I have an inkling my bf of a few months is heavily interested in the PUA technique and tips. Now, I'm not naive to think that he did not use some of these techniques on me when he first met me and that's fine with me...we fell for each other. Now we have a completely open and honest relationship and recently...we broke up (it was my decision to cut it off, he wanted to take a step back), he said I had raised the bar for him and that he's never been so happy in a relationship..but the problem was, he still had these urges to see other people and it wasn't right to continue while he was feeling this way.

He wants to settle down but make sure I am the one he wants to commit to long-term and he can't do that if he feels this way. It's fair and I'm actually glad he was honest..but of course, I was devestated because it really was out of nowhere, as we even both agreed we were doing great but I cut it off because I can't be with someone who doesn't know what he wants and he needs to figure that out.

Now I realized maybe the problem. He has a few buddies he's been teaching how to pick up women and taking them out to bars and whatnot just observing and not participating but...I feel all this has made him wonder if he can get better...or if what he had with me was truly special and what he wants. I understand maybe we rused into a relationship too quickly because if he was confident in our relationship, he would not be listening to these urges, but he is and my question to you guys is...when you are in a loving and caring relationship, do you still have the urge to go out and be a PUA again? How do you handle that and have you ever ended a good relationship to go back out in the field? What happened?

Arial, welcome to the forum.

You need to understand that PUA isn't just about getting girls. Its about being social. I've known plenty of guys with girl friends that go out with other guys (bring their girl friend) and even "game". It really depends on your comfort zone with it. You need to establish boundries in a relationship to either allow for this or not. This is something that you should talk to him about and see if its something you and him would want to try.

I know you didn't say this, but I'm assuming you may have referred to his "desire" of other women. There are three integral components to a relationship; and if all of these are satisfied he shouldn't need/want other women.

3 Components

1. Emotional Connection - This is simple, you have a level of care for one another that can't be put into words. This is what seperates the relationship from others that you've had.

2. Communication - There is nothing you aren't afraid to discuss with one another. You need to be able to talk about anything. When this is capable, there should be nothing you can't work through.

3. Sex - You have a sexual charged relationship. You sexually compatable with your partner, in that both of your desires are satiated. In the event they aren't you are willing to voice this concern.

With all three of these components present and accounted for, there is nothing you can't overcome as a couple. These are just general concepts that you should take into account concerning yourself and this guy of yours. If you have more questions beyond these explanations, just ask.

ariel welcome! always good to see another girl on here.

i'm actually dating a PUA right now, so I have an idea of where you're coming from. I have to agree with jsquared, that so much depends on having those 3 connections. boundaries are vital as well. if he knows his boundaries (and is ok with them) then perhaps he would not feel dissatisfied. it all comes down to communication. often that means wading through the surface feelings to get to the nasty root of the problem. it's not always easy, but it can be done.

did you ever go out with your bf when he was teaching?

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the place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum...

Hi all, thanks for the warm welcome!

Yes, my ex is a very social guy and I'm sure a part of the enjoyment is the fact that he is out there meeting new people, not necessarily with any intent to sleep or date the women he meets. The problem is, he feels GUILTY doing this or wanting to do this while in a relationship because the fact of the matter is....what if he ends up gaming while with me and meets someone he's tempted to know further? I guess he was not confident in our relationship enough to risk putting himself in that potential situation. We are fairly new and I think part of why this is happening now is that he felt its better to do this now then later.

Jsquared, you are completely right in that we must be missing SOMETHING in our relationship for him to still "need/want" other women...he couldn't answer what that was, he honestly said nothing was missing and it was the happiest relationship he's been in but for some reason, he still had urges...perhaps he is not telling me something, but for him to leave our break-up open, I feel he is just confused and not really sure if he wants more or can get more. I think this break-up is part of our open communication that we have with each other...he was honest to tell me and I think cutting it off with him is in fact sort of working it out with him...as I wish we could've worked this out together, perhaps it is best for him to be alone and figure things out himself.

flypapermeems( so nice to see another girl here!), I have been out with my bf while he was teaching and while I was perfectly fine with that, I think the problem is that he wished he could actually be a PUA again with his "team" and not just teach...thus our break-up

I guess the bottom line is, he feels ethically wrong wanting to still practice PUA techniques while with me and I don't think I can be with someone who practices if he's not confident he can resist temptation. I think for him to want to be with me exclusively again, he will have to retire from the "game" altogether and WANT to do so...is that possible?

Hey, to be honest, I didn't ready any of the responses, so excuse me if I'm repeating anyone.

1- welcome

2- To your question. I have been around here for some time now and I've dated, I've had girlfriends etc. Anyways, I'm a flirt. I like to attract. It's like sport fishing, I'll reel them in and let them go. To me, it's not about hooking up with anyone else, it's about the good feeling, the dopamine response.

3- If you feel that you made the right decision, good for you. People have urges, it's all about will power.

