I met my girlfriend from a social networking site. Everything was perfect for 3 months. Brilliant. She said she had never loved anyone as much.

I'll shorten the story- we later split up because of a silly argument. But kept in close contact and she always said she missed me and sent me texts all the time. She was literally begging for me back.

Now recently (about 1 month after the breakup) she has agreed to give us another try and make things work.

But i feel like am being used as a backup. I say this because she doesn't give me much attention anymore, like something is destracting her. And on her social networking profile she always flirts with alot of guys, is always putting up new pictures and today changed her profile so it says she is looking for a relationship despite the fact that she says we're going to give things another go!

When i ask her about this, she gets angry, snappy and just says im paranoid!

I'm looking for your expert advise and help. I knoiw i've made a mistake somewhere along the line after reading some articles on here, It looks like she has the power and i am no longer the alpha male. It feels like she is using me as a backup incase she cant find anyone else/better.. Please any help in turning the situation around would be greatly welcomed.

Any genuine advise given will be used and i'll report back on how the situation developes so people can analyse and see if its working.

Thanks

go sarging and find a new girl, this one already knows how to work you so things are unlikely to change without you coming off as a dick. it seems like you have a small case of one-itis too, so go sarging and forget about her.

-teen

You are right mate, she's my first ever girlfriend i think that is why it's so hard to let go.

The thing is, I left her and just two weeks ago she was literally begging to see me. Begging to have me back. I sat back and played it cool for a bit too long, i think she got bored as that's when she started looking for other guys and putting loads of new pics up.

Isn' there anything i can do here atall to turn things around? She tells me she is preparing herself to go out with me again and i'm being paranoid. Should i give her the benefit of the doubt and let her have a little time and space.

Should i start taking new pictures and flirting with other girls, last time i did this she got jelous..

Could walking away possible make her want me back? I'm willing to try anything to save this one guys.

I wanted to add i dont mind being a dick to make her want me again. I'm willing to do anything even if it may risk losing her. Just want to know i tried.

I've thought of flirting with loads of other girls to make her jelous.

I've thought of telling her we're not wrking and i'm moving on.

Whats the best thing to do here? And how shall i word it best to make her want me again if i say im moving on?

She's giving out her number to loads of guys now, its rediculous. She's taking the piss. From perfect girlfriend to complete bitch and i understand probably all my fault, being to nice to her.

Word of the wise - dating sites are riddled with people who have social issues, in my experience. Go there if you want a high percentage of fruit cakes. She seems to be supporting my viewpoint.


Not a lot of give and take here, so yeah it's really looking like she has the power.

Just so you know - your attitude should not be: "Oh geez, she's losing interest, I better start doing nice things to make her like me..." that will certainly make things worse. Out of all the things you could do, THAT one will certify failure. So don't even think about it. You don't reward people for disrespecting you, that ALWAYS backfires.

Also you should not mirror her by flirting with other girls etc. This isn't direct enough, and is very obviously a "retalliation", which is bad two-fold - you are obvoiusly hurt and affected by this, and are responding in an emotional way, and secondly it's just another arrow in her quiver for reasons to hate you or something to use against you in an argument. You should be doing what YOU want to do, not something obviuosly intended to hurt someone else.

Instead, your attitude should be: Yes, the relationship IS looking shakey, and will be over unless some big change happens. She does this disrespectful stuff, so you should be losing interest, that's just the way it is. You're not at fault for finding this behaviour atrocioius. It's just not on. People will respect you more for this.

After that, best case, she back pedals and tries to get with you again and clean up her act. Worst case, she realises her game isn't working on you and comes clean, or most probably - screams at you, insults you, and tells you its over by accusing you of the very things that she was doing, and your jaw will hit the floor in disbelief - if her personality type is what I think it is, try not to be too surprised if this happens. She is just trying to justify it to herself - deep down she knows the truth. Either way you can both move on.

Once you have that attitude, the choices should become clear. For example (and this is just me) there are some things I probably would have done earlier - but if you were to drop me in at this point, it's too far - I'd be telling her something like "I know you've been telling me you're giving it another go, but your actions speak differently. If you want to break up, just say it to my face." and leave it there. If she tries to defend herself - don't step down to her level and reason with her, for goodness sakes - her behaviour doesn't warrant it. Just tell her "I'm not interested in debating this with you - boyfriends and girlfriends do not list themselves as "available" on their profile and openly flirt with other people." and stand your ground. Do not justify anything she tries to ask you about at that point, and do not entertain her excuses by trying to point out their flaws.

