Okay, so many of you followed the break-up I had with my GF a few weeks back.

Here's the deal, we kept in touch, things were going okay, but I was no longer happy in the Relationship. She stopped 'giving back' in essence, I understood what she was looking for (comfort, most of the time) and tried to give it to her, and I did, she was happy, but the physical connection was no longer. I was a mere comfort blanket and when I felt unappreciated I plucked up the courage and said something.

Proceeding this, we fell out and back to breaking up again.

The whole thing has shown me I have some serious insecurities and inner-game issues, but so does she, we were fucked from the outset.

Me:

- I was not happy in the Relationship. Yet, I do not want to let go. I cling on the social status of having a good looking girlfriend, I long for the affection I use to feel from her, and I get wound up when I imagine her with some other guy.
- I realise that all I want is a physical connection again. I wanted to lose my virginity with this girl, is it wrong for me to want to see her outside of college (she was reluctant to do this), or wrong for me to want to act on my lust for her ?

Her:

- She has issues. She admits to them, she blames them on her Ex. I honestly sympathise with the fact they're not all her fault, which makes it more difficult for me to get angry at her.
- Her Ex (before me) was horribly insecure. Use to get crazy jealous, suffocated her and treated her badly. She told me this gave her a false sense of being happy, she felt like it was the norm. She told me that when I came along I showed her a different way, it made it difficult for her with him. It's made her afraid to drop her guard, made her crave space.

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So here's the question. Will she ever change ? I honestly don't believe it's all down to her Ex, she must have had some of these issues before him. Am I better off saying fuck it and finding someone who I can be happy with ? But then why do I almost break down when I think of her moving on before me and finding someone else. I should think "Who cares, she's just gonna make this other guy miserable" but then I know she'll act like she did in the beginning with me with someone else and it'll kill me, because I'm insecure.

I'm just lost.

PS - Should this have gone in the Lounge ?

I think you know it's not wrong for you to act on your desire for her.

With these messed up girls, all you can do is try your best to get her in the comfort zone, work with her through her issues, until you decide you can't give her what she needs. Maybe it will work or maybe it won't, you just have to see how it affects you.

to put something extra on top ... the cherry
Don't even think about her issues because who cares ? she is who she is so stop wasting time thinking about her issues because that's just pointing fingers to cover up some additional issues. im not saying she isn't responsible for some bad shit she has her part - im only saying it's useless.

When you talk about '' ME"' ..... dude these fucked up values are not you BECAUSE you are aware of them , so don't say ''me'' and don't take ownership of them because on the point of realisation you already changed and become another person - you moved closer to your inner core of confidence. that ''me'' is just some random cock sucker that lived in the past.

your not lost ..... you are just being an idiot of thinking your lost .... you are aware of your issues , most people don't even see it and jsut go on with their issues before being aware of them. you feel lost because you realize you issues but this is temporarily, the external validation feel good shit your GF gave you is also cut away now , that's the reason you probably made the realisations

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

I think that's already happened though. I was in the comfort zone and eventually the affection/attraction from her dropped and I was basically a friend being led on, and I was unhappy, so I did something about it.
How do I fix my issues ? I can't 'get over her' because the thought of her with someone after me kills me - my issue, don't know how to get rid of it, trying to organise stuff with other girls to try to though. But (here's another insecurity of mine) she's a hot girl, she'll find it much easier to get someone than me.

I know what I have going for me, I work out, I'm confident in most situations, I'm smart, ambitious, quite driven, but I lack game, I'm working on it but it's hard in a college (high school) situation.
I care because I never feel like I got what I wanted and it's like a wasted investment of my time, disappointment if you will and it's like I'm clinging on just to get what I want (physical connection again - sex, affection, intimacy).
When I was able to realise them I kinda felt a change, because the first step is to realise them, right ? Second step is to work on them, which is where I get stuck :/.
I miss the external validation. I have realised some of my issues. I don't know what to do next.

EDIT: Something else that keeps popping in to my head is her ex. Like, they were really close, and I keep beating myself up for not being able to be that close to her. Why the fuck is this killing me ?

Because you know it's something you're not doing but you don't know what it is.

From the sounds of it you are too ready to please her. She probably needs boundaries and even though the other guy was an arsehole he was dominant so that attracted her.

And if you feel like you're clinging on to get sex and affection, then that's what it will feel like to her.

