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I ask a girl out...another iffy answer
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Author:  All-American [ Mon Jan 19, 2009 3:40 pm ]
Post subject:  I ask a girl out...another iffy answer
A few weeks ago, I wrote a thread about a big self-improvement project I would take on when it comes to women and dating. I received a lot of really good advice and so far this semester (although limited opportunities so far) it seems to be on the right track.

I did mention that I would give it a go with a girl I was interested in before break - I wasn't going clean slate. I gave her a call...nothing (it was later that night after I had a real busy day so I figured that might explain this one). I call a couple days later around mid-day...nothing, BUT she calls back about two hours later when I was at the gym, so things are back on. I call her a little after I get back from the gym and she picks up.

After the hi, what's up, how's the start of your semester going stage, I get down to business. I give her the time and place I had in mind for a chance to get some coffee and thus, "catch up since break :wink:" Now here comes the ambiguity...she seemed into the idea and was very upbeat about it, but she is pretty sure she has class around that time (fine) and she'll call me early this week to let me know when she is free (we haven't been back at school a full week yet so no one is 100% sure of their schedule, but this is an iffy part for me). I thought that was that and was ready to move on with my day...but she kept me on the line, asking about a small, major-based hands-on class I took last year because she was taking it this semester (basically what I thought of the class, how I did in the class, what I liked/didn't like from the class, etc). I threw in a story or two, popped a little C+F, we connected on a few things, and she seemed genuine as usual. So she seemed to take an interest in me in connection to the class, and at the end of the call once again mentioned she will let me know what time this week works best.

Here are my questions to you guys:
1.) My plan right now is to call/text her on Wednesday afternoon if I don't hear anything. I really don't like letting things go or letting them go stale...taking action is the one way I will know what's going on. Is this the best thing to do?
2.) A friend of mine thinks the fact she kept me on to ask me things in regard to myself with that class was a good thing, since she simply could have not called back to begin with or could have just waited until the class began to know what's going on. I tend to think she just wanted to make conversation to be nice. Your thoughts?
3.) As you can tell, I am a bit pessimistic when it comes to ambiguity and women. If I don't hear an outright yes with the date and time locked in right away, I assume it's a no. I've been flaked on/stood up before by women (recently), causing this slight paranoia. I know I didn't offer a lot of "clues," but am I staring into another unwinnable situation?
Author:  Reo [ Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I ask a girl out...another iffy answer
Quote:
and at the end of the call once again mentioned she will let me know what time this week works best.
Mistake #1 you let her have the option of deciding when you 2 will hang out.
You should have told her the offers only good for this saturday or next saturday. Now you're just waiting on her, driving yourself crazy with thoughts like, "when she going to call, what if she doesn't call, etc."

Quote:
Here are my questions to you guys:
1.) My plan right now is to call/text her on Wednesday afternoon if I don't hear anything. I really don't like letting things go or letting them go stale...taking action is the one way I will know what's going on. Is this the best thing to do?


Due to mistake #1 you shouldn't wait til wednesday call her do it today tell her something's come up any week day is out of the question so the offers good only good for saturday or next saturday(it doesn't matter the day).

You're not in that tight with the girl yet to allow her to dictate the pace of the relationship
Author:  All-American [ Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:06 am ]
Post subject: 
Good points Reo, but first dates - namely coffee dates or something of this nature - take place on weekdays. Going for a Saturday night for a first date is a little ambitious IMO. Usually, a smaller/lesser date then leads to a Sat. night date. There needs to be that transition.

I can definitely call tomorrow though and let her know I have a tight schedule, therefore I'm going to need confirmation from her regarding (whatever day I choose that fits my schedule).
Author:  Sun of Nothing [ Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:52 am ]
Post subject: 
Ok, what Reo and AA said are both correct. She's willingly taken the ball into her court by telling you that she'll decided what time is good. Now what you should have done was establish your time frame, tell her Thursday or Wednesday works. Avoid weekends like AA said.

Basically you want to put limits on the time frame of hanging out, that way you'll have expectations and you'll also show that you have things going on.

Oh and don't be obsequious when it comes to this, tell her when you can and can't do stuff but put the ball in her court. Demonstrate your control over the situation but allow her some room to operate in.
Author:  All-American [ Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:13 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Ok, what Reo and AA said are both correct. She's willingly taken the ball into her court by telling you that she'll decided what time is good. Now what you should have done was establish your time frame, tell her Thursday or Wednesday works. Avoid weekends like AA said.

