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Here's a challenge (im new here)
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Author:  RyanPL [ Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Here's a challenge (im new here)
So, I'm completely new to all this. But if i'm completely honest, I don't know where else to turn.

I was with this girl for around a year, I made some mistakes towards the end (I didn't cheat or anything terribly bad like that), and we ended up breaking up. Putting it simply, I want to fix things, and get back together with her. And I figured you guys know far more than I do about all this.

We broke up end of February, and we started talking again around May. So, it's now July, and I'm assuming she wants to be friends. But I have no idea, I've received mixed messages from her. And I realised I still have incredibly strong feelings for her.

I invited her over to watch movies and I'm going to cook to dinner for us. And she should be staying the night.

Well, what do you guys think I can do to fix everything?
Thanks
Author:  R.C [ Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
I invited her over to watch movies and I'm going to cook to dinner for us. And she should be staying the night.
Did she accept?

And also dude, why are you asking us how to "fix" something and at the same time giving absolutely no relevant information as to how you broke it in the first place?
Author:  RyanPL [ Thu Jul 14, 2016 11:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
It started around Christmas time, I injured my lower back playing rugby. So, I couldn't train to handle stress or anger or anything like that. And I was just plain frustrated with everything, I'm one of those guys who finds going to the gym or training in some way, incredibly important. And I started to take out some of the anger out at her. And I regret that more than you can possibly imagine. Due to my anger and frustrations (aka being childish), we argued alot.

If you looked at it from an outside point of view, it would probably look like I was begging for a chance to argue with her.

So, in a nutshell, I lost my passion and hobby. And I took it out on her, causing arguments.
I didn't think it was necessary to explain because I've been contemplating my mistakes for a very long time. And I'm certain those are the reasons.


She replied with "I need to check whether I can or not". But she mentioned she would like to. Bare in mind, we're both fairly young (late teens). So we both live with our parents.
Author:  ColaGuy [ Thu Jul 14, 2016 11:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
i say dont rush it.. will probably send her running. keep making plans with her.. make it fun and it'll happen on its own
Author:  Mr. Assertive [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 12:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Go back to the dude you were at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, due to the drama that you have caused, you might want to be patient with her. Does she know you did that out of anger ?
Author:  RyanPL [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 12:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
i say dont rush it.. will probably send her running. keep making plans with her.. make it fun and it'll happen on its own
Sorry to sound sceptical, doesn't that sound a bit too simple? Surely there must be more to it?
Author:  RyanPL [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 12:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
Go back to the dude you were at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, due to the drama that you have caused, you might want to be patient with her. Does she know you did that out of anger ?
When we broke up, I apologised for making her upset and for the arguments. But I don't know whether she knows I did those things for those reasons.
Author:  J.Daniels [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 4:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
I wrote a thread on guys who want their ex back. Most guys don't stick to it because they don't like the harsh reality, but remember that we suffer because we want reality to be other than it is.

Thread is stickied in the relationship section and I think it's in my signature too. Maybe you shouldn't read it, but I would.
Author:  Arch Stanton [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
Go back to the dude you were at the beginning of the relationship.
Yep. The fun guy, non-controlling, non-angry, non-needy.

If a girl likes you, and you are fun, tease her, and stay emotionally-centered consistently, you can have her for a long, long time.

Do not talk about the past relationship unless she asks for an apology or wants to talk about it. Focus on fun. It's about clearing away the negative feelings surrounding the breakup and going back to easy, drama-free, and good times.
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
The harder you try to mend the emotional relationship the stronger she's going to try and pull away. From what you've said, I'm going to assume she's broken up with you. Correct? Well when a girl breaks up with a guy and he continues to chase and pursue her, he is sending a direct message to her that says " I don't think I can do better than you.", "I am incapable of growing beyond you". And woman in her right mind wants to be with someone who can't grow? You wants to recognize you as someone that's going to continue to grow and expand with or without. This is the only way she can feel comfortable following you, or conjoining with you.

