wow incredible story!! welcome to the board. I'm gonna hit your inbox I'd like to hear more.
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I'm trying to regain the mojo I had in my youth. I'm a white guy born in Berkeley CA in 1969 and raised in Oakland CA.
I lived the life that Too $hort sang about in freaky tales as a teenager while gaining local notoriety as a graffiti artist from 1975-1989). This was during the rise and birth of hip hop in the Bay Area.
I lost my virginity at 13 (to a 16 year old Hawaiian/Mexican girl who was super hot) in 1982 and was extremely promiscuous after that (kept a list with <100 that I had sex with etc) in high school. I mostly had Mexican girls, Asian, Vietnamese, phillipina, white but also an Muslim Jordanian Arabian girl (whom I impregnated and she eventually got an abortion) when I was 16 years old in 1985.
However, where I was a player as a teen, I always had accepted and entered into monogamous bf/gf relationships through this period as well settling for one at a time and did so up to and into my 20's after constantly playing the field when I was a teen.
Some notable gf were Lisa (Hawaiian) Sonia (Jordanian) Myhanh (Vietnamese) Laura (Mexican) Linda (Mexican) but sprinkled heavily in between these relationships were girls I met during my running around and traveling the streets as Blaze the graffiti writer.
I also was a cocaine, marijuana, alcoholic and did whatever drugs I liked (other than heroin) during this time as well with my local neighborhood friends.
I've always had approach anxiety however and consistently had eights/nines but the elusive tens (at least in my mind) we're put onto a pedestal by me. Not until I reached St. Elizabeth high school (where I was the new kid, and I had some established notoriety) did I pursue tens. Girls like Tess and Valerie and Patricia (the hottest girls in school). When I got kicked out of Catholic school for being this notorious graffiti artist, is when my drug use escalated and the quality of girls decreased but the quantity increased. Eventually though after my dad died in 1984, I was emancipated and my girlfriend Laura's mother got me my own place. I began monogamous relationships. First with Laura then with Linda who had a child. Meanwhile my cocaine addiction rose until I basically killed myself overdosing on cocaine. I moved away to Virginia, after a moment of clarity, and a spiritual awakening / near death experience that scared me off cocaine.
When I moved to Virginia/DC area for college I focused on making up for dropping out and getting kicked out of high school by immediately getting my GED and then going to Northern Virginia community college and my social game suffered big time and social anxiety rose through the ceiling now my being on the East Coast moving from the West Coast. I also focused on working 2 to 3 jobs at a time and making money during this period (1990-1995) trying to move out of my sisters house into my own place. This is when I would go out nightly to the club scenes of Northern Virginia and Washington DC nightly, during the time when raves were popular and I would go out every night with a wingman (Darrell Wax) who was more socially awkward than me (because he had an acne problem but eventually he cleared that up) occasionally we'd get lucky, but not often. I had quit cocaine but my drinking really escalated during this period.
Bored, lonely and working two jobs, attending full time college and going to clubs nightly, I began calling and meeting girls off of telephone chat lines and traveling to meet them. Many were catfish and very low quality until I met and impregnated my first wife (back then I say she was about an eight) who was from here in Wisconsin (18 yrs ago) while I was visiting here for a week in 1995. We only had sex once and that was enough to get her pregnant. However we were very different and just not compatible. I went back to Virginia with her and it was no surprise that it didn't work out, she moved back here to Oshkosh Wisconsin where she was from with our child before he was even born in 1995. I moved to Alabama in pursuit of a relationship that didn't work in 1996 then back to California for a while (1996-1997) until I could save enough $ to move to WI to be a father to my child. Everyone thought I was crazy moving from California to Wisconsin in order to be a father to a child whose mother and I didn't get along. In fact my child's mom had lawyers believing I was going to steal him simply because nobody would move from California to Wisconsin to step up and be a dad, and she was believed and I was look at through very skeptical eyes and began supervised placement one hour a week supervised by my child's mother sister, I had to graduate eventually to halftime placement which I didn't get for years.
