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Why do breakups destroy me so much?
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Author:  Breaking Bad [ Fri Jul 26, 2013 12:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Why do breakups destroy me so much?
I have a pretty serious recurring problem that seems to affect me much more so than other people.

I probably wont find an answer to it on here with the 'go fuck 10 other women' responses you seem to get. But maybe I could get some insight.

The last 3 long term relationships Ive had, after we break up, something in me changes. 2 times the breakup was fairly mutual. But then something happens afterwards where I realise Im losing something, and I just change. I go on a drunken binge, or get addicted to sleeping pills everyday and cant even function and it lasts for months. I think about it all the time, like negative thoughts, imagining them with someone else, think that Im going to be alone forever... really insecure thoughts.
The thing is I am never like this before the breakup or when Im single and happy, ever... Im practically the opposite.
I end up ruining things with the girl so that they usually resent me, or it feels like it was completely their decision to leave me. I usually ask for them back or something stupid, then get even sadder when they decline.

Why does it destroy me so much? I know Im being a complete pussy. I can see it happening to myself but its like I dont have the willpower to control it because its just an emotional phase that takes over. I fucking hate it and it ruins the quality of my life, sleep, other friendships and it makes me not even want to see other women when there are plenty reaching out to me. I just turn them down and cant be bothered. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely resent this kind of behaviour in people too. stop sooking and enjoy your life. But I literally get like this for months on end and I try do as much as I can, like see other girls, go to the gym, break contact with the ex, etc. but it takes so long. Im currently at 6 months after a breakup and here I am writing this.

I was spoilt as a kid by my mum, maybe thats got something to do with all of this Im not sure.

It honestly scares me to think one day Ill be married with kids and go through a rough divorce that I wont be able to handle.
Author:  Wolfwoodd [ Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
Are you prone to addictions? Relationship endorphins are like heroin. They are addictive.

Have you ever considered having strictly open relationships? If break-ups are really THAT bad for you, then it's something to consider. Since I started doing that, I don't really have break-ups with the girls I get serious with. If anything, we just see each other less and stay friends (or FB's). It's also nice because I never have to worry about girls lying to me (or accusing me of lying to them).

Further reading (The Iron triangle post): http://www.fastseduction.com/cgi-bin/se ... hod=browse

-Wolf
Author:  fishnwomen [ Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
I have been there before too, it's messy.

The best way to do it is, as you said, go out and meet new people. Seriously.

Your thoughts have an overwhelming power over your reality. Negative thoughts = negative reality. Positive thoughts = positive reality.

Focus on staying positive, you now have the opportunity to pursue other women since your relationship ended. You get to have fun and meet new people, which is a lot better than a failing relationship.

As for alcohol and drugs- don't do them, they will only make it worse. It's a self fulfilling prophecy if you do that when you are depressed.

Go to the club a few times, pick up a few numbers, and generate some kino, and then see if you feel depressed. You will feel a lot better once you start doing this.
Author:  Playboi_ [ Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
I have a friend like this. He is a serial "relationshipper." He is so uncomfortable in his own skin that he needs that body next to him, for validation at all times. He was with a girl for 6 years. 6 years! Mind you, I am 22. That is quite serious. Less than 2 weeks after their messy breakup (always is because of his depression), he is serious with another girl. He has been with her for about 2 years now.

And now she even poses a bigger threat to his addictive personality because she parties even harder than he does. That is a story for another time. Long story short, you two are one in the same in the sense that you should not be in a relationship. At least for right now. You obviously are not comfortable with where you sit in life at this moment and have some searching to do. Live in the moment. Let each day come and understand it ALWAYS has the potential to be better than the last.

