PUA Forum :: relationship- friends with benefits backfired?

my opinion.
You have displayed your beta maleness to her compared to the "ex" you got out of his way, you had a claim, and you let him walk in and do whatever he wanted. In a primitive culture, you would now be viewed as the "lesser man" and now she has a little bit of buyers remorse when she was hooked up with you. Because you're not claiming what is yours... a perfect move would be getting her over to your place while he was in town... showing that you respect not doing things with him in the same room, but you still want what you can get, this would make you the alpha, even in the face of the old bf, you're not afraid. But you didn't, so you now have to work so much more if you want to keep this relationship. Like I said, if we were in primitive hunter/gatherer times, you would be gathering for her new hunter. or... old hunter. Your "alpha" ness has been completely crushed. My plan would be more than just a mini-freeze out, I would punish her for her indifference, and get another girl, and wave it in her face. spike some jealousy, three doors down you say? make the new girl scream her head off. that is if you want to salvage the FWB, I would say the relationship has run it's course, move on, get another chick dude. next time, stick to your alpha male-ness

froze her out for a week and the next time we hung out she very subtly turned me down for sex.

my mate said i should talk to her and say i get it mentioning the following 3 points.

basic three points:

you understand that she has probably been nagged by her ex, to be faithfull and get back toghter, and if she really wants to commit to that, then thats great and he seems ok.

you loath the notion that all the time you have spent with her has to be forgotten, and think its silly oin a way, that she has to miss out on her break while she is away from canada.

you respect thier relationship, and dont mean that you wanna strip off and fuck around the clock for the next 3 and a half hours, nor do you have to be best friends. you would just hate if you couldent hang out again.

looking at the entire situation it doesnt look good, im aware of that. my plan is to go over there and make the points my friend has come up with, maybe not the valuing their relationship part but in general yeah. if i dont get the response i m after then i will happily move on, i mean what else can be done. i have been gaming other girls ever since she got back and gave me the cold response. unfortunately i do have an attachment to her which is a little too strong which is as annoying as fuck but what can i do. its one of those situations where i just wish everything could go back to the way they were. like 99% of relationships out there i suppose

Quote:

Wow, you couldn't of been more off base. "Buyer's remorse" when he has been fucking her for almost a month? Please, look up that definition. Also he isn't a "lesser man" because the boyfriend had a 4 year relationship with her and HE would of looked even more needy had he tried to hang out when it is obvious that her ex-boyfriend "first love" is visiting. You have terrible advice.

Quote:

I was on board with your friend's assessment, that the ex-boyfriend came back and pleaded his case. Then fucked her, and the sex for her was going to be good and comfortable, because let's face it they were in a relationship for 4 years. This means that she was JUST HAVING A FLING WITH YOU DUDE!!!!

So, I agree on the diagnosis that your friend made, and freezing her out is seriously the best option. However, out of those 3 choices, the last two are ABSOLUTELY THE WORST! Don't tell her you value the relationship, because let's be honest you don't NEED her friendship and you definitely don't NEED her pussy (You're still going out with other girls, right?). She is moving back, she has chosen to stop sleeping with you and that was the extent of the relationship yall had. This means she is basically saying, "It's over."

So my suggestion is to permanently freeze her out, stop talking to her all together. Go about your business, start gaming other women, and FORGET about her. Friend's with benefits is always dangerous, because you seem to be getting attached to this girl, and not the other way around.