It's so easy to trigger guilt in these messed up girls. They hate the thought that someone else thinks less of them because of something they did. If you act less interested, maybe even slightly hurt, and avoid her, she'll wonder what's wrong... 'course that all depends on where she's at with you. If she wants nothing but to stay away from you, that won't work, and it's over anyway - but if she likes you at all you will get some form of response. If she responds, reward good behaviour, but don't come RIGHT up to her level of enthusiasm. Let her work for your respect, show steady increments.

Your prediction has already come true - because that's exactly what I did about 4 weeks ago when we split. And yes, she came back, and I let her back in, slowly.

But the connection didn't last, again, and now this is where I am, realising my issues and feeling fucked up.

I really do have to tell myself that there is no way I can let this girl back in, right ?

I feel like our relationship suffered because we lost the fun factor we had back at the beginning.

We spoke on the phone tonight, 30 mins, just keeping it fun. If I went back to that original behaviour and just kept things fun, could I then get what I want ?

Fuck sake, I'm now rationalising shit which I know I shouldn't, but after the phone call it's the clearest my head's been all week and meant I was able to focus on my work.

*EDIT - Okay after a bit of thought here's my options imo:

1) End it on bad terms with her and block her out
2) End it on good terms with her, move on, but strong feelings will make it hard
3) Try again. Probably go well for a bit then get hurt again.
4) Try again and it stay well. But how likely is it to change ? Not very imo.

Option 2 looks the best, I just gotta learn to get those feelings under control so I can talk to her nicely and not miss her again.

Think I'm going to talk to her again and just say the truth - I still have feelings but Im not sure if it'd work again but I dont want to be off with her cause I still care for her and I want to be friends.

You shouldn't list options, that means you're not sure what you want. Decide what you want, go for it, if it doesn't work out, move on.

4 options... didn't knew you had 4 personalities ?
o yeah and the truth isn't the truth, she believes what she wants anyway.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

i once had good inner game but still got fucked up at 2..... if you don't play stupid games maybe she will and you get sucked in, even if you don't get sucked in and she calls you a dick and so forth it's still a huge blow (to your self esteem)...or a waste of time - negative conversations
better block her out and don't have contact for a few weeks, move on anyway. This whole friends thing is overrated as hell......

My last Gf tried to put me down, she dumped me over text messaging - said she liked me and it's not my fault - she isn't ready for a relationship blablabla, the day before she dumped me she want to meet my parents and told me she loves me.....lame
a week later she said i was a wuss and was acting immature ... i didn't said Anything she just opened up a convo with this... after 2 hours of bitching she apologized for her behaviour, actually i was totally over her and was trying to be nice but she kept insulting me. i put my foot down and deleted her - she was just using me as a self esteem booster every convo with her was negative no matter how nice or postive is was. After i deleted her she kept sending me messages how she met a new boyfriend ..... very lame.... i just replied i have found another bofriend as well and blocked her lol.

Girls have 2 personalities , and when you break up you won't even recognize her again.

seriously block ... don't say anything and cut her out of your life.... last time i tried to take it like a man instead of blocking and it didn't work out.
even if i become friends with my exgfs they date some chodes and i see them hooking up with massive chodes/AFC guys - i can't stand that shit. fuck that chode shit and fuck those girls - il move on and do my own thing.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

no i don't consider myself good or bad .. at that time/point i considered i ''had'' good inner game but it's never good enough. so i dropped the whole idea of having good inner game...

ummm ... when i see my ex-GF with this guy who is locally known as a abusive drug dealer, i wish her a good life -a good guy. it's normal to get over a experience and learn life lessons, afterwards im gratefull 'i've been through it and i couldn't experience it without the other person in my life. therefore im gratefull and wish the other person the best things in life, it's just who i am....

now i don't feel like i need to defend myself but seems like you are projecting the whole relationship guru thing on me which i don't like at all, i mean it's your opinion and that's ok but...it's also a big compliment which i can't accept.
because i've been through shit and instead of being a leech on the forum i decided to help/inspirate people without receiving anything in return, some people just go through same experiences.

im not saying im right and not saying im an expert ... i just have my own opinions....people shouldn't believe me at all but should take it as inspirating suggestions, i don't need anything in return and i don't need validation.
im not a relationship guru... and im not becoming one, i am my ''own guru'' - i also learn from total AFC guys or guys who need help and therefore i enjoy our interactions. Gurus claim they know everything and say other people are noobs... i make mistakes which i appreciate as much as succes and i like to interact with AFC people or people with less experience - i respect their opinion as much as guys who claim to be guru's - and of course.. i like these so called ''gurus'' to test my frame of reality.