Basically you want to put limits on the time frame of hanging out, that way you'll have expectations and you'll also show that you have things going on.

Oh and don't be obsequious when it comes to this, tell her when you can and can't do stuff but put the ball in her court. Demonstrate your control over the situation but allow her some room to operate in.
AA = me, the original poster here lol. :lol:

This is what I planned on doing (after seeing Reo's response and your concurrence). I will call her tomorrow just to once again remind her Wed and Thurs are my two days, otherwise I'm not sure what will happen next.
Author:  Reo [ Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:36 am ]
Post subject: 
Hold on AA I feel like I'm about to feed you to the wolves here...you're definitely not the type of person who's willing to lose it.

I'm going to make something clear about this girl she is not busy 24/7 no one is. She not telling you here schedule because she doesn't care if she goes out with you or not, from what I gather of this girl she's the type who will cancel or conveniently forget she was suppose to give you her schedule and not care.
So perhaps giving her the ultimatum in your case when she declines it will leave you a better broken man up to you whether to do it or not.

Ok i'm done here
Author:  All-American [ Tue Jan 20, 2009 5:13 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Hold on AA I feel like I'm about to feed you to the wolves here...you're definitely not the type of person who's willing to lose it.

I'm going to make something clear about this girl she is not busy 24/7 no one is. She not telling you here schedule because she doesn't care if she goes out with you or not, from what I gather of this girl she's the type who will cancel or conveniently forget she was suppose to give you her schedule and not care.
So perhaps giving her the ultimatum in your case when she declines it will leave you a better broken man up to you whether to do it or not.

Ok i'm done here
There may be some typos in here that are confusing (I bolded them). Anyways, obviously she's not busy 24-7. She didn't tell me she was. Our semester just started, so a lot of people aren't really 100% sure when they have classes (unless they've had class that day of the week already).

I don't plan on giving her an ultimatum. Instead, I will let her know Wed/Thurs are the only two days of the week I can do anything, and then go on to ask if the time and place work for her. I want something established here, no more of this "what if" stuff.
Author:  All-American [ Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:38 am ]
Post subject: 
Reo, you're correct in that I usually don't give these sort of ultimatums, but does something like this work...if I call tomorrow and I get nothing (called her today when she prob. had class, haven't heard back yet), I plan on sending her this sort of text:

Hey HB, either you can either call me back and we make plans or there is no sense in me pursuing this any further." (then I tossed in some one-line C+F comment about the class she was so scared of).


Basically, I like being in control of my own destiny. Sure, it's alright if she wants to negotiate a little bit, but having her call the shots doesn't sit too well with me. It's time to buckle down and get that answer, for better or for worse...right? I may just proceed as I did before, but this time finalize plans the next time we speak. :wink:
Author:  All-American [ Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:13 am ]
Post subject: 
I got a nice little update for you guys...

I had called a couple days ago, got nothing so I wanted to try something yesterday...

...I decided to text her rather than call her to catch her attention, this is basically how that went:
AA: Clear your calendar, call me back and I will fill you in.
(several hours later, later that night, probably right before she went to sleep)
HB: What you talking about?
AA: I'll call you tomorrow afternoon.
HB: Why the secrecy :P ?

I let her wonder about that all night, so when "tomorrow afternoon" came around and I was done with classes, I - like I said - called her. Within 10 minutes, she called me back. I asked her how she's doing, and then got right down to business (no messing around!). I explained how I've been running around a bit and I want a time and place set so I have it down and won't have things conflicting with one another (this is actually true...I've been all over the place). I suggested a day early next week, the time and the place. She agreed right away, and I repeated everything, as if I were writing it down, so she hears it again too. I then ended with a C+F joke and that was that. 8)

Alright...so I think everything here looks good for the time being. I felt I was pretty decisive today, getting right down to business. I also stuck to my guns by refusing to tell her what my plans were via text (I really prefer calling).

Of course, I'm going to be a little wary of that "flake/stand up" possibility, since that's what happened the last time I set up a date. In fact, it's why I joined here! My demons are pestering me, "How was it so easy...I mean, the first day/time I suggested - in the middle of a weekday - somehow fits her class schedule (and she'll remember something half a week in advance)?" Basically, if I get stood up again, I'm really going to be annoyed. Also, I really hope she can figure that "going for coffee = a date." If I get the LJBF line right near the start due to some misinterpretation, I'm going to be peeved.
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