Hello All fucked up!
Let me start by saying that the fact that you already know that your feelings are a poison to yourself, and I say to yourself only right now for a reason... Yes it is a poison to the relationship as well, BUT what is going on with you, as you already know, and on a very mature level I might add,,, is only going to continue in each and every relationship that you are involved in. You see b/c the problem you are describing has nothing to do with the other person at all. It is all within you and only you. You are right on the money when you say that it is some deep rooted insecurities. I had these same issues once, but I overcame my issues by finding out exactly WHY I felt the way I was feeling. It was amazing! I just went and talked to this lady who considers herself an "emotional based therapist". Apparently I had unresolved issues of a very egotistical time in my life (4yrs old) my brother died of leukemia and I was a perfect match to be a bone marrow donor. Well. he died in the hospital a few days after the transplant (he was eight). So it wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I actually found out that the reason I was insecure with myself was coming from this tragic event in my life. It was mostly my subconscious that was causing me to be guarded and unavailable and mostly mistrusting of any person that I was with.. Once I knew the root of my issues it was like something inside me just clicked, and I understood what I had to do to change. It took a lot of effort, for a long time, I'm not going to lie. I would literally go into the bathroom and look at myself up close right into my eyes and repeat these words until I felt like I believed it. I would say this; "The things that you think she is doing to you right now are not true, they are all lies made up in your head, there is no rational reasoning for thinking that she is cheating on you or being dishonest, it is all in your head!! She loves you and it is not in her character to do anything even remotely close to (whatever it was at the time). And then, I know this sounds crazy, but it works and you should be alone when you do it, if you do. I would tell myself to knock it the fuck off before I lose this person because who in the hell wants to be with someone who acts like an asshole due to their own insecurities... It gets old real quick, I also read a book called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, one short chapter changed my life. I became so independent and so filled with confidence and self esteem that it didn't matter to me anymore if a relationship didn't work out. I tell you what, I am in a relationship right now with someone who has the exact same problem. I think medication might be in order though in this case. jk, I hope! Anyway bottom line is, until you change the way you feel about you, by finding the root of the issue and dealing with it head on, all of your relationships will be exactly the same. I'm a firm believer that you have to have self love first and foremost before you can love anybody else,, how are you going to give away something you don't have??
CHAT