Hello from Ireland,
How I Got Here
I read Mark Manson's book about six months ago and it completely changed my outlook. I wasn't looking to just meet more women, but gain a better understanding of why this area is so painful for me.
I gave up pornography 50 days ago and that was another massive step forward. I now have genuine drive to meet women and I don't spend 7+ hours a week fapping.
I have literally spent the last 5 hours or so reading posts here. When I get obsessed with a topic, I absolutely have to keep learning.
I've had three one night stands in the past month. They were not all pretty. But man I have had 16 month spells without kissing a girl. It feels good to make progress though I would rather have made a real connection.
Working Things Out
Not all PUA advice resonates with me. To be honest I really don't like some of it - but I don't think that's unusual. People should listen to all sides and make up their mind rather than accepting doctrine. Sometimes I don't like a certain person's attitude and sometimes I feel mixed about a certain PUA topic. Here are my main two areas of confusion, maybe some of the experienced guys here can help me...
Concern 1: Being Dominant/Alpha
I understand that women want men to lead the date. And that they have a biological need to feel secure with the person. But I am very egalitarian in nature. In my ideal relationship my partner and I would be equals. Sometimes it seems women are turned off by respect and this thought is depressing. The last girl I slept with didn't want to take things further but thanked me for 'being a gent and being so nice'. This isn't an insult but it feels like one. Especially after reading No More Mr Nice Guy.
I don't want to be the guy who dominates the conversation within a social group. To be honest I never really get along with these types of guys. I like everyone to have a voice when I hang out with other people.
Concern 2: Deciphering the meaning of Confidence
I work in an engineering job. If you get too sure of yourself you start making mistakes. It bothers me that an impression of confidence is what girls use to discriminate. In some contexts confidence is inappropriate. What exactly do people mean when they use this word? Can you be confident and vulnerable at the same time? How much of it requires self-delusion? A lot of assholes have confidence and a lot of good people don't - not everybody...I know. Do I actually want to become 'confident'?
Current Methods
Every sexual experience I have had has been after a night out drinking (see Irish
). I normally just approach and start asking her questions about herself. Recently I have walked the streets and asked girls for directions or the time in order to reduce approach anxiety.
My Goals
I want to get this stuff straight in my head. I want to learn as much as I can; then develop an approach I am ethically comfortable with.
I need to hurt less when rejected. I am tired of ridiculous irrational pain when snubbed by a girl I barely know. I want to stop feeling like a monster for just wanting to walk over and talk to a woman.
I want to treat other people well. Both the women I am approaching and the men I compete with.
I am also realizing that fantasy is really bad for my mind. I am trying to switch it off when I catch myself. A strong imagination is not always a good thing.
Thanks for reading,
VerticalSea
CHAT