need help balancing out emotions with girl I'm falling for



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 6:53 am 
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I've been dating this girl for about a month now, but met her about a year ago, and we really hit it off this last month (We've already been intimate.) But it feels like I've been sucked in to some emotional vortex where my emotions are being thrown about form highs to lows, uncertainty, jealousy, confusion etc.

The thing is I can't tell if she wants me in a committed relationship or if she just wants to continue as friends, even though she has mentioned things like," so we're at least friends." I get the vibe she wants more, but I prefer to be single. But I keep feeling like giving in, even though I'm not sure that's what she wants. And I don't want to ask her what she wants cuz i feel like I'm gonna set myself up to have to tell her where I stand and I'm not sure yet. I feel like i should just give it more time.

I can't stop thinking about her. It's driving me up the wall. We get along great!!! But I've been single most of my life...

I need a break from this emotional roller coaster. I think she's trying to reel me in, but not sure. It feels like there are a lot of games being played, too. But it also feels like she really cares about me and is protecting herself too, which is understandable. And I do want to pursue this great connection we have, but it's tortuous dealing with the ups and downs.Any advice?


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 8:02 am 
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You gotta decide what you wanna do man....

If you don't want a relationship but still want be with her, be straight up with her, and maybe use the Grey Area Routine
Quote:
Grey Area Routine:
She let on that she had just come out of over three years of relationships
and had honestly never actually "dated". This explained a lot about her
behavior during the night, including her prudish behavior.

Me: "You seem like a very 'all or nothing' kind of girl."HB:
"Yeah, I guess that's how I've always been."
Me: "I used to be like that. I dated a girl for three years, but since webroke up, I've just been living in the grey-area."
HB: "What's that?"
Me: *Raises hand at about neck level* "If you think about relationships, and you say up here is a long-term relationship, with full commitment." *Puts other hand about a foot below the top hand* "...and down here is just a one night stand, absolutely no emotional involvement at all. Well, this area in between the two..." *pointing to area between hands* "...is a grey-area full of all sorts of interactions and relationships that two people can have. They can be just as fun or as fulfilling as either of the extremes, both people just have to be honest about their expectations."
HB: (they always say something like this) "I've never thought of it that way."
Me: "Yeah, and you can even move back and forth in this area as the relationship evolves."
HB: "I like it."
Me: "I do too. I think it's perfect for people our age, and in our position."
HB: "I guess I'll just have to be honest with you."
This sets expectations -- she knows you'll care about her even if you aren't fully committed to her. It will ease her as to what you expect from her, and it'll even DHV you because it's such a fucking clever way to look at the whole damn mess.
or if you want search for Adam Lyons' files, he has a post how he makes girls into "friends with interests" kind of thing similar to the grey area routine.

If you want a relationship just do the last stage Breakthrough Comfort --> talk to her as much as you can and act as she is your girl friend.
Brad P. once said that if you communicate with a girl via txt/phone more than 3 times a week you throwing yourself into a relationship, so just act as she is your girlfriend and don't do the akward question:"would you like to be my GF?" (mmm funny- bad flashbacks poppin up haha) just act as she IS your GF and sooner or later she will a DTR (determine the relationship) conversation with you or just accept the frame of a GF.

Cheers

V3nu :twisted:


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 10:49 pm 
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You're very insightful V3nu! Thank you for your great reply! She HAS been in two back to back long term relationships, and she WAS acting prudish when things would get more intimate. I do feel very strong emotions for her, don't know if it's love, but they are pretty strong caring emotions.

I liked the Grey Area idea, cuz i want to explore my emotions with her to see where they take us. I just have a great time when I'm with her and I want to keep that in my life. I even find myself not being as enthused about dating other girls that I had been dating before i met her. She's becoming a great friend, and we're becoming great lovers.

I spent this Saturday with her and she left this Sunday morning. We didn't talk about any of these things directly and I hadn't read your advice till after she left, but I feel much more at ease after spending that time with her. I feel like I picked up more on what's going on.

And you're right!! I do need to decide what I want. I think the Grey Area idea will fit our situation well because it will let us feel out where we want to go.

Thanks for your amazingly intuitive advice!!


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:20 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:43 am
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:D , you are very welcome, and update later on the post, if the routine worked or what happened, even just for me.

Cheers :)

V3nu
:twisted:


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