Sometimes you have to let a good one go. I’ve been dating a girl long distance for the last 6 months or so. She lives in Chicago and I live in Tampa so the distance was tough but she has been willing to work at it and flew down to visit quite often. On paper she seemed perfect, loving, loyal, smart, educated, good family, etc but being pushed into relationship land was a drain on me. I knew her feelings for me were much stronger than mine for her. I’ve become so emotionally cut off and cold from dating and the world of PUA that a relationship is not a realistic option for me right now. I’ve expressed this to her but nonetheless she fell quite hard for me. Last night I broke up with her because it wasn’t fair to keep stringing along.

She cried for an hour, pleading, telling me she loves me, that I am the one, and all that good stuff. I feel it was the right thing to do but I fear that staying true to PUA may have made me make a huge mistake. Only time will tell but it sucks to feel like you have put a women you care about through so much pain. I’m usually on the receiving end of the breakup talk so this is new for me.

She told me that hearing my voice would be too hard for her so I guess that is it. I’ll do the right thing and keep a distance and let her heal. Ugh, this is exactly why I am trying to stay away from relationships, they are messy and someone always gets hurt.

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~Carmo~

I went through the exact same shit as you, long distance, all that. I broke up with her. She didn't exactly plead because she's very stubborn, at first she tried to break rapport, I just ignored her. As time went by she eventually cried and whatnot.

Anyways, I came back 6 weeks later and that time I fell hard for her. So what you said right there with staying true to PUA was a big mistake MIGHT be true. I pray that your decision won't come back and bite you in the ass. But if it does, it's going to be hell getting her back. But in a way, it can be good for you as this will help you develop your feelings for her as I have while giving myself that opportunity of missing her. It's a nature thing. The thing is that when you go back to her, she'll be like you were when you broke up with her. That's where I'm stuck man.

Just giving you a heads up of what can happen. Be prepared. I don't know though, it's probably stupidity on our part for not falling as hard for her so we can be the at the same level with her where everything is good. All I know is that she's the innocent one man, she might not know your PU obsession and what not, but she knows she loves you. When you're the one causing the hurt to someone that was being innocent with you, then chances are karma will have it's effects soon. If she cheated on your or something, then yeah you'd have a good reason for breaking up. But I can tell it's gonna turn out bad for you seeing that you already feel as if it might of been a "mistake".

Its a hell of a paradox. When I was oblivious to all this i was emotionally open but like most guys that go down this path couldn't keep the girl because i was too open, too available, etc. Now I have done a complete 180 and am not able to open up at all but I am sure that being aloor, indiferent, etc was part of what made her fall in the first place.

I should add that she just got into her dream grad program so she would be tied down for 2.5 years in Chicago. I just got my dream job down here in FL so im not going anywhere either. 2.5 years of long distance is a tough pill to swallow. If she was living near me and our relationship could have progresed naturally i really feel things would be different. The fact that we had to cram weeks/months of dating into short weekend visits really didn't feel right and is part of the reason i did what i did.

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~Carmo~

Surely there could have been a win-win situation if you truly, truly cared to put the effort in. Though it all depends on how much you like her to turn your life around like that.

damn, i guess i'll chime in on this one too.

if you had asked me a year ago to tell you anything about a long distance relationship, i would've said "i can not, i have never been in one". that was before a year ago.

however, i've spent the bulk of the last year in a long distance relationship. all i can say is (and this is only my opinion, not offered as gospel truth) that long distance relationships are trouble.

BECAUSE it is far, far to easy for a couple things to happen:

* cheating - the temptation is there, none of the danger of being caught
* fantasy - the image in her head of this perfect little dream world she has built up, which is nothing more than a grown-up version of playing house with dolls
* fantasy (our fantasy) - the image of this uber-compatible, super-sweet, flawless woman. when in reality, most of these women who seek these sorts of relationships out are not just "shy" or "reserved", they are fucking "dysfunctional".
* balance - it is hard to balance our relationship, spend the right amount of time talking, texting, visiting, whatever.
* a game plan - i am convinced that no long term relationship can survive without the eventual promise (plan) of actually being together at some predetermined point in the future. you can't be alone...forever...and call that a relationship.
* inability to build attraction - beyond a certain point, your ability to build attraction has less to do with your abilities to be charming and mysterious, and MORE to do with the fact that you literally can't charm her anymore without touching her, her smelling you, feeling you, seeing you...at some point, escalation NEEDS physical contact. you can do a lot mentally/emotionally, but it just isn't enough for people who are not patient enough to wait.

the only way i see a long distance relationship working is when two people are:

- very committed to monogamy
- very interested in a deep emotional/intellectual connection (not just lovers, but friends)
- have concrete plans of getting together
- see each other regularly
- and commit to an "unspoken" routine of time together, visits, calls, etc

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Distance relationships are absolute hell, I just have no vocabulary to describe it. You literally need divine help to make it work in the end.

