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Problem with eye contact
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Author:  DynEira [ Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Problem with eye contact
Whilst I can hold eye contact pretty well when in a conversation, I have trouble holding it when innocently just walking past someone or when about to approach. For the record, it doesn't make a difference when walking past a male or a female or if I know them or not.

It seems that at soon as I lock eyes with someone, there's an automatic reaction of looking away and even turning or dipping my head. I've been trying to improve this for weeks now and it's still the same and makes me look and feel pretty stupid and timid.

Any suggestions on how this can be improved? Or any exercises you can suggest I carry out to sort the problem out? Thanks
Author:  Mr. Assertive [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
You're just not confident. Simple as that. Practice looking at one person a day in the eye you don't know. Then two, then three, and then it becomes like drinking water. Rome wasn't build in a day, and your eye contact won't be either. I used to have the same problem back in my young days, nowadays, I say hi or compliment.
Author:  Maxii [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:09 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
I'd suggest set a limit of 1 second for 2 people the first day. Then 2 seconds for 4 people, etc.

Also, if you're REALLY having trouble, try focusing on the bridge of their nose or the gap in between their eyebrows, it'll look to them like you're looking in their eyes.
Author:  J.Daniels [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
This is quite a struggle for me, too. Just really force it. When someone is talking to you, force eye contact 80% of the time, then when you're talking to them, force eye contact 60% of the time. It sounds more complicated than it is, and eventually becomes habitual.
Author:  DynEira [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 7:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Thanks for the advice guys. I'll work on completing the tasks right away.
Author:  iggz80 [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Practising the suggested is a good thing.
But I think another thing is a problem. Generally in life, you can't keep eye contact with the superior, it would be rude or might produce consequences you wouldn't like. You can do it with an "equal" person.
So I think you should build your personality [edit: and your social position], and the eye contact will come through it. To feel more confident like the "assertive" guy told you (thus meeting less the superior). You are probably in early twenties or younger, so you have plenty of time for that. :D
I don't say I'm sure about you, I'm just trying to point to something, and you can think about it and see if that might be the problem.
Author:  R.C [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
Whilst I can hold eye contact pretty well when in a conversation, I have trouble holding it when innocently just walking past someone or when about to approach. For the record, it doesn't make a difference when walking past a male or a female or if I know them or not.

It seems that at soon as I lock eyes with someone, there's an automatic reaction of looking away and even turning or dipping my head. I've been trying to improve this for weeks now and it's still the same and makes me look and feel pretty stupid and timid.

Any suggestions on how this can be improved? Or any exercises you can suggest I carry out to sort the problem out? Thanks
Keep it up, you'll get over the instinct of looking away. It's pretty much a trained reflex to look away when you lock eyes with someone you're not very comfortable with.
Author:  DynEira [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 3:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
Practising the suggested is a good thing.
But I think another thing is a problem. Generally in life, you can't keep eye contact with the superior, it would be rude or might produce consequences you wouldn't like. You can do it with an "equal" person.
So I think you should build your personality [edit: and your social position], and the eye contact will come through it. To feel more confident like the "assertive" guy told you (thus meeting less the superior). You are probably in early twenties or younger, so you have plenty of time for that. :D
I don't say I'm sure about you, I'm just trying to point to something, and you can think about it and see if that might be the problem.
Thanks for the input, but to be honest, I don't think this is my problem. I would never assume a stranger as being superior or inferior. Don't even think I believe in people being superior or inferior in general either. Would have to agree with others that it's a confidence issue.
Quote:
Keep it up, you'll get over the instinct of looking away. It's pretty much a trained reflex to look away when you lock eyes with someone you're not very comfortable with.
Thanks. Been working on what I can today but not many opportunities as of yet. Still early though so other opportunities will hopefully come along.