Here on the forums we encourage the majority of guys to cut ties and walk away completely. This is a pick up artist forum, not a relationship forum, but the reality is, some couples break up and get back together and do okay. But ask yourself why? I personally can't imagine why any guy without the 'find the one' program wants to be in a relationship unless he's ready to settle down and start a family. Women tend to be the ones that seek the security, stability, and validation from the relationship. So i'd advise letting her pursue you for that. If you're going to see her anyway, i'd say continue to see her, but also continue to see other women. Give yourself the options to decide whether or not this is what you really want. After all, you are currently single.

Leave any talks about rekindling the old relationship out of your meet with her. Hang out, have sex, and have a good time. Let the talks of that be brought up by her. You just steer them in the right direction when they are brought up. Nevertheless, I can't help but tell you that it's best to walk away and do better. You can do better. And unless she thinks you can aswell, she'll always keep her eyes out for someone she thinks can.
Author:  RyanPL [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 1:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Thanks everyone for the advice

So, what I'm gathering here is that I need to just have fun with her, be positive and a "catch". But also be busy, have her chase after me, so to speak. Show her that she has competition. Am I getting that right?
Author:  n2thevoid [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 4:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
Thanks everyone for the advice

So, what I'm gathering here is that I need to just have fun with her, be positive and a "catch". But also be busy, have her chase after me, so to speak. Show her that she has competition. Am I getting that right?
Eddie puts it well, and like him I strongly caution you on reconnecting with her.

The attachment is still quite strong, which paradoxically makes it hardest to resist giving it another chance. When attachments are strong like that there's still a scarcity mindset in effect simply because she broke up with you due to some perceived insufficiency or incompatibility. I am doubtful that u'll be able to take it slow or honestly accept friendship - why would you take something less than what you had? In addition to the frame she's setting as 'friend' - meaning IF she decided to fool around or even date other guys while hanging out with you, she could easily rationalize that as being acceptable. Don't settle for scraps. The end-goal is to be back together with her, but what about evolving as a person?

The thing to ask yourself is does she help you evolve as a person, as a man, or is she a headwind in your life slowing down, impeding your journey forward in any way?

I know its hard, I've been through this a few times, as have many of the guys on this forum. Whatever you do just consider the more time you spend trying to make things work, u'll keep hitting the 'reset' button on healing and moving on to find that special someone.
Author:  RyanPL [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 4:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Quote:
The thing to ask yourself is does she help you evolve as a person, as a man, or is she a headwind in your life slowing down, impeding your journey forward in any way?
I'm a powerlifter, and my goal is to eventually be a top competitor in the world. And to be sponsored. This will take a few years, but next year I want to break the deadlift record in the UK for my age and weight class. And she is probably the most supportive person I have around me currently with that.

Occasionally I have problems with my confidence in achieving that, (I don't tell her about them) but she always asks about my competitions and always seems interested in it. She says she fully believes in me to achieve everything I want from powerlifting.

In summary, she's incredibly sweet, but shy (I like shy girls for some reason, I find it cute). And we have fun together, so, that keeps me rather attracted to her.

So, I hope that answers that question for you.
Author:  RyanPL [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 5:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
Also, I have no idea who broke up with who. I guess it was kinda mutual.
Author:  Arch Stanton [ Fri Jul 15, 2016 11:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here's a challenge (im new here)
It's never really mutual, lol.

She dumped you, and you want her back. Face up to it. This way, you can take corrective actions to achieve what you want based on reality, not your ego.

This has happened to everyone. The last one dumped me for being emotionally unavailable/cold/playerish (I was). I went no contact for 14 days, showed up at a mutual stomping ground with a huge-breasted blonde, and she called me the next day, furious.

I caused her a lot of pain by being so distant despite dating for 5 months. So I owned up to it, apologized for a cold thing I did, and made some adjustments to how I treated her (asked a lot more questions about her day, hugged her more, teased her more, made more efforts for dates rather than just fucking, etc). We're back and stronger than ever.

I also went on five dates during the 14 days of no contact to make sure i was certain I wanted her back. The dates horrified me and made me realize what I had lost.

I would suggest dating other girls, and playing this as casual as you can.
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