Yes, they are.

All of the pain.

None of the pleasure.

Think about it.

Women are a fucking pain in the ass to deal with.

But, they are fun to look at and better to fuck.

Long distance relationship =

* ALL of the pain-in-the-ass games (maybe even more than usual)

* NONE of the getting to see her, touch her, and fuck her

But, no problem. Because she will usually have another guy do that for her in the end.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Wish I could disagree with the above posts, but alas, I've been in one and can do nothing but agree wholeheartedly. Relationships of any sort are insanely stressful (at times) on their own, and if you add the whole distance factor into it, you'll eat yourself alive. You'll be more emotional than a...a girl.

What is it exactly that has caused you to become emotionally cut off and cold? And what prevented your feelings to be as strong for her as hers were for you?

My story

TLDR version is summed up by Mack perfectly, except due to work seeing each other regularly = getting naked on SPAM. I'm currently in a long distance relationship. GF back in Australia, I'm in Afghanistan (9 months with a 2 week break to see her).

I've found communication is the biggest part. Not how often or for how long you talk, but what you talk about, how you say it and what you dont talk about. The more open you are when you talk, the better as it reassurances your partner. To be able to trust someone so far away, you have to really know them and to really know them, you have to be able to talk deeply with them. Building this level of comfort does take time, but the more open you are with your discussion, the faster it will come to you.

I dont keep any secrets, sure I am entitled to my own privacy, but I dont need it. As a result, I'm not constantly asked "what are you doing? who you going it with?" which is awesome because those questions get on your nerves when they are asked everytime you're doing something.

Being afraid to hurt my GF's feelings was a mistake i constantly made in the past. I decided to "assume strength" as opposed to assuming she couldnt handle it. If I dont agree or have a differing viewpoint, I put it forward rather than hold back. As a result, we've actually had some good in depth discussions that have widened both our perspectives. This situation would have been much harder to achieve if the level of comfort was not developed. I can even safely answer the "am i getting fat/do i look fat in this question" because I know shes not going to take it to heart and she knows I'm not looking out for her. The same thing applies for me, if I'm getting fat/lazy/not doing enough I'd want her honest opinion so I can improve myself.

All these things build trust. I'm not worried about her cheating because I know her morals and values and shes not worried about me cheating because she knows mine. Although she does joke about the possibilities of me getting raped on man love Thursdays by big hairy men in turbans, she says that doesnt count as cheating.

Of course a long distance relationship cant stay long distance forever. I have plans to close up the distance, at which point I will probably disappear off the grid due to making up for all the sex we've missed out on.

Tiger, I will try to answer you question as to why i have become emotionally shut off. Basically i had a string of bad relationships, where i was hurt pretty bad. Then you have the process of learning PUA and becoming really good with women but seing how badly they can lie, cheat, or a ton of other self serving actions that happen all the time. Not sure when it happend but i just noticed that after my last relationship ended i am just not able to open up to women or get to a point where i become emotional vulnerable. Im sure this is all part of subconciously not wanting to get hurt again so i just dont put myself out there. The kicker though is that by becoming emotionally cold, it draws the women in like moths to a lightbulb. As i am the strong silent type that doesn't ever let women get to me, and they know that i can walk off at any moment. This whole "attitude" keeps women guessing and thus becoming obcessed.

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~Carmo~

I was in a very long term relationship, we seen each other everyday it became tortuous, I never had any free time to myself that killed the relationship. I became so cold to her feelings that when I broke up with her it nearly destroyed her to the point of me receiving "I hate u for what u did to me" still after a year. When we want to leave a relationship we become emotionally cold because it makes it easier to leave the relationship. But this shit comes back and bites you in the ass.

Sort the whole cold emotionally thing out before you meet the girl you really want to be with and you fuck it up by playing it to cool. Don't be emotional retard believe me speaking from experience.

I don't know about the long distance relationship never done it but hey life is about experiences good and bad.

It bit me in the ass hard too. I tried to play it cool to avoid letting it all out after I left but one day I let it all out and got really down and angry. Chased for FOUR months. Now that's a long ass depression. I don't know, sometimes you just have to go with the problem..go with your emotions until you've had enough. I've stopped chasing now. Funny thing is she loves me back. I learned a ton.