Author:	chase202 [ Mon Apr 12, 2010 7:35 pm ]
Post subject:	relationship- friends with benefits backfired?
hey guys i have a relationship question i am at college and have been in a friends with benefits relationship i met in the first week at school. we slept together plenty of times in the first 4 weeks of the relationship but kept it very casual as she is here on a 6 month semester exchange. works for me friends with benefits seemed too good to be true. anyways the complication was that prior to her meeting me she organized for her exboyfriend (4 years relationship and she broke it off with him 4 months ago) to come over for 2 and a half weeks to travel during spring break. anyways i acted indifferent to him coming over and met him briefly. so when he was here he slept in her bed and presumably they slept together at some point over the two weeks. no big deal really, it was going to happen and who was i to say what she can and cant do, well that was the frame i was projecting anyways, right or wrong. neither of us ever verbally said we liked each other except for the night before he arrived and after sex i said to her that i liked her (thought it be best to stake my claim at least, reduce the ambiguity of the situation for her). anyways i acted very non needy over the two weeks eg. only responded to her text mesaasges, never sent any to her, no calls etc. so two weeks go by, he leaves and im thinking i will give it a few days for her to get make into her normal frame of mind. anyways the night after he left that morning she drunk texts me, in the same manner as she had done before (subtext=come over i want to fuck). with me being sexless for 3 weeks and optimistically thinking one night and everything will go back to normal, went over (literally 3 doors down the hall). so i get there, we watch 30 rock and chat for a bit, but the whole time she shows disinterest. i stayed for 20 minutes then left. so i head over 2 days latyer to just hangout. shes studying (more disinterest) then she gets dressed to hang with friends. i mean we havent hung out in 3 weeks and she doesnt want to even talk. benefits or no benefits, we are still friends? day after i facebook chat and say im coming over. shes says no cause she is studying (never happened before and i used to go over there everyday before the ex came over). so im thinking....im fucked my thinking is that she doesnt want to be a slut but that still doesnt explain the general disinterest. so my plan is to mini freezeout for a week as any contact will appear as neediness and shes fucking cold at the moment. pretty frustrating when things were so hot before the break. i chatted to a mate of mine who is in on the game and his read on the situation is that the ex came over to plead his case (he knows about me) and as such he would have associated alot of negativity towards her relationship with me and that it will take time for her to shake it now that he has left. my plan is to give her a week and then hangout again and see what happens obviously im looking for some advice as to what the fuck is going on here and her thinking. if anyone can repost this in the relationship section that would be greatly appreciated. thanks

Author:	Captn [ Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:56 pm ]
Post subject:
my opinion. You have displayed your beta maleness to her compared to the "ex" you got out of his way, you had a claim, and you let him walk in and do whatever he wanted. In a primitive culture, you would now be viewed as the "lesser man" and now she has a little bit of buyers remorse when she was hooked up with you. Because you're not claiming what is yours... a perfect move would be getting her over to your place while he was in town... showing that you respect not doing things with him in the same room, but you still want what you can get, this would make you the alpha, even in the face of the old bf, you're not afraid. But you didn't, so you now have to work so much more if you want to keep this relationship. Like I said, if we were in primitive hunter/gatherer times, you would be gathering for her new hunter. or... old hunter. Your "alpha" ness has been completely crushed. My plan would be more than just a mini-freeze out, I would punish her for her indifference, and get another girl, and wave it in her face. spike some jealousy, three doors down you say? make the new girl scream her head off. that is if you want to salvage the FWB, I would say the relationship has run it's course, move on, get another chick dude. next time, stick to your alpha male-ness

Author:	chase202 [ Tue Apr 20, 2010 3:54 pm ]
Post subject:
froze her out for a week and the next time we hung out she very subtly turned me down for sex. my mate said i should talk to her and say i get it mentioning the following 3 points. basic three points: you understand that she has probably been nagged by her ex, to be faithfull and get back toghter, and if she really wants to commit to that, then thats great and he seems ok. you loath the notion that all the time you have spent with her has to be forgotten, and think its silly oin a way, that she has to miss out on her break while she is away from canada. you respect thier relationship, and dont mean that you wanna strip off and fuck around the clock for the next 3 and a half hours, nor do you have to be best friends. you would just hate if you couldent hang out again.

