The Background
I've been with this girl, exclusively, for about 1.5 years. Things are still exciting for both of us, which is odd, because all my previous relationships got pretty boring after a few months... in any case, we click well, and we both agree we are ready to move in together, come hell or high water. To the death of me.

My idea was to move to a city about 2-3 hours away, and at first she accepted. It was a good plan--I wanted to move to this particular city to boost my band's exposure and just generally try something new, and she just graduated college and always talked about moving away from our current city to see more of the world. A move to a city a few hours away works in both ways, in that it gives me a better shot with my career goals, and it gives her a chance to explore without getting too far away from the family.

The Issue
She was, initially, very excited about this plan. A few weeks pass by, and all of the sudden, she begins to have doubts. We talk about it and she calms down. We go another week without any issues. Then, I get another bit of resistance, seemingly out of nowhere. We talk again, she calms down again, and we go five days. Repeat. Three days. Repeat.

This brings us to the present. These episodes of doubt about the plan are becoming more explosive, enough that I actually had to leave her at the bar one night with her friends because I couldn't handle any more of it. We are down to every couple days, if that, where she has some new problem that just occurred to her that means she can't come live with me.

The complaints I haven't been able to address adequately are that she does not feel involved in the decision making process, that she is coming along on my ride of fulfilling MY goals, and that she is just following me around. I don't really know how to address that, though, because as far as I can tell she has no alternative plan.

I'm lost here. I see the huge red flags. It is obvious to me that she does not want this, but she will not actually provide any alternative when we talk about it. I understand what it is like to finally graduate from college and be financially responsible for yourself for the first time, and be scared of that. I also know the fear of being totally free to do whatever and go wherever, that fear of impending failure, but I don't know how to handle this. It seems as though, when we discuss it, she either simply agrees with me in order to end the discussion, or she is so indecisive that all it takes is one slight nudge to convince her.

At this point I've stopped discussing it with her when she brings it up, just because I don't want every day to be an exercise in, "Convince someone else that this is a good plan." I just say, "You have to decide what you want to do. I have told you what I want. What do you want?" Do you guys have any ideas? What am I missing?

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- Lux et Veritas -

wal, wal, wal...

what the fuck, man?

you are supposed to be the one giving advice, not asking for it, lol.

I'M JUST KIDDING WITH YOU, BUDDY (REALLY)

anyway...

this is a tough one.

know why it's a tough one?

i'll tell ya.

cuz you are BOTH right.

you are right in that: you are doing it for all the right reasons

she is right in that: she would be leaving everything behind to go along with you on your "venture" (or sorts)

you have two options, way i see it, each with differing outcomes..........

option #1: stay and choose the relationship with her over your potential career advancement

possible outcome 1 - true happiness and undying love
possible outcome 2 - heaploads of resentment on both sides

option #2: tell her you understand, that you don't expect her to come along with you, THAT YOU UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT HER wants/needs in things, then YOU GO, and tell her that she knows where to find you if she changes her mind, but that you won't wait "forever".

possible outcome 1 - you are doomed, relationship ends right there
possible outcome 2 - you have put the ball in her court, which means that when/if she decides to come and be with you, it is her choice, or her own free will, she didn't "follow" you like a lost puppy, she chose like an adult to move. then relationship continues to blossom.

good luck.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

I hit this particular bump myself a little while ago.
Mack 2.0 speaks gospel.

It's a tough decision to make, but in my experience you have to be 100% behind the decision you take.
How old is the OP if you dont mind my asking?

Enter the 'chauvinist'. I've never met a woman who knows what she wants. There's the idea of a decision she would LIKE you to come to, and the idea of a decision she would NOT like you to make. Nothing concrete, just how she FEELS about these ideas...

1. You move away. She feels you are making the decisions (Alpha) and she is just tagging on. How much does she REALLY want to see other places? Or is that some dreamy shit and she is really a homebird?
This may cause tension, as it did for me. BUT BUT BUT - she may not like your decision, but she'll respect you for making it, rather than pussyfooting about.

2. You don't move - you may still enjoy a great relationship. How much do you love your music? Are you able to pass up a chance for increased exposure to keep the relationship?
What if she discovers a hobby/career path that entails her moving away sometime down the line. You don't wanna find yourself in a tit-for-tat situation. You don't want resentment...

3. to echo Mack's assertion that you put the ball in her court before you go.

What happened to me? Well, she would always try and get pissy, or change my mind, or shit test me, or state she wasn't happy...I maintained my frame, stuck to my decision to see how it played out. Over time, the needling lessened. Never stopped fully hahaha...and it never affected her to the point that she wanted to break up.

A woman will never be 100% happy, and as soon as you hand her your balls and back out of a decision, you set a precedent. It tells her that she is able to control and change you and then every choice after this will follow this pattern.

Clear your mind, Grasshopper. What do YOU want to do? Whatever it is, act on it 100%.

I agree with the above. I can tell you from experience that resentment will kill your relationship. You can decide to stay because of the relationship, but if you start resenting her for it down the line, the relationship is doomed. It's ok to invest into a relationship and it's ok to make compromises, but not the kind that compromise who you are. There are no guarantees in love, you can stay in your home town and break up in a year from now. Saying this is kinda stupid because you have to invest in a relationship if you wanna have it, there's no way around it. And while you must be able to make compromises for any relationship to thrive, you should never sacrifice your dreams. My two cents. I wish I knew this sooner

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

Damn, I know, I made it 195 posts without listing any problems. Not that I didn't have problems, but I found my way through them!

I am (somewhat) happy no one came to pimp-slap me in the face on this one. At least not yet. It doesn't seem there is an easy answer, or something obvious I am missing. A blessing, and a curse.