i know you have good intentions with those 2 statements but i was talking about my past in the post so your talking about ''another person''. i know who i am and im not trying to be something - im just myself, therefore, i reject your whole validation idea of trying to be a guru.

and yes i share alot with the original poster .. i've been through the same shit AND I NEVER think im more than someone else, to me everyone is the same and we can all do the same. You hit the nail on that because you also share alot with this poster and with me, i've done things and i believe everyone can do the same.
i thank you for your concerns but im aware of my issues .

peace

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

I know I have issues, why does this mean I can't try to be rid of them and act friendly ? You know, like someone with good inner game would.
The problem here guys is that I see her Mon-Fri every week. We're at the same college, same department, our friends are friends with each other - because of us and I like her two best friends.

I don't want to be on bad terms - I thought as Alphas we didn't get pissed off or get into arguements. Besides I spent the first two days of this week in pieces because I was on bad terms with her and it was hard.
This girl's doing the same shit to me pretty much.

She wants my validation I think, wants me to chase her.

She rang me twice, I missed the calls, texted her to say I was playing football. She text me back saying "I didn't wanna talk, it's just I can't explain. Doesnt matter though x" - well I can explain. I'm not giving you the attention you crave and it's killing you. You need my validation because you're insecure as well.

I didn't respond.

Then I text her a few hours later asking if she wanted to chat (she said she did over the past couple of days. Two days ago we spent half an hour having a catchup, the day after she text me and I said we'd speak today and she said "Maybe, if you can be bothered ".

So I'm being mature, said I'd talk, I planned to tell her Option 2 from above, say that I still had feelings but it wasn't working and I want to be friends because being off with her was too hard.

She basically said no when I walked upto here, so I said "Thought you wanted to talk."

"When did I say that?"

".. yesterday"

"Don't think so."

"Stop playing games "

Get a text later: "Why you being pissy." Waited a while (had a driving lesson). "I'm not pissy :S It takes a lot to get me angry." She then text back "I'm playing games though?" I haven't responded.

You know the realllyyyyy fucked up thing. I know she's having an ego trip, trying to make me chase or whatknot.

Last time I played this game, and I won, and I got her back. This time I don't want to.

However I keep being driven not to play the games as such, but get into a position where I can go with Option 2. The thought of her moving on kills me yet I want to (I know I have issues.), and it's not that I want her to chase me (although I'm sure my ego would love it) but I don't want her to have the satisfaction of thinking I'm chasing her (because I'm not).

That's some more of my shit to analyse anyway :/ I wish it'd just stop.

PS - Should I bother responding to her text ? Should I ignore her tomorrow at college ?

well 80 - 90 % of the people you break up with are tripping on their ego in justifying or forcing validation. look you don't have to be mister nice but you can just (partly)ignore her right ? you don't know, who cares ?

look i've already told you about games other people will project on you, almost every girl i dated/relationship somehow playd games to cover up their own insecurities. All this analyzing is useless anyway because what she thinks/likes or wants can variate each different day or different moment. analyzing the interactions between you two is ok as long as you are analyzing to learn something out of it ( for yourself ) - acting trough your own intentions, how you react on this will show you how you are / deal with stuff.

it's a valuable teacher but don't get in too deep , cut it off when the time is right. if you really want to deal with this like an ''alpha '' you should do everything with you only in your mind. Every thought or action concerning her only shows you aren't fully ready to deal with this. The focus should be 100 % on you , when the focus shifts to her you should cut if off ( before getting emotional attached or whatever)

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Okay wow, I guess her motives for telling you to come by to talk, and then saying "no I didn't" stem from her trying to convince you to talk to her, and you playing it too cool... so she doesn't want to feel like the weaker one in the connection here... but seriously, wow, that is amazing that she can flat out lie. But then I guess girls make decisions with their emotions and can even re-write history in their mind, based on that.

@Lode - Don't know if I agree with being 100% only concerned about yourself. I think what you mean is not let her affect you. You can show that you're a person who cares about other people, especially someone you've shared a relationship with, but you still know bullshit for bullshit and won't take any of it. THAT'S alpha...