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Leave her man of 3 years
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Author:  Dan144 [ Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:09 am ]
Post subject:  Leave her man of 3 years
hey guys here's the situation. i had a job where i worked with this girl for a year. at first i was really attracted to her but decided not to do anything because she had a man for like 3 years. after i got fired we chilled for the first time the next day. we hooked up and its been amazing the past 2 months. its gotten sooo bad cuz she really loves me, and i feel the same way. the other night she was in tears telling me that shes fallen for me sooooo much and that she never expected anyone to come along when she was with her man. i've been trying to get her to break up with her man, i told her that i couldnt live with her like this. on the other hand we've gotten so attached that i dont think i could just leave her like that.

what im asking you guys is this. Is there anything I could do to get her to break up with her man? they do sometimes have small arguments but nothing big and they seem relatively happy. I cant stand how much she says she loves me but then she loves her man to, so it doesnt really count.

thanks guys, you have no idea how grateful i'd be for any help. and yes, it really is worth it to be with her.
Author:  Diaz [ Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ok, no moral questions asked. But remember one thing: seems to me like you want a LTR. Lets say you get there.. if she hooked up with you while she was in one, she will do it again when a skilled enough pua comes along (no, you are not that special).

ok, but lets cut to the chase. You need to be better than her bf. She will compare her options and staying with her current bf is easier, so you really need to outperform him. Also, no relationship is perfect, get her to focus on the things that are wrong in her relationship.

If she tells you he doesnt do the dishes, tell her a story about you or a friend of yours, who's bf/gf had a very similar habit and how it eventually drove them apart. Stories work always, just make them sound good, if you need help, post some of the problems they've had and I'll make you a story :P The idea of stories is to make her see that even though it might not seem big at the moment, it will eventually become a dealbreaker.

As a bonus telling her a story tells her that you understand her feelings and what she is going trough, something that very few men do, but almost all women value highly!

Also be careful, don't turn into a wussy, you are NOT a second bf, let her bf do the wussying, at a certain point, it will turn against him. At some point you can play the "I can't do this anymore card". This has to happen at a point where everything between you two seems perfect, then tell her your consciousness can't take it and that you think you shouldn't be in contact anynmore.. if played right, she will understand it, but.. wait a week.. she will break and contact you. Thats the tipping point, be smooth but absolute.
Author:  Phaedra [ Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hi Dan,
I remember your thread from before, where Rye Lee and JSmooth suggested you freeze her out. I still think they are correct, but as Diaz says you have to wait until things are really good between you two.

I like Diaz's suggestions. Ultimately, you will have to set some boundaries. And the boundary is, "I cannot see you like this anymore. It's a dishonest way to live, we both know that. This is how I feel. If we're seeing each other, it has to be just the two of us." Then let her think about it. You do risk losing her, but I guarantee you that she will respect you more for taking a stance.

BTW I am a girl and I am going through something similar. What I have done is to back off, to create some distance between us. He knows something is up and I have expressed my disappointment about things that have happened. He was really down for a few days but I think it forced him to make some changes.
Author:  Dan144 [ Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
Sorry for the late reply, but thank you both very much :D
As for the stories, yea they do have a few problems in their relationship. He sometimes seems to be mad at her for no reason and sometimes he makes her cry, but he ALWAYS apologizes. and the thing is, she always accepts his apology and goes on like nothing happened. you think this could be made in to a good story some how?

As for the freeze. I will do it at some point. its really hard for me to do because of how close we are. I feel bad but I'm gonna try to make us closer and within a week from now i'll do it. it may have more effect on her as i've told her before that this is killing me and i thought sooo many times of leaving but its not possible for me - i cant leave her. I'll tell her how much its killing me and to call me when she doesnt have a man.
Author:  Diaz [ Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
As for the stories, yea they do have a few problems in their relationship. He sometimes seems to be mad at her for no reason and sometimes he makes her cry, but he ALWAYS apologizes. and the thing is, she always accepts his apology and goes on like nothing happened. you think this could be made in to a good story some how?
That makes a very good story.. :wink: Tell her a story (maybe about a female friend of yours?) who was in the bit of the same situation, her bf kept screwing up and even though he always apologized afterwards.. it kept growing to be a burden.. because, (now tell her that this is ofcourse just your personal opinnion), but what is an aplology good for if you don't change your behaviour.. I mean, isn't apologizing all about regretting something you've done? So if you Really regret what you've done.. shouldn't you learn and not do it again?