Shortly after moving here to Oshkosh Wisconsin, however and through this entire ordeal, I met another girl (Angie) from a chat line (she was about a nine) who I moved in with in 1998 (and eventually married in 2002). I believe her to be my soulmate but The relationship had so much pressure from the custody battle with my first wife, my pursuit and going to law school as a student not making much money her just starting a career as a therapist, her being a daughter of alcoholics and her being bipolar both of which I knew nothing about. I fucked it up by being so incredibly stressed out while going to law school and fighting for custody of my son constantly through our relationship. We were also always trying to have our own child and dealing with money and her infertility problems. I was a control freak and became emotionally verbally and eventually became physically abusive once, having grabbed her hair just before she left me for good. I didn't fight the charge and pled guilty and got convicted of misdemeanor battery and we were divorced in 2009. I was completely emotionally devastated. I loved this woman with all my heart, and although I made huge mistakes I thought that we would be together forever and got married in the catholic church accordingly. This was after she and I tried to get pregnant for so long (1999-2007) and eventually having exhausted all other avenues (which was another huge stress on our relationship) we had a child through in vitro fertilization / egg donation (in Argentina). It took us two tries and was successful on the second trip to Argentina. God blessed me with the daughter that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I actually saw her come to life as a spark on the screen during the injection into the uterus of her mom. Maria is the light of my life and my six-year-old daughter, Maria Christina is pretty much my reason for living. After the break up with her mom instead of facing it I lived in denial and bitterness and resentment and I pretty much kept myself high on marijuana and prescription painkillers from 2009 to 2012 and became a recluse and socially just a sidekick to another younger guy who I partied, got drunk and did drugs with who was the alpha male of our group. He had kids around my child's age but never married their mother and was a big player after hours, when she would go to bed we got high and would go out to clubs.
However six months ago, after a vacation with this couple, where they almost reconnected but didn't because of his alcohol and drug use. I decided I didn't want to be like that so I got clean and sober. So now I have to try and face the fact that my baby mama's Angie is not coming back, she is done with me and has moved on, and I'm trying, all by myself (and through the help of AA and 12 step group, and a sponsor) how to stay sober, feel real feelings again and get my confidence and my mojo back. Through my own research and searching for self-help ways to do this I've come across the PUA/pick up artist sites, books, YouTube videos etc. so I've been studying to try to get my game back. So here I am. I'm currently a practicing lawyer Who has social anxiety. i've had my own struggling solo practice since 2005. I'm 6 foot tall 255 pounds so slightly overweight but otherwise I know I'm very handsome. I have approach anxiety. I occasionally go on very few and far between dates (through plenty of fish online dating site) but I've still got this "nice guy" and people pleasing syndromes and I end up in the friend zone with any hot women of quality. Occasionally I can get off with low-quality women but I feel they're beneath me afterwards and I'm not really attracted to them. So I need to get my game back. It actually kind of pisses me off that girls are so fucking stupid to have a 'friend zone' instead of wanting and responding to these nice men they go for more asshole 'alpha' males and then they complain that they get their feelings hurt by them. But I know that I have to just accept that is the case, quit my bitching and put on my big boy pants and therefore back off being the nice guy and instead sharpen my game and my skills and go back in for the kill. I need what you PUAs have and what I once had when I was a teenager. I just hope I can find either a bunch of fun girls to play with and be satisfied with that or at least one 'right' intelligent girl that I can love and respect and who I don't eventually resent for being so susceptible to this game. My ex-wife Angie, who I was (am?) totally in love with (but I realize and I'm trying to get over) is like totally susceptible to game and it just angers and pisses me off to no end. When our relationship ended we weren't having sex and fucking and although she's effectively discrete I know that she must have guys in her life and it fucks with my head.
I know I need to Move on, get over her, get my mojo back, get back out there in the game, put myself back out there into social scenes etc. it's just very difficult and right now I'm in (and trying to get out of being stuck in) self awareness /improvement mode.
So, that being said, Judge me as you will but, this is honestly who I am and why am here. I am trying to learn all this stuff I haven't read the game yet but I want to. I'm trying to sharpen my texting and my plenty of fish profile. I no longer drink or smoke marijuana and have been clean for six months so I haven't been hanging out in the bars/clubs. In fact I've been very isolated and not even hanging out with my wing men /friends anymore because they'll be drinking and the only thing to do here in Wisconsin is pretty much drink at bars or get high afterward. So I'm very socially isolated especially in the winter with freezing temperatures and tons of snow which all suck! Any tips tricks or suggestions especially on negs that translate through text message or through online profiles, getting them from texting back and forth through the profiles to my home or out. Any tips on sexting (girls seem to want to do that a lot) and somehow escalating that to a real-life situation. And simply approach anxiety where to, when to, and how to get over that three seconds of terror. The approach the opening etc. all tips tricks and suggestions welcome. Good luck to you all and thank you I hope to learn from all of you.
CHAT