Author:	jackb1900 [ Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:45 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: my opinion. You have displayed your beta maleness to her compared to the "ex" you got out of his way, you had a claim, and you let him walk in and do whatever he wanted. In a primitive culture, you would now be viewed as the "lesser man" and now she has a little bit of buyers remorse when she was hooked up with you. Because you're not claiming what is yours... a perfect move would be getting her over to your place while he was in town... showing that you respect not doing things with him in the same room, but you still want what you can get, this would make you the alpha, even in the face of the old bf, you're not afraid. But you didn't, so you now have to work so much more if you want to keep this relationship. Like I said, if we were in primitive hunter/gatherer times, you would be gathering for her new hunter. or... old hunter. Your "alpha" ness has been completely crushed. My plan would be more than just a mini-freeze out, I would punish her for her indifference, and get another girl, and wave it in her face. spike some jealousy, three doors down you say? make the new girl scream her head off. that is if you want to salvage the FWB, I would say the relationship has run it's course, move on, get another chick dude. next time, stick to your alpha male-ness Wow, you couldn't of been more off base. "Buyer's remorse" when he has been fucking her for almost a month? Please, look up that definition. Also he isn't a "lesser man" because the boyfriend had a 4 year relationship with her and HE would of looked even more needy had he tried to hang out when it is obvious that her ex-boyfriend "first love" is visiting. You have terrible advice. Quote: froze her out for a week and the next time we hung out she very subtly turned me down for sex. my mate said i should talk to her and say i get it mentioning the following 3 points. basic three points: you understand that she has probably been nagged by her ex, to be faithfull and get back toghter, and if she really wants to commit to that, then thats great and he seems ok. you loath the notion that all the time you have spent with her has to be forgotten, and think its silly oin a way, that she has to miss out on her break while she is away from canada. you respect thier relationship, and dont mean that you wanna strip off and fuck around the clock for the next 3 and a half hours, nor do you have to be best friends. you would just hate if you couldent hang out again. I was on board with your friend's assessment, that the ex-boyfriend came back and pleaded his case. Then fucked her, and the sex for her was going to be good and comfortable, because let's face it they were in a relationship for 4 years. This means that she was JUST HAVING A FLING WITH YOU DUDE!!!! So, I agree on the diagnosis that your friend made, and freezing her out is seriously the best option. However, out of those 3 choices, the last two are ABSOLUTELY THE WORST! Don't tell her you value the relationship, because let's be honest you don't NEED her friendship and you definitely don't NEED her pussy (You're still going out with other girls, right?). She is moving back, she has chosen to stop sleeping with you and that was the extent of the relationship yall had. This means she is basically saying, "It's over." So my suggestion is to permanently freeze her out, stop talking to her all together. Go about your business, start gaming other women, and FORGET about her. Friend's with benefits is always dangerous, because you seem to be getting attached to this girl, and not the other way around.

Author:	chase202 [ Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:49 pm ]
Post subject:
looking at the entire situation it doesnt look good, im aware of that. my plan is to go over there and make the points my friend has come up with, maybe not the valuing their relationship part but in general yeah. if i dont get the response i m after then i will happily move on, i mean what else can be done. i have been gaming other girls ever since she got back and gave me the cold response. unfortunately i do have an attachment to her which is a little too strong which is as annoying as fuck but what can i do. its one of those situations where i just wish everything could go back to the way they were. like 99% of relationships out there i suppose

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Author:	jackb1900 [ Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:54 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: looking at the entire situation it doesnt look good, im aware of that. my plan is to go over there and make the points my friend has come up with, maybe not the valuing their relationship part but in general yeah. if i dont get the response i m after then i will happily move on, i mean what else can be done. i have been gaming other girls ever since she got back and gave me the cold response. unfortunately i do have an attachment to her which is a little too strong which is as annoying as fuck but what can i do. its one of those situations where i just wish everything could go back to the way they were. like 99% of relationships out there i suppose What you can do...is NOT go over and, and don't tell her shit, don't try to make ANY points. If she wants to fuck you, she will contact YOU. What you should be doing is politely brushing her off when you see her, making the conversation short, be emotionally distant, find other women to fuck, let HER make up her own mind. You will never be able to make a woman's mind up for her. Which is what you are trying to do, rationalize her to death. She doesn't give a shit, she only knows what she feels, and she will hate feeling the emotional coldness coming from you, just as you hate the emotional coldness coming from her when you thought things were going well. This is the first lesson that a lot of guys have a hard time learning, getting attached to girls that are only in it for the FLING. I am trying to protect your heart, don't walk over there, don't talk to her, don't do shit. Let her come knocking, you don't need what she has to offer, because you would be happy with LOTS of other girls.

