Lode: Can you explain why it didn’t work out with your girl? I am curious, more because my buddy just broke up with a girl that was similar to my GF but this chick was a little crazier. For example I am friends with her on FB and all the pictures she post look like soft core porn. She is the type that loves attention, and having attention from only one guy was cramping her style. Also, the rule on sleeping on first date is outdated in my opinion. Every person is different in how they see sex. Some people have strict hard rules about sex but others see sex as a physical form of enjoyment. Not that it matters to me but we didn’t sleep with each other the first night.

Mack: Since I have never done drugs before, did you get addicted to coke the first few times you did it? I am curious because she claims she is not addicted and does it only to enhance her mood at a club. I am not sure how many times she has done it but I am assuming only few times when she went out. She also told me she has tried ecstasy and Acid. This is a shocker to me because I never grew up using drugs nor did I go to school where use of these substances was prevalent. I like to be open minded but at the same time, fact is drugs fuck you up as you can probably attest to.

I for now would not call her coke head because she told me she has made the decision to be done with it, but since I don’t have experience in that I really don’t know if she is really done with it. I guess that’s one of those risks we have to take, and have faith in people.

Wal: I see your point and that is why I am really afraid to go further into this relationship. It's extremely difficult to see the true her if I am not around all the time.

To conclude I really love this girl. She is an identical match to me. Really the only thing we see differently on is this drug use that she experimented with. I think she has her head screwed on very tight and for that I really don't think she would jeopardize her hard work she has done and the future that she has set up for herself. Still though I am very cautious since I don't want another chaotic relationship.

Not wanting to seem like we are all coming down on you - but the majority of opinion (and it is just opinion) is alarms blaring here sir...are you aware of HOW much you are defending her every move - I'm not saying that she is a terrible person but you are defending every concern you have about her that is brought to task by the forum...do you truly feel this are are you overrationalising to avoid the tougher task of ending this relationship?

Taken in simplistic form without any rationalisation:

You gave her money to see you, then said it was ok if she went out. She went out, but then you have a concern. Either you have to be cool with her using some of the money you gave her for the express purpose of coming to see you to party OR you should have been clear that its not ok for her to go out using the cash.

She claims she is not addicted, but does it to enhance her mood - no addict every admits they are addicted. Now I'm not saying she is, I'm saying that she would fight tooth and nail against admitting it if she was.

You ASSUME she has used a few times - thats not grounded in any kind of fact, you are not sure how many times, but you are rationalising to yourself that 'she's not that kind of girl' then framing your belief to support that view.

Stop assuming things either in a bad or good light.

Having faith in people is a noble call - too much faith will fuck you up though - just keep your eyes open and your mind clear, try to avoid colouring it with assumptions or your idealised view of her.

Obviously you are enamoured with this girl - you speak of being exactly alike and being identical match.
You are not.

She is a user of drugs - you are not.
She will spend your money on thhings you didnt give it her for - you won't.

There is a certain amount of pedestalisation going on her - it seems at times you are raising her to a higher position than she really may be at - this is only gonna cause confusion, hearthache and drama for you when the reality fails to meet your idealised view of her.

One MASSIVE thing that may not have been touched upon (apologies if it has):

The girl is 22 years old. You have ten years of experience of life on her - military, divorce, kids etc.

You may be a partier but you also have a buttload of repsonsibility that happens naturally over time that she does not share.

Is she REALLY ready to settle down with you at 22?

I used/sold cocaine from the time I was 15 through age 21. I've been clean for twelve years. I still think about (want to) using a couple of times per week. But I'm not an addict...lol.

On the other hand, regardless of whether she is addicted or not, my advice to you (as someone who pretty much "lived" within that culture) is that you move on from this girl. She might be the sweetest thing on Earth, but the fact is she is young and immature and it's not going to workout. Trust me. Find a real woman, someone your own age, someone you can take around your daughter who will be a more motherly influence. Not some club-hopping, acid-tripping, coke-snorting recent high-school grad.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Lol this guy is below afc.

Dont waste your efforts on him.

He sees whst he wants to see and ignores anything that doesnt fit his predetermined mindset.

He uses what he can rationalize his way through his own logic.

Ive been saying it the entire time. He will never break up with this girl no matter how grim it goes.