This is probably a stupid question, but regarding the advice given of trying to improve daily, if I start to feel more comfortable with it, should I increase the amount by more than what was originally suggested?
Author:  R.C [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 3:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Increase the amount of what? Just make eye contact with more or less every person you walk by on the street. The vast majority will look away within two seconds. Make it your target to always let them be the ones to break it.
Author:  DynEira [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 3:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
Increase the amount of what? Just make eye contact with more or less every person you walk by on the street. The vast majority will look away within two seconds. Make it your target to always let them be the ones to break it.
Was going by previous posts suggesting to try one person the first day, two the second and continue with that trend. Or to try hold it for a 2 seconds with 2 people and increase both each day.
Author:  iggz80 [ Wed Feb 22, 2017 8:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
OK, I didn’t explain it well I think (maybe the superior/inferior are not good terms)…
Quote:
Don't even think I believe in people being superior or inferior in general either.
Neither do I. And I never let anyone to be either of the two with me. As human beings, we are all of the same value, we all have certain qualities etc. etc…
BUT…
There are some imaginary rules in the society that we all subconsciously accept. There IS a social scale.
If you accidentally looked in the eyes some kid in the street would you have
Quote:
...an automatic reaction of looking away and even turning or dipping my head.
...
...and makes me look and feel pretty stupid and timid.
Would you feel timid? I don’t think so, because on this imaginary “social scale” you are the superior one.
I am not trying to persuade you that I’m right, I just want to explain what I really meant with that “superior/inferior” thing. :D
Author:  DynEira [ Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
OK, I didn’t explain it well I think (maybe the superior/inferior are not good terms)…
Quote:
Don't even think I believe in people being superior or inferior in general either.
Neither do I. And I never let anyone to be either of the two with me. As human beings, we are all of the same value, we all have certain qualities etc. etc…
BUT…
There are some imaginary rules in the society that we all subconsciously accept. There IS a social scale.
If you accidentally looked in the eyes some kid in the street would you have
Quote:
...an automatic reaction of looking away and even turning or dipping my head.
...
...and makes me look and feel pretty stupid and timid.
Would you feel timid? I don’t think so, because on this imaginary “social scale” you are the superior one.
I am not trying to persuade you that I’m right, I just want to explain what I really meant with that “superior/inferior” thing. :D
Thanks for explaining as I did misinterpret your comment and I agree with what you say. It's deffinately something I need to improve on.

In your previous comment, you also say that I need to build my personality and social position. Would you have any suggestions on how you would do that? I'm have been thinking of getting the 'Models by Mark Manson' book as it seems to have excellent reviews and I haven't read anything apart from The Game.
Author:  iggz80 [ Thu Feb 23, 2017 1:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
Thanks for explaining as I did misinterpret your comment and I agree with what you say. It's deffinately something I need to improve on.
OK, when you say it like this I really feel you did not understand it the right way...

You cannot say "It's deffinately something I need to improve on." as if it is a skill, playing cards, or anything small in your life.
Building personality and social position is not something you do once and there you are.
You read, you play sports, you talk to people (interesting people you have things to learn from - I always liked people smarter than me)… It is difficult to explain in details – mostly, interacting with all sorts of people and different places (bars, cafés, pool halls etc.) Me myself I liked to talk to beggars or what society often calls “losers” (I don’t find a better word) … (my girlfriend finds it weird - but I thought one can get a different perspective) but to tell honestly, after many years, you can not learn much from them.

Going up the social scale – I think you should understand that…

I’m sorry, I’ve been drinking tonight so my language and my thoughts are not quite precise, but I hope you understand me. If not, tell me and I will explain it more tomorrow. :D
Author:  iggz80 [ Thu Feb 23, 2017 1:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Quote:
Quote:
... and social position. Would you have any suggestions on how you would do that? I'm have been thinking of getting the 'Models by Mark Manson' book as it seems to have excellent reviews and I haven't read anything apart from The Game.
No, not the books, you live a life. It is a bit difficult to explain and I could make myself a fool here... (but I'm drunk so who cares).
Are you on the same social level as any Hollywood star?
I suppose not. So let's say that is the top (being a star). Your position is the bottom. (yes as humans we're all equal but our society doesn't care - which I'm OK with) So... your way is going up, as far as you can get... :wink:

edit: and I broke my 6 years old rule of not writing on any social media drunk... :!:
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Problem with eye contact
Having been trying to actually approach women these last few weeks or have you just been running around playing the eye contact game?

When you actually start consistently approaching, holding eye contact will become easier because its more easier to hold eye contact than it is to approach. When you beat the game on hard money, easy mode becomes a breeze. Go in the approach. With confidence in approaching, confidence in all of its prior stages will increase as well.
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