The only person that can prove that statement false is, you guessed it.....you. So, man up. Get out there and make tons of friends. Some you will sleep with, some you will become super close with, some you will fucking hate because they will stab you in the back or you just lose common interests.
Author:  User13247 [ Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
The thing is, one some level you prefer wallowing in your own misery. Looking back and fantasizing about how it could have been is much easier than dealing with reality. You say you have tried the behavior that is associated with moving on, but that it didn't work. Of course it hasn't, you haven't moved on mentally. If you want to move on, you have to change your mindset.
Author:  Breaking Bad [ Sat Jul 27, 2013 1:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
thanks for the advice guys, youre all hitting the nail on the head...
Quote:
The thing is, one some level you prefer wallowing in your own misery. Looking back and fantasizing about how it could have been is much easier than dealing with reality.
This hits home. I see my ex as my dream girl and that dream of marrying her and having a family and life with her is gone and I just struggle to deal with it. The thought of them doing that with someone else instead of me really fucks with me too. When they find someone else it gets worse again. I pike myself up by saying that there are better girls out there, but then if I go out and sleep with someone else, and dont see them stacking up against my ex, it just brings me down again as if I am becoming worse off. I can only see that finding a girl I see as truly better than the ex will fix this, but that's almost impossible when you cant get over them and you miss everything. Time has helped in every scenario. I look at my other 2 serious exes now and am happy for them. The problem is the amount of time this takes for me to see this is just ridiculous compared to other people.
Quote:
If you want to move on, you have to change your mindset.
I know I do. How does one 'change their mindset.' Is this where I need to consider seeing a psychologist?
To me its the same as when I try telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed. Sadly it doesn't work like that...
Author:  Soy Un Pony Dork [ Sat Jul 27, 2013 2:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
Quote:
Quote:
If you want to move on, you have to change your mindset.
I know I do. How does one 'change their mindset.' Is this where I need to consider seeing a psychologist?
To me its the same as when I try telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed. Sadly it doesn't work like that...
I think different things do it for different people, and that's why it's not so simple. You have to figure out what your motivation truly is, and then you need to align what you know you have to do with your motivation. So if you know that you want to finish school, you have to make the school work seem fun because nobody wants to do school work, they want to have fun.

You want to get back together with your old girlfriend, but you're unsure whether or not that will happen. So you need to align your thinking. Try to use what you know. Women like a man who's in control and confident. They also like men who are with other women. So perhaps the best way to get back with her is to see other women.

You can also change what you want. When people fail at school, they often compensate by doing something else worthwhile. Sometimes that's even a better move for them. So in that sense, stop thinking about her as someone you want to marry. Just forget about her and go meet new women. It'll change what you want.

This stuff would work for me, but it's different for everybody. All we're really doing is changing our behaviour and thinking to influence our mood, and if feelings were all that easy to control, then we wouldn't have these problems, but time and positive thoughts do help. It's like the trick with smiling and sitting in a powerful pose for a few minutes. They make you feel better. Try doing something that makes you feel accomplished. That'll hopefully help your habit of dwelling on the bad things. You've got to lose yourself in something so you can forget. Good luck man.
Author:  User13247 [ Sat Jul 27, 2013 8:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Why do breakups destroy me so much?
Quote:
Quote:
If you want to move on, you have to change your mindset.
I know I do. How does one 'change their mindset.' Is this where I need to consider seeing a psychologist?
To me its the same as when I try telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed. Sadly it doesn't work like that...
I know it sounds so much easier than it is. A broken heart is actually somewhat comparable to depression, even on a neurological level. I think the most important thing that you can do is to stop yourself thinking about (and comparing new girls with) your ex. Take the conscious decision not to do that anymore, and seek distraction if you find yourself doing it. Good distractions are socializing, sports, music, work, study, etc. (I think you know the drill). Accept invitations to socialize even if you feel like you can't be bothered. Set yourself some goals (it doesn't really matter in what), and work toward achieving them. Once you get out of the vicious cycle, you will find these things much easier. I don't think it is necessary to see a psychologist in your case, but you could always do this if you feel you need someone to talk to. The great thing about psychologists is that you can be completely honest with them, which is not always possible with people close to you.

EDIT: And stop the excessive self-medicating, it can cause serious problems.
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