So try to play it in a way that makes his bf look like an asshole because his apologies don't mean anynthing. Lets go with a SPAM quote.. "its what you DO that defines you"
Quote:
As for the freeze. I will do it at some point. its really hard for me to do because of how close we are. I feel bad but I'm gonna try to make us closer and within a week from now i'll do it. it may have more effect on her as i've told her before that this is killing me and i thought sooo many times of leaving but its not possible for me - i cant leave her. I'll tell her how much its killing me and to call me when she doesnt have a man.
Here I'd recommend a slight change in plans.. Don't overplay the fact that being without her kills you (bit too wussy thing to do), but be the moral and good guy.. The situation kills you. And you could add.. "don't get me wrong, you know how I feel about you, but I just cant continue like this.."

And I know this is hard, but once you do the freeze, don't get in touch with her.. I know it kills you, but if things are right, it should kill her even more.. and she has to be the one that "breaks" first and contacts you..
Author:  Dan144 [ Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
niice. thanks man. I will do it and i'll tell u how it all went down and if it works out so that maybe people in the future can learn from this if they get in this kind of situation lol.

thanks :)
Author:  Diaz [ Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:17 pm ]
Post subject: 
np. Just don't jump into the story randomly, best timing would be after she has just told you about having again one of those arguments with her bf.. just lead the conversation in the right direction :wink:
Author:  Dan144 [ Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
dam. ok, i left her. i feel really shitty right now, holy fuckk. i didn't expect it to be THIS bad. well yea i just did exactly wat you guys said to. i just really dont think im gonna get this call. what do you think the chances are that she will really leave her man that she's had for three years, for me? i mean, if she hasnt left him already why would she now?
Author:  David~ [ Sat Jul 26, 2008 11:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
Honestly I wouldn't give a fuck if she was still with her man. Be like

"Oh you're still with your boyfriend? Well I'm a pickup artist and I currently am seeing 3 other girls. Would you like to keep seeing me? I'll drop my girls if you drop your boyfriend. If not, peace the fuck out hoe">
Author:  Diaz [ Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
dam. ok, i left her. i feel really shitty right now, holy fuckk. i didn't expect it to be THIS bad. well yea i just did exactly wat you guys said to. i just really dont think im gonna get this call. what do you think the chances are that she will really leave her man that she's had for three years, for me? i mean, if she hasnt left him already why would she now?
Good job, it needed to be done, now the most impotant thing for you is to not contact her, even though its hard. How did she take it when you told her you can't do it anymore?

Now its just a game of waiting and seeing, my educated guess would be that if she doesn't contact you within 2 weeks, its pretty much a lost game, but hey.. you wouldn't have wanted to settle for 2nd place anyway, so its good you made the descission now! And leaving with a strong frame like this will keep the option open if she ever decides to leave her bf in the future :wink: never burn bridges if you don't absolutely have to!
Author:  Dan144 [ Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:52 am ]
Post subject: 
thanks man, but now there's more drama. She called me back today. before she did, i was feeling horrible. I didnt eat or sleep at all the night before. it was horrible. when she called she told me just that she needed to see me. so since so i picked her up and we went to my house. i found out that she didnt do shit, he's still there. of course i found out after i slept with her. i thought she called me because she was done. she really WONT leave me alone, but honestly i almost called her and most likely would have, who knows. after she told me he was still there, i asked her if she still sleeps with him - i figured that at least he doesnt give her something and i do. she said she slept with him the other day. i have never felt so disrespected in my entire life. i told her so. at that point i told her it was time to leave. she asked me if she could call me, and i told her i had no idea at this point.

so basically...WTF is going on.we CANT be together like this, but we cant be separated. what the hell am i supposed to do now?
Author:  Diaz [ Tue Jul 29, 2008 2:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ok, this complicates things. As she knows now that you frame isn't that strong, she might even think she can actually keep going on having you both.. I don't have a perfect solution for you, what I'd do is talk to her again, explain the same things again and tell her that you genuinely thought her situation had changed when she decided to sleep with you, but your situation hasn't changed, you still can't do it like this.

Tell her you thought about what she asked and ask her that she would not call you anymore.. "this just isn't working".

Don't tell her to call if her situation changes. If she calls, don't pick up.. let some time pass, she will likely leave you voice messages or texts.. you need to wait at least a week or two.. let the communication be one-way. she will be thinking about you and the most important thing now is to make her believe that she actually lost you.

If things go right, she will leave her bf and text/email/leave a voicemail about it.. at that point, make a short call or a quick text to meet her, and talk about things, but don't do this too early!

If that's not enough motivation for her to leave her bf, then I'm sorry to say man, but then we are pretty close to game over.
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