Kay, Shaft, we've talked about this with Mocha, but I'm not sure it's been a problem with you previously, so this may be the first time I've directed it at you.
If you want someone to open up to you, there are two paths you can take to making that happen. The first is by asking questions, but a lot of times it becomes something like an interrogation. Rather than ask questions that involve your targets, you ask questions that can be quickly answered and then ignored. These are referred to as closed-ended questions.
Open ended questions are those that elicit a more detailed response. "What?" is a very bad question. It can be answered in monosylables if desired, on nearly every occasion. "Why?" is a much better question, because it requires a deeper delving of a topic. Almost as powerful as "Why," but less psycho-therapist-ish is "How?" It allows for them to elaborate on the topic, something men are more comfortable discussing than women, while leading up to the why.
Open-ended questions engage people on a level less immediately about the topic. Open-ended questions engage people emotionaly. As a horrible example you should never use in the field, "How did that make you feel?" is an open ended question.
The other road is the open-ended statement. People do not ask their friends a barrage of questions, but rather make broad statements about their own experiences. "So, I went to the mall today," is something a friend may say to a friend.
An open-ended statements are, in a lot of ways, just like open-ended questions. They engage on the emotional, rather than the topical. "So I went to Hawaii on vacation," is a closed statement. "I love how scuba-diving makes me feel like I'm the only person in the whole world; it's fun but it's also kind of scary," is open-ended, and invites further conversation.
Engage people (everyone, anyone) on an emotional level, and you'll find that they are much more likely to be interesting people.
Then again, some folk are just plain boring. They haven't been anywhere or done anything. In these cases, it's a great idea to try a spot of role-playing with them. Tell her all the wonderfully exciting/scary/sexy things you're going to do together. Describe your future adventures in vivid, emotional detail, and you'll find that even the boring people will find something to say.
And always, always, always remember the 90/10 rule. If it seems they're giving less of the conversation than you are, they ARE giving less of the conversation than you are, and you need to make up for that lack. When she wants to give 50, you give 50 back, but not a moment beforehand. And if she slips back into 10, give 90 until she's comfortable again.
|