Seriously. I guarantee you guys, his issues go beyond pick up.

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Bow chika wow wow

That is bad-ass, man, good for you.

Also, calimoxo summed up my point beautifully, which is that addicts will rarely admit they are addicts. They will also rarely admit how much they use to a person who sees it in poor taste. She doesn't want you judging her, so I'm guessing she didn't tell you the whole truth about it... and when you reacted to the cocaine admission in a negative way, she most certainly bottled up the whole truth.

Then again, it doesn't sound like you're ready to accept this forum's advice. We are in universal agreement about this situation (at least those of us who have posted), but this thread feels like a game at this point.

Good luck.

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- Lux et Veritas -

Well, from what I heard, I think personally, I would move on. Right now I am in a relationship and it was just recently in possibly the "weirdest" situation but anyway, over time ive noticed alot of things; 1- I love being with the girl, she makes me feel special, we click on every level, and always have fun 2- she is very attractive, im a hard judge and ill give her an 8.5, so what shes got goin on just adds to thinking she is the "perfect" girl for me. 3- She is smart, funny, mature, her personality is just amazing.

Now, I have sat back and thought a few times, and asked myself this very question, "Is my girl really AS good as I think she is?". I think its an important question to ask yourself, along with other ones. You really need to push away certain things and find out your true feelings for this girl. I personally have felt she has been "perfect" for me, but like every human, we have our downsides too. So I thought about that as well...do her positives outweigh her negatives...This is what you need to think about. If you think her drug problem is no big deal, and the fact she is not as mature as you are and probably not ready for this type of relationship, then I think no matter how beautiful she is, its gotta end. Beauty is skin deep, i bet youve heard that enough, but let it sink in, because yea, fuck all the hot ass girls you want, but if they dont pass your little tests/questions you have about her, then she isnt worth wasting your time on, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

One more thought I had was, dont try and convince yourself that the girl is SOO good. Trust me, this has happened to me, i get little periods where I STILL think like that and i have to stop myself. Heres the example: you start with a score of 0, the positive traits the girl has are worth 1, the negatives are worth -1. If you get too attached to a girl without thinking properly about who she is inside, at some point, those positive traits turn from getting only 1 point, to 2. This happens when you feel your getting more serious, basically your lying to YOURSELF so you can BELIEVE she is perfect!! Why!? I dont know! I did this myself just recently, and regretted it.

Hope this wasnt all jumbled up too bad, its getting pretty late and I was just with my girl, so im not feelin normal haha

Let's set the red flags asside and assume she is a good decent person and is sincere in her interests in you.

You are a full grown, self supporting adult that has adult responsibilities and adult attitudes, values and mentality.

She is a youth still under construction. she is not a finished product yet. She may be smart, have good study habits and get good grades and may have some pretty lofty educational and career goals but she is still a 22 year old girl that is not self-supporting, not fully developed as an adult and does not have a self-supporting career or education at this point.

In otherwords you two are on two different planes of development. Of course she wantst to get out and party and live it up with friends, she's 22. She may get good grades in school but she is still a young and free 22 year old.

She doesn't have a career than can support all her living and educational expenses yet. (again assuming she isn't using you for $$ and assuming she doesn't have some kind of cushy trust fund or something)

You two are going to have issues like this for several years because she is not a full grown adult yet.

That doesn't mean that the feelings aren't real or sincere.

Again, assuming everything is on the up and up and she isn't just some ditzy gold-digger using a lonely serviceman as a sugar-daddy I see two options.

Option #1 is do not invest any more emotional time and energy or money in her and just treat her as you would any other nice, attractive young girl that you have the hots for. Meaning you have a saturday night date or a weekend getaway when time and money allows and you keep fun and lighthearted. And in the mean time you both have your options open and you are free to date other people if you so choose. In otherwords no strings, no obligations. If you want to pay her bus fair so she can come down and bang you. Go for it.

Option #2 is if you truly love her and want to be with her forever. Marry her and support her while she is in school and then when she is out and gets a real career you will benifit from her income and resources. Protect yourself legally in a manner that she can't just live off of you while she is in school and then dump you scott-free when she graduates.

That's what marriage is, it is a social and legal contract with very real legal and financial responsibilities.

If you choose a middle ground between those two options you will have frustrations over which you can do nothing about it.