Bottom line is, you go downhill when you reward people for bad behaviour, and this situation has to end, whether she cleans up her act or you both move on. This situation is only hurting you and making you feel like a dick, which will carry over into other areas of life.

Thanks for the response. I understand what you have said exactly, i should of acted sooner. With hindsite I can see my errors. I was too nice. I was a wussy. Not cool.

I have been reading a few articles on this site and another. It appears I have a couple of options available.

I need to show her i will not tolerate ANY disrespect and i will NOT tolerate her current behaviour. If it doesn't stop immediately it's over.

How can I do this? I could possibly freeze her out, I could ignore her completely for a while and see how she reacts.

Or I could send her a message along the lines of what you suggested. I was thinking of sending something along the lines of '' You told me you wanted to give us another go, but your actions speak differently. I want you to think carefully about what your doing. THe games either stop NOW, or your going to lose the best thing that will ever happen to you''

What do you think of that? Or should i tell her it's ending now and not to bother contacting me again until she's changed her ways and wants to come back on my terms.

Any other input appreciated. I know this is the final chance to change things around and give me back the power.

i would recommend having a D&M talk with her, which could be the fact that you want to move on, but would feel guilty for her (its not lying, its flirting). then once you've finished, freeze her out.

almost 10/10 times this works

-teen

Hey man - looks like you are lucky enough that we happen to be posting at the same time - but don't let that make you feel like you need to act fairly quickly on this. I often find that stuff I write or say in a fit of emotion is much more damaging and useless than if I write something down, sleep through the night, and wake up with a clear head and think about it. I nearly ALWAYS completely re-write my first thing at that point. In fact I use that first opportunity to let all my emotions out into my writing. Then the next day I can look at it on a higher level, and consider what really matters.

Even if the only option at this point is breaking up - you want a GOOD break up. You want something that you can look back on that will empower you, for being the better person, for improving yourself. Not yet another situation where you are thinking "Ah geez if I had have just waited a bit, I could have said this, instead of this, argh..."


I can't tell you exactly what to do, you kind of have to feel the vibe, because of course you are the best person to make the final choice, actually being in the situation.

But I would suggest freezing out is a more subtle thing you can do early on, when she's actually capable of feeling guilty for her actions, and it looks like she's losing you. At this point it doesn't look like she's caring too much about that. Maybe you could step up to freezing first, just to try it, if you've never done it with her - see what she does. But my first thought is that, that takes time, and might look like you're just being grumpy, instead of losing interest, because what she's doing is just too bloody obviously disrespectful. Again, think on it. But think clearly and high level, and wait till the next day if you need a chance to clear your head.

If you go for confrontation - don't do it through electronics Be a man and talk to her face to face. You are not a person to hide behind text and find it easier to "open up" in writing. And if you are, then you need the face to face experience anyway. Take your time to think about what you'll say and then when you do, speak from the heart, don't sound rehearsed. Hold in your mind what is so wrong about what she's doing and go from there. You will find some of the words you thought of earlier as you go, and it will sound more natural.

And that message that you came up with, based on what I said - as long as it really speaks what you feel needs to be said, and succintly, then it is good. I wouldn't add "you will lose the best thing that ever happened to you" because that's an outrageous claim and is obviously fabricated to make her feel guilty. Just boil the situation down to its essential facts - eg. that part should really say something like "you will lose me."

Thanks for the replies guys.

She says she doesn't feel ready to see me again at the moment so I cannot speak to her in person. I did suggest this at the time of breaking up.

So it looks like if i go down this root then I will have to send her a message electronically unfortunately.

I think what i have decided to do, is act like i don't care about her actions. I'll freeze her out completely and act like i'm moving on. I'll start flirting again with lots of other girls to create the desirable illusion. Maybe that will work.

If not, after freezing her out for a period of time I think i will suggest we have a D&M talk face to face. Can you guys point me in the direction of helpful articles, i don't know much about ''freezing'' her out, i presume it simply means ignoring her completely. What would you do when she starts chasing though?