Mack, option #2 is my default if it turns into something ugly. I can't make a decision for "us" if she cannot explain what she wants. That said, I'm not sure what I would have done if she had told me from the beginning, "No, I don't want to move there. Let's come up with another plan that works for both of us." But that is irrelevant anyway, right? She still hasn't said as much, even though I am asking her to state what she wants.

Calimoxo, I'm 25. My girlfriend is also 25. I have been out of school and living on my own for two or three years, but she is just hitting this milestone. I agree that, for practical purposes, I should simply do what is best for me, and that means moving to the new city. But, I am trying to figure out why this idea, which was initially very acceptable, has now devolved into a passive-aggressive shit storm on her end.

Txacoli, I agree that resentment will kill the vibe, but could I not also feel resentment that we made this plan, I followed through, and she ditched at the last minute?
I won't feel resentful... I promise! I'm glad you chimed in about investing in a relationship to make it work, because that is absolutely true.

Any ideas on how to coax my gal into opening up and explaining herself?

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- Lux et Veritas -

Pimp slap! hahaha - i think that's only left for the non LTRS hahaha

25? Its an odd age - my two pence is this:

By an odd age I mean the girl has just left college life and as you mention now has to fend in the real-life shit you have been doing for a while now.

This may be the source of her fluctuating emotion about the move, as she would maybe have been thinking 'what next?' when she finished college.

You provided an answer that would appeal to the romantic and exciting ideal 'lets move away start a new life together in a new place' yadda yadda...maybe the passive aggressive reaction to it is that you were able to formulate this plan and directon and she maybe hadn't come up with what she was gonna do - perhaps she has no idea what she wants and is frustrated that she cannot come up with an alternative and its THIS frustration fuelling it, rather than you moving away...

Though there will be rafts of literature that women want a strong decisive man in their life, to handle shit etc etc you cannot ignore the fact that society is not totally caveman now - yes you cant undo X thousand years of evolution, but maybe your lady wants to define an identity for herself, her own career, her own path

The shitter for you (as you pointed out) is this: she more than likely DOES NOT KNOW what path she wants to take, only that she FEELS she needs to take it - she is obviously a strong willed lady and isn't content to be seen as just following you around - nobody will think she is, but I have a feeling that its the possible perception that she could be seen as 'just a groupie' that also may be getting to her.

Truth? You cannot provide logical advice to her by saying - you should/could do this, trying to fix her emotional condition with logic as we all know is gonna just cause further friction!

Once her emotional shitstorm has subsided, she will no doubt see and feel what she wants to do...

Its tough tho man - the amount of times I have asked the question 'what do you want to do?' of a lady and got JACK SHIT back is very very frustrating - until I learned that its just the nature of the beast.

*breathes*

My man - I would:

Move to the city, TELL her the offer is there for her to come if she comes - GREAT.
If she continues to deliberate - JUST MOVE - not in a nasty way, keep it amicable as you can but just make yourself scarce.

I'm sure given the time and space away from you, she will come to realise that she misses you and make the move.

Think of it as a pressure pipe - that release catch needs pulling cos at the minute its just building and building and will blow - release some pressure.

And super harshly - if it affects her so badly that she decides that she doesn't want to make the move - then you KNOW it wasnt meant to be - if a simple city move is enough the break the relationship then it was never that strong..

Let me know how you get on mate

wal,

i was thinking about your situation while i was at work today.

and now i am home and eating pizza, so i shall comment...

could it be possible that she wants you to match:

commitment for commitment

(her moving is a commitment, what is yours?)

let me elaborate,

please view the following link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Wow, you have the exact same story as a friend of mine. He was able to extract the real reason of his woman`s indecisiveness. When they were in a space (financially and mentally) to move in together and have him do music full time, reality hit his girlfriend square in the face: she was an average looking chick, he was a tall, talented and physically attractive musician. If he were to ever make it big, he would probably dump her for a more attractive female. So, to prevent that from happening, she started acting weird (basically acting like how your girl is acting) and ultimately made him give up on his dreams. Currently my friend is still with the girl and has a "regular job".

oh my god, i just realized my ex did this to me too.

not even kidding.

i worked so hard to start a business. and she tore it (and me) down at every turn.

actively undermining me.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

shooking head

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AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Enlighten us Lodewijkp
This actually makes a lot of sense, of course, it might not be the case at all. But she must be insecure about something. Maybe the lack of her own goals makes her envious of Wal's clear goals. Who knows. Any progress Wal?

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

???

Anyway.

calimoxo--you have a fine insight into this problem. When I was in her position, after I graduated college, I felt very tentative, as if my first "move" would make or break my life. It really is the biggest change anyone goes through, from childhood (and the safety of dependence) to adulthood (and independence).

Mack--Kanye was right, but there ain't gonna be no ring any time soon.

Txacoli--no progress yet. She has gotten to the point where she will tell people, when they ask about our move to Austin, that she "might" come. But she has also stopped engaging me in arguments about it, so it would seem she understands that the decision is on her shoulders. It is an uneasy peace...

_________________
- Lux et Veritas -

lmao @ "kanye was right"

it is a GREAT video

for obvious reasons

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Yeah man, it's not a decision you can make for her (like 'let's go out to x,y,z') - ball is in her court - I imagine when it comes to the crunch (moving day) you may get some drama - and that is when your shit is seriously gonna be tested - I would advise that you have your decision (whatever it is) 100% completely ingrained in your head and unmovable.

If your decision is: I'm moving - she either has to stay or go - don't mean its all over
If it is: I'm not moving - then resentment of any kind is not an option, you need to have made peace with that before arrving at your decision.

In a perfect world and all that hahahaha