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Life is a game. Win.

Ariel, one of the things you need to understand is that someone who possesses the social skills of a PUA doesn't "practice their ability". When you achieve the state of being an attractive male, its not something you do; its who you are. Think of the man you fell for, part of him is that confident attractive male that he may have gained from the community.

As to the concept of "temptation", he needs to decide for himself and figure out what matters. There is nothing wrong with being a flirt, and flirting with other girls. He has to learn to just not "push" like he would to get something from them.

The fatal flaw I see personally, is a lack of communication. He wasn't upfront with you about this. Thus, you didn't get the chance to work through it together. Part of being in a relationship is to accept challenge head on together, and approach the problem together. I suggest you talk to him about whats going on in his head, and in yours. The maybe you can come to some common ground and achieve a mutual base for future progression.

One factor no one seems to have addressed in this is the age of those involved. Of course it can be argued that, as the old techno song says, "age ain't nothin' but a numba," but the fact that a certain level of emotional maturity only comes with age is not widely disputed.

The OP doesn't mention how old her or her former boyfriend were when all this went down, but I would be willing to bet you're both fairly young. Accordingly, I'd also be willing to bet his indecision over exactly how serious of a relationship he wants to be in with you probably stems from the nearly universal need all young people have to "sow their oats."

Everybody has a certain level of discontent with their lives, no matter how fantastic of a situation they may find themselves in. It's human nature, and it's necessary: that discontent is what pushes us forward and forces us to continue to grow as people. When you're young, this often gets misinterpreted as a need to "see what else is out there" and avoid being tied down to a relationship. Of course the enlightened man later realizes that the best kind of relationships don't tie you down at all, but that's a topic for another thread.

In any case, welcome to the forum arial. If you have some time you should check out the chat link in the tool bar at the top of the page. That's where several of the regulars waste their day-- uhh, I mean, have productive conversation

Your boy,
870

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"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

http://tinyurl.com/c6lbje<-Member Journal (PMZ Only)

First let me start by welcoming you as the others have.

Yes I still have a urge to go out and "Game", but as jsquared stated, being a PUA is much more then just getting girls. PUA use the methods they have learned in all aspects of life. In this sense it is very difficult to completely shut out the life of a PUA once you enter a relationship (for that matter I would say for most it is impossible) However, with that being said, I have never ended a good relationship to retrieve part of my PUA lifestyle. This leads me to believe that in some way a component that jsquared mentioned may be missing. All in all though, if the relationship was as good as it apeared to be in your original post then you have nothing to worry about. He may go out and meet other people, do his thing, or whatever, but in time he should realize that he threw away a good thing with you.

Hi all,

Thanks for all the great responses. It's really helped me a lot...
FYI, I'm 25 and he's 27.

I do agree 870 on that universal need to "sow our oats". My ex is yes getting to that age where he might have to start thinking of settling down, but not old enough where he is in a desperate position (socially speaking). And as a person, he is the type that is NEVER satisfied or content, esp when it comes to business. He is always striving for better or more...and I'm sure being a PUA only enforces that as far as getting to know women and people in general. He feels it probably lets him attract and meet the best possible people for HIM. Maybe he felt tempted in the fact that he didn't explore all his options...? And yes, he is probably not enlightened to the fact that good relationships shouldn't make you feel tied down...it should actually be the opposite. That's why I am a little hurt he may have left because he felt trapped...that was not my intentions nor have I done anything to purposely made him feel that way. I wonder if being a PUA allows him freedom within himself that he enjoys so much he had to leave...

Winter's chill, I completely agree with you in that I must have confidence in what we had...if it really was as good as I thought it was, I must know he will not be able to , or find it hard, to find that with anyone else. But of course, I cannot keep waiting, I am just really curious about what led him to this decision and how he may come back if he continues being a PUA.

Arial,,, welcome to the forum. I must say, you've gotten some very thoughtful and wise responses. 870 hit my feelings on it. For young people , they can destroy good relationships on purpose because they know it's too early to settle down and get married. Seems like this guy is very honest about things, so I like him for that.

One thing that hasn't really been discussed is what you want. Do you want to passively ride this out and see what happens? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. This forum is to help guys influence the ladies which I think is great. But I totally respect the ladies having some game and making things happen for themselves.

What's your plan here?

I think it is also important to note that a guy is going to tell you the truth about his feelings toward being exclusive or open. So if he is saying that he doesn't want a committed relationship right now, rest assured he is being honest with you. It definitely hurts, but at least he isn't leading you on with hopes of a committed relationship. I think you were smart to end that because in the end, if you stay in that relationship, he wins and you lose. He would have the freedom to see other women (so he would) and you would stick around hoping that if you work really hard, that one day he will change his mind.

I know many guys (PUAs included) that can have deep feelings for a woman but not commit. Sometimes, if the guy isn't ready to have a girlfriend it just isn't going to happen and you can't force it.