Author:	chase202 [ Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:00 pm ]
Post subject:
yeah thats all well and good, but i froze her out for over a week and she didnt respond at all. she is only here for another 8 weeks so i feel as though i would rather give her a reason (that i get it and that her ex doesnt mean we still cant have fun etc) to justify her sleeping with me again rather then her having the same thought of sex with me = guilt from exboyfriend which wont change unless i do something

Author:	Captn [ Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:52 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: Quote: my opinion. You have displayed your beta maleness to her compared to the "ex" you got out of his way, you had a claim, and you let him walk in and do whatever he wanted. In a primitive culture, you would now be viewed as the "lesser man" and now she has a little bit of buyers remorse when she was hooked up with you. Because you're not claiming what is yours... a perfect move would be getting her over to your place while he was in town... showing that you respect not doing things with him in the same room, but you still want what you can get, this would make you the alpha, even in the face of the old bf, you're not afraid. But you didn't, so you now have to work so much more if you want to keep this relationship. Like I said, if we were in primitive hunter/gatherer times, you would be gathering for her new hunter. or... old hunter. Your "alpha" ness has been completely crushed. My plan would be more than just a mini-freeze out, I would punish her for her indifference, and get another girl, and wave it in her face. spike some jealousy, three doors down you say? make the new girl scream her head off. that is if you want to salvage the FWB, I would say the relationship has run it's course, move on, get another chick dude. next time, stick to your alpha male-ness Wow, you couldn't of been more off base. "Buyer's remorse" when he has been fucking her for almost a month? Please, look up that definition. Also he isn't a "lesser man" because the boyfriend had a 4 year relationship with her and HE would of looked even more needy had he tried to hang out when it is obvious that her ex-boyfriend "first love" is visiting. You have terrible advice. Quote: froze her out for a week and the next time we hung out she very subtly turned me down for sex. my mate said i should talk to her and say i get it mentioning the following 3 points. basic three points: you understand that she has probably been nagged by her ex, to be faithfull and get back toghter, and if she really wants to commit to that, then thats great and he seems ok. you loath the notion that all the time you have spent with her has to be forgotten, and think its silly oin a way, that she has to miss out on her break while she is away from canada. you respect thier relationship, and dont mean that you wanna strip off and fuck around the clock for the next 3 and a half hours, nor do you have to be best friends. you would just hate if you couldent hang out again. I was on board with your friend's assessment, that the ex-boyfriend came back and pleaded his case. Then fucked her, and the sex for her was going to be good and comfortable, because let's face it they were in a relationship for 4 years. This means that she was JUST HAVING A FLING WITH YOU DUDE!!!! So, I agree on the diagnosis that your friend made, and freezing her out is seriously the best option. However, out of those 3 choices, the last two are ABSOLUTELY THE WORST! Don't tell her you value the relationship, because let's be honest you don't NEED her friendship and you definitely don't NEED her pussy (You're still going out with other girls, right?). She is moving back, she has chosen to stop sleeping with you and that was the extent of the relationship yall had. This means she is basically saying, "It's over." So my suggestion is to permanently freeze her out, stop talking to her all together. Go about your business, start gaming other women, and FORGET about her. Friend's with benefits is always dangerous, because you seem to be getting attached to this girl, and not the other way around. Thank you, that was a wonderful idea. as provided by... definitions.uslegal.com Buyer's Remorse: Buyer's remorse is an emotional response on the part of a buyer in a sales transaction, which may involve feelings of regret, fear, depression or anxiety. This is a perfect definition because seeing her "first love" reminds her that this guy she has been fucking for the past month isn't here for the long run. Which is the ultimate goal for most women today. And I never said they should hang out, I said they should fuck, which is extremely different. and I'm not saying that he IS a lesser man, he was showing qualities of one by running back to his cave when the other man came along. Also, when you put down someone's advice... and then suggest the EXACT same advice whilst putting it down, it makes your credibility plummet... So, not trying to take away from any of your advice, because it was all sound (your welcome). Be careful with the way you navigate this site dude, because that type of gross, blatant, disrespect, will end you.

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