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| How do I let go of what lies behind me? https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=203657 |
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| Author: | jayden223 [ Mon May 01, 2017 10:00 am ] |
| Post subject: | How do I let go of what lies behind me? |
After last night, everything feels painful. I was finally forced to take the consequences of my lies seriously. Essentially, last night showed me that my goals were always short sighted. I always focused on only the immediate and figured I would find a way out of the sticky situation I knew I was creating for myself. I wasn't ready for what happened even though it was inevitable. It didn't happen overnight. I did this to myself for months. I invented a fake persona that was different than who I was in person. This facade, this illusion I created for myself over the course of the last couple months was the universal attractive male. I created this false "I've got it all together" personality that was this confident, witty, clever, cocky, funny, pure alpha male that always had the perfect things to say and always did the right things. I used this epic dangerously seductive and insanely faultless character to enter virtual relationships with girls, most non-serious. I simply could attract anyone I wanted over text. Meaning if I knew someone I was physically attracted to, I would know what to say and do to create a strong attraction. Over text I could literally wave a wand and demand the attention of anyone, and attract them. I created the most unrealistic guy in the world to meet every single unrealistic expectation a woman could possibly have. I passed every shit test with flying colors, had the perfect comebacks to every insult, gave great advice on any situation, and had a lot of knowledge on every subject. What did I do to accomplish all these things? Simply, use the internet. Oh you called me arrogant, cocky, or mean? I'll look up the perfect comeback and dish it back in your face and you'll love me for it. You have problems in your life? I'll use google to learn about them and come back to you with golden advice that will change your world. You want clarification on what your teacher was teaching today in class? Give me one minute to look it up and I will increase your understanding and you'll think I'm so smart for it. They all loved it. THE PERFECT GUY. At least so they thought... They would never meet him in person because he didn't exist. If they met the true guy, the facade would be found. No way I could let that happen. Not until I learned enough about PUA to be believable enough in person. There was no pressure to meet these girls anyways, they were all from Tinder. I could meet them when I was ready. So I decided to take my time, work on other areas of my life that needed tending to and then when I was in a spot that made sense, I could learn PUA and become someone who could pull a lot of women. Well... over the last month I started texting this extremely beautiful girl who was a mutual friend. She was someone that I had seen at parties and social events and had very brief conversations with. One of my good friends added her into a group chat and I alpha'd everyone during the entire group message and she fell for it, as expected. She sent me a text privately and that's the moment when I knew I was going to win her. For the last month, we became each other's one person you text every day. We had great conversations, could talk for hours about basically anything, and I knew I had engaged her more than any of the other girls before. My game was climbing to another level. As a result, she attempted to make plans for us to see each other every week but every time I had to make an excuse about why I couldn't. Taking it even further, I had to bail on every single party or event I got invited to because I knew chances were she was going to be there. My friends would hang out with her all the time and they would always tell me how she clearly wanted me. I began to realize that I started this relationship with her but unlike the other girls, avoiding her would actually affect my day to day life. That's when the fear started setting in. I wouldn't be able to avoid her and if I didn't quickly become congruent to the person she thought I was, then it was just going to be downright embarrassing and confusing for everybody. It was only last week when I decided that everything I was doing made no sense and that I had to break this weird ass shit. I told myself I was going to start reading and watching videos on pick up and gradually distance myself from her. Until I became confident in my own natural ability to be that "guy", then it wasn't fair to me or her to keep this facade up. Well, things didn't work out that way. Last night I ended up going to somewhere I didn't intend to go to. The night started out at the bar with a couple of my friends, but later we ended up at a party nearby. It never crossed my mind that she could be at the party but when we got to the place, lo and behold, there she was standing in the kitchen, giving me a full faced smile as soon as I glanced at her. I felt myself frozen in time, like I lost all my bearings. Everything that I feared happening, happened to me. My throat tightened and my mind went blank. The most beautiful girl at the party, who by now, had shared her opinions about me to everyone else there, was expecting to meet the guy who could satisfy the needs of any woman, but he wasn't there to greet her and he never was going to be. From the first moment I opened my mouth until the moment I left the party, I straight up got exposed on everything and I can honestly say it was one of the most defeating moments of my life. For one month she begged my friends to get me to hang out with her and when that moment finally came, I most likely killed any attraction she ever had to me. The worst part was when she called me out for being nervous and asked me point blank, "Why are you so different in texting than you are in person?" Those words still pierce through me when I play them back in my head. Before last night, I was ready to move forward and improve myself, but I'm just crushed now. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and extremely self-conscious. I just keep thinking about her and what she probably thinks about me. What her friends think about me. What my friends think about me. It's all so fucked up. Truth be told, I don't even know what my purpose is for sharing this, but for some reason it just feels good to bring up the past and get this off my chest. I guess what I'm just looking for is if anyone has any guidance/advice/motivation they can give me to make this time where I'm naturally going to be miserable, a little less sucky? Honestly, I would say this was pretty traumatic for me because it was a direct blow to the feeling of my inner self. My spirit feels crushed and the feeling of inadequacy in myself is pretty high. I would appreciate any type of encouragement. Also, this was the first day where she didn't send me a single text. Go figure. |
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