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Dating a girl whos life just changed
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Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 1:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Dating a girl whos life just changed
Hi guys.
First of all please excuse my halting english in the followig text.

Situation:
There is that girl, who had an relationship for 8 years (shes 25 now) and is now single for 4 months.
We meet each other for 4 months now and have great sex.
I would really love to have a serious relationship with her.
We had a huge discussion and a big break 2 months before, because I invested too much in her and the pressure was too much for her.
So we had no contact for just 20 days and then she started to text again.
Now we see each other again, but she clearly said, that shes not ready for something serious and her heart still hurts because of the story with her ex bf and her new situation (own flat / lost a lot of friends / his family ... )
I agreed to that and said, that we should not think that much about everything and just see where the "flow" will bring us.

Last week we fixed a date for last friday and just 1 hour before we should meet each other, she wrote me that shes not feeling very good, thats shes sad and she would understand when we move that date.
I ignored that and met her anyways. We had fun & great sex.
But after the sex I noticed that she was not really with me and her thoughts went crazy. It was a terrible situation and the distance between us was huuuuge.
I didnt know what to do and just went home that night (I didnt really leave her .. she said it would be time) and freezed her.
Today she texted me again.
I try to translate the text.

---------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, I just wanted to say something about friday.
I dont want to say that I didnt warn you, but I did .. ^^
I had a terrible week at work and besides that everyone has these times when your thoughts go crazy, even if everything is ok.
Or when I feel all these changes and I notice that everything is different and I have to get used first to all of this .. or there are specific incidents .. so much has changed .. and besides that, even all the new freedom and possibilities can creep you out and worry you.
I cant really express myself in this text, but I didnt dare to talk about this last friday .. because I always think that youre not interested in that or you just dont wanna hear it.
I hope you dont regret that you visited me last friday. I want to say that it had nothing to do with you .. and Im glad that you came even though you knew about the harsh conditions."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, thats her text.
I have to add that I made clear that I never want to hear about other guys shes dating and I already made some drama in the beginnig about other guys. But I have myself under control now. And I know shes on Tinder and stuff and that shes doing a lot of dating .. she wants to experience new stuff and get to know herself better.
Have in mind that she jumped in her relationship at the age of 16 and had no normal dating experience since then.
So I kind of understand her in this regard.

So what the hell do I do now?
What should I answer?
Always in mind that my goal is a relationship with that chick.

Would be really glad about some good advice.
If you have questions, just ask.
Author:  Playboi_ [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
You did good by making it clear that you are not an emotional tampon for we and do not need to hear about her other dates. Do NOT get over emotional yourself and blow up at her though. If she gets too dependent and clingy because she can't let stuff go, you need to withdraw your attention until she acts like an adult.

In that text, she is looking for reassurance that her behavior was appropriate. Do not answer the point she is trying to make, directly. Say something very neutral about it being good to have seen her that night or that you are glad you can bring the fun out in her. That situation she has going on is in her head now and you need none of it.

You are there to enjoy her company, and her yours but she needs to get the vibe that you have a life.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 3:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Tough one -

I think she's into you, or she wouldn't have even bothered with the text.

I think the english/language barrier may be preventing me from understanding some of the context, but it sounds like she likes you - wants to keep seeing you (or sleeping with you, or whatever), but she's been pretty up front and explicit that there are other guys and that this is casual.

You need to either accept that (and do the same thing as her ---- date others), or move on to someone else. If things move in the right direction with you, over time, she'll drop her guard and she'll suggest you two become exclusive.
Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Thx for the interesting answers.

I think its clear that I dont wanna hear something about her problems with other guys or her ex.
but Im interested in her feelings and also her emotional states
how could I communicate that (should I even?) without sounding like the biggest pussie ...
Or should I just concentrate on fun and good times without talking about her problems (how someone in a rs would do)?
Author:  Playboi_ [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Quote:
Thx for the interesting answers.

I think its clear that I dont wanna hear something about her problems with other guys or her ex.
but Im interested in her feelings and also her emotional states
how could I communicate that (should I even?) without sounding like the biggest pussie ...
Or should I just concentrate on fun and good times without talking about her problems (how someone in a rs would do)?
I would show her rather than tell her. Be a listening ear and the comfort she is looking for when you are together but not the gay friend ear with advice when she needs it.
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Don't even consider a relationship with this girl.

Make it clear to her that you are "casually dating" and allude to the fact that you are going to date other girls.

