Okay so my fiance and i are going to the same college but she moved down a week early for band camp. I'm really insecure when it comes to relationships and she knows that and i've even made her promise me that we wouldnt drink or anything like that w/o the other. But she calls me last night asking if she can go to this guard party, shes in the color guard, where they will be drinking and then she has to walk back to her dorm with a friend. I told her i didnt want her to go and we got in a fight about, the whole time she was walking to the party with her friend. Then i finally said if you care more about going to this party then our relationship, then go. And that made her turn around and go back to her dorm. She has band practice just about all day with an hour break here and there, and i cant get this feeling of insecurity out of me. I basically sit around all day waiting for her to call, and when she does she'll only talk for a few mins. I tried hanging out with friends but it just doesnt even start to fill the void. Tonight she told me she would call after her last practice and i ended up calling about 8 mins b4 it was supposed to end b/c i wanted to talk. And she told me practice had been over for a while and she was at walmart with some people and asked if she could call me back later, i said that shes been hanging out with these ppl all day and i havent gotten to talk to her very much and i see that its too big of a problem to talk to me for a few mins so bye. I just want this feeling of insecurity to go away and i dont know how to do it... Advice would be greatly appreciated.

The more controlling you are, the more likely she is going to cheat. You need to stop controlling the relationship with your insecurities. If she has ANY integrity, she won't cheat.

To overcome your insecurity has to be 100% on your part, all I can say is think to yourself "she's not going to cheat on me". If girls are going to cheat they are going to cheat, it doesn't matter what you do or how controlling you are they are still going to cheat.

First, have a talk with her. Say you know the way you've been acting has been way to controlling and that you don't want to be that type of person. Tell her to go have fun and go to a club/bar.

Second, stop texting/calling her before she calls you. 80-90% of the time she should be the one texting/calling you. If you have not received a call or text all day and its around the time she goes to sleep, then give her a call and ask how was her day, ect....

I think Wolf's got it right.

If you get too jealous you are going to lose her.

You've gotten yourself into a routine where you need to know where she is every moment of the day. Also, you are not permitting her to be in social situations where there are likely to be around other men who might pick up on her. On these two points you are probably crossing the line a little bit.

It's totally acceptable for women to have their own life that does not involve their boyfriend for every moment of the day. It's also acceptable (but to a somewhat lesser degree) for women to meet and talk to other men. You seem to confuse these two elements with "she's going to cheat on you". There's nothing in your post that indicates that she's going to do that.

She's going to bloomin' band camp. What could be more innocent than that?

Relationships are about trust, right? You gotta learn to trust her and let her go to walmart with her friends.

down one

I dont think she would cheat on me, but there's always the chance and adding alcohol and/or drugs into the equation increases that chance, right? I just dont want her to be in a situation with alchy or drugs that would cause her to make a decision she wouldnt normally make. I talked with her about it on the phone tonight and we made a compromise that i wont mind if she goes to party's where theres drinking if its all girls, but in return she has to call me b4 and after when shes walking back to her dorm. Is that still too controlling?

Yes

Read this again. It's dead-on. One of the best analogies I have ever heard for this comes from Zan, where he that relationships are sort of like a butterfly that lands on your hand. When that happens, you have two choices: clutch it tightly until it squirms free or dies, or maybe bring it in close to you and shield it from the wind with your other hand, but give it the freedom to do what butterflies do: fly. Which sounds like a healthier relationship to you?

The only point I'd like to add is that if this girl does cheat on you, consider yourself lucky that she did it before you MARRIED her, thus saving you a lot of time and heartache you would have otherwise wasted on a relationship that wasn't worth your time.

Then again, this wouldn't even be a problem if you didn't let your fragile, ego-generated insecurities run the show.

Your boy,
870

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