This will indirectly cause 1 of 2 scenarios, either:

1) The thought of you with other girls and the jealousy it creates will force her to decide if she wants to be with you or not. I do not recommend this option because she is not ready for monogamy. The better option would be...

2) She accepts that you are going to date other girls and is much happier and relaxed about fucking you, because she knows she can enjoy sex with you without feeling the pressure of being in a relationship with you. If you take the pressure off her, you will get more sex. BUT, you should only pursue this option if: a) You are DEFINITELY going to date other women and fuck them and b) You are OK with the idea of her dating other guys / her ex.

Tread carefully. You might be better off just going no contact and dating girls with less emotional baggage.
Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 5:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Ok, I try to go road number 2 ..
Its risky, because Im not sure if Im emotionaly ready ^^
But we will see.
We made a lot of progress in the last few weeks and I dont want to stop it right now.

Im planning to write her the following lines.
Maybe one of you guys sees a terrible nogo somewhere, which I did not catch in my love fever :roll:
---------------------------------------------------------
"Hey X
I guess you figured it out by yourself that we both didnt really know how to react that friday night.
But you warned me. But Im glad that I still saw you smile that night.
I dont know exactly whats on your mind and for this reason I cant give you a specific answer.
But I can say this: I wouldnt came by, if I dont care about how you feel.
That means, that you can tell me whats on your mind.
With a little common sense you can easily figure out if the subject is appropriate to be discussed between us.
I understand your current situation.
Almost too much new stuff, too much insecurites, too much posibilities.
But if you want to grow, you have to go through this by your own.
Experience new stuff, make your own decisions"
-----------------------------------------------------------

haha of course it doesnt sound that bad in the original language.
But maybe still too cheesy?
Any inputs?
suggestions for a good last sentence?
Author:  Playboi_ [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 5:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Too emotional and invested, like I said.

But hey, fuck my advice.
Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Quote:
Too emotional and invested, like I said.

But hey, fuck my advice.
Not at all! Beeing too invested was a big problem for me in the past.
But its not that easy if youre involved with all these emotions ...

Maybe I skip the first part.
But I think the last few lines are quite okay .. ?
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Quote:
"Hey X
I guess you figured it out by yourself that we both didnt really know how to react that friday night.
But you warned me. But Im glad that I still saw you smile that night.
I dont know exactly whats on your mind and for this reason I cant give you a specific answer.
But I can say this: I wouldnt came by, if I dont care about how you feel.
That means, that you can tell me whats on your mind.
With a little common sense you can easily figure out if the subject is appropriate to be discussed between us.
I understand your current situation.
Almost too much new stuff, too much insecurites, too much posibilities.
But if you want to grow, you have to go through this by your own.
Experience new stuff, make your own decisions"

^^ This would sound excellent if you slipped it into her locker during recess.
Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Quote:

^^ This would sound excellent if you slipped it into her locker during recess.
Is that your way of saying "creeeepy!" ? ^^
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Don't send that message. That would be the "nails in the coffin".

All you need to convey is:

1) I'm going to date other girls and
2) We can still see each other casually, no pressure, if you're cool with this.

Nothing more than that needs to be said. Don't try to understand her feelings. Women think with their clitoris, not with their head.

Don't be needy bro, it's gross to read how much you suck at this. But we will help you regain your balls!
Author:  dreamcast [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
haha you should read some of my other "big" and "deep" messages from the past ...
And she still wants to see me
Shes pretty tough :mrgreen:

But thx .. will keep it short and clear
Author:  BrandonMarshall [ Tue Aug 12, 2014 2:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Don't expect a relationship with her... Stop getting heavy on her.

Keep it light hearted and fun... or move on.

Being straight out of a relationship is hard for anyone and if you get too close to her you're gonna creep her out. Especially since it's been 8 YEARS with the guy.

In fact get the hell out of the mind state of wanting a relationship with a woman this early in the game. You hardly know her enough to make that call.

Approach every situation where you're just gonna sit back and see what happens. get to know her... have fun with her... just have a good time. Stop sending text messages that are over a paragraph long.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Tue Aug 12, 2014 5:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dating a girl whos life just changed
Square peg, square hole.

Don't try make her your gf, it is what it is. She's obviously open to dating other guys and if you're OK dating her still then cool, but if you're already invested then pull yourself out and see other women. She's interested, but she's also interested in playing the field so to speak.
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