PUA Forum
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/

Completely opened up to my girlfriend. Serious post...
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=119415		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  Century100 [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:14 am ]
Post subject:  Completely opened up to my girlfriend. Serious post...
Recently, if any of you remember, I made a post about finding it difficult to trust my girlfriend.

Good news is, I've really been improving that and feel like I can completely trust her to do her best in terms of her effort in the relationship.

The thing is, for some reason I still sometimes have a nagging thought that some event in the future is going to trigger a break up. I don't expect to marry this girl (even though I haven't ever been as into someone as her) because I know that in today's age, relationships don't work in the vast majority of cases. Although in terms of communication, arguing, being playful etc we are very good at the moment, I still know in the back of my mind that eventually the relationship will end, statistically speaking.

Yesterday she said "I love you. I will always be yours"
And I replied "How can you say that? You don't know what's going to happen in the future"
And she basically got very heartbroken because she thought that what I meant by saying that is that I can't see the relationship progressing etc. Which is fair enough - but I explained to her that It's not that I don't love her, it's just that I have a bad view on relationships lasting long because of a problem within me.

With some relief, she asked If I was maybe just insecure, and I admitted that I've given it a lot of thought...but at the end of the day, I honestly feel pretty comfortable in myself so told her "I don't think it's that". However, I did admit that I DO have little faith in relationships as a whole.

This view has been obtained through life experiences such as hearing tragic stories of close couples suddenly falling out of love, and also how I've seen so many girls flirt with me and other guys despite being in relationships.

My question is - my girlfriend now knows that I am in a sense afraid of losing her. And I don't feel bad, or weak admitting that for once in my life. I've realised that it's not because I'm afraid of being alone that I'm like this..It's literally because I don't want to lose her as a girlfriend, because I do love her.
She told me that now that she knows what my problem is, she feels so much closer to me and feels good knowing that I can depend on her the same way she depends on me when she needs help. Telling her also somehow made me feel less bad about feeling that way, to the point where I don 't really worry nearly as much about it now because I feel that she won't reject me for having weakness.

But I'm worried now that she might subconsciously lose respect for me, for knowing that I too have vulnerabillities. Even though she told me she felt very happy that she knows I can trust her and that we can depend on each other, I'm worried that ultimately I might have given this relationship a death sentence. Men should not feel weak, and should be completely emotionally dependent, as my great dad once told me.

Is it OKAY for us guys to open up to girlfriends if something is bothering us? Do we ever have that luxury?
Have I ruined her perception of me?
Have I put her in a place of power?
And assuming I continue being the same fun guy I always was with her, maintaining a sense of challenge, treating her right and trusting her - has anything changed for the worse?

I'm hoping that by being honest with her, I haven't ironically ruined everything.
Author:  Cointoss [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 9:13 am ]
Post subject: 
I don't think you'd been able to put more contradictions in the amount of words you used than you have.

When someone starts the romantic bs just say something like "oh, that's sweet of you to say", or something. Everybody knows that the future is unknown and that nothing is truly forever. Why ruin the moment if someone wants to feel romantic?

That said, why do you worry so much? Does it serve any purpose to ask the questions that you do? You say you're comfortable with yourself, so be comfortable with yourself. Don't worry about if she leaves you or not. If she does, then there just isn't a match and you'll still be comfortable with yourself.

And yes, it is is ok to open up to girlfriends and share your thoughts and all the mushy stuff. You just still need to be aware of timing and delivery as always.
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:05 am ]
Post subject: 
hmm
Author:  Century100 [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:35 am ]
Post subject: 
Well that's the thing Cointoss. I think what you mean by "contradictions" could be about how I say "I'm totally secure!" yet feel the way I do.
Truth is, I'm not so sure myself. I don't feel stupid, or ugly, or bad to be around at all - and actually smile when I look at myself in the mirror or think about what I have achieved in life, or how people perceive me in general. Yet at the same time, I worry so much. This isn't the only thing I've worried about. I have in the past year alone:

a) Convinced myself that I was going to die of Athsma, a disease which is not only rarely fatal, but which I also do not even have.
b) Convinced myself that I was either gay or asexual, due to a one time incident where I kissed a girl and didn't get an erection, despite the fact that I don't find dudes attractive and have always wanted to be with women.
c) I truly believed for awhile that I was dying of anorexia, and felt like throwing up at the thought of eating because I was so anxious.
d) And now, after being perfectly happy in my relationship, have started to have serious doubts about not only my own, but every other relationship.

a) b) and c) no longer affect me in the slightest, and I understand how idiotic those thoughts were. Haha. I do understand that even now I might be being silly...but anyway that's not the point. The point is that you successfully did answer my initial question and I thank you for that, so cheers :)

Whatcha thinking Mack?
Author:  cixxy [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:45 am ]
Post subject: 
you are right
girls actually lose respect for you if you admit a weakness or if you say to your gf that you are afraid of losing her.
u dont want them to think that u lost the skillz to get other women. western girls like it only if they know u can get another girl easily like a player/celeb duz. its different with asian girls
u should say to her that u dont really mean what u said but u was just tryin to comfort her. Just tell her u have feelingz for her but u shuld kind of shrug it off like its nothin or idk something along those lines
Author:  Century100 [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:00 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for your input cixxy
I think as long as I continue to up-the-charm with other women and maintain a challenge/let her know that I'm not only going out with her because shes the only girl that will take me (ie I have other options etc) things should remain largely unchanged.
Hoping anyway :) Logically that makes sense.

ACTUALLY - realistically speaking...if she stops liking me because of how I am then I shouldn't blame my actions anyway. Of course I would be heartbroken momentarily...but if that's the reason this relationship would end then that CAN indeed be by all means considered a variable which is out of my control..
This stuff is interesting
Author:  cixxy [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
if you subconsciously are afraid of losing her u will lose her so try and change that though but it sounds good
Author:  Cointoss [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
you are right
girls actually lose respect for you if you admit a weakness or if you say to your gf that you are afraid of losing her.
u dont want them to think that u lost the skillz to get other women. western girls like it only if they know u can get another girl easily like a player/celeb duz. its different with asian girls
Opening up to someone is not the same as showing weakness. If anything it is putting yourself in a vulnerable position and the opposite of emotional weakness is not emotional strength (because there is no such thing) but vulnerability without being afraid.

If I feel so strongly about someone I'd feel sad for losing them I'll damn well tell them (ok maybe not like "oh baby please stay with me forever I'll be so miserable without you", because that is not true anyway, but more like show appreciation they are there and confirm that life wouldn't be as good without them). If they consider that weak, well I'll probably change my mind about that feeling sad part because stuck up c*nts who only like players who don't give a shit and can't tell being played from real emotional connections are not my schtick for longer than the eyed timeframe anyway.

Incidentally my only LT relationship (1yr+ by my def) was with an Asian girl so perhaps you are right about western women but I'm not going to play games for an more than a few months at most just because some people don't appreciate sincerity anymore.
Author:  cixxy [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Opening up to someone is not the same as showing weakness. If anything it is putting yourself in a vulnerable position and the opposite of emotional weakness is not emotional strength (because there is no such thing) but vulnerability without being afraid.
When have i mentioned anything about opening up?

Its just how western women have adapted, they want a guy to be preselected and sayin that u are afraid to lose her is really the opposite of that and goes against everything. Asian girls are different cause they have been traditionally brought up to have pre-arranged marriages back in the day so they didnt get to decide for themselves.
Also look at alpha gorillas etc they are always surrounded by women
Author:  Cointoss [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Opening up to someone is not the same as showing weakness. If anything it is putting yourself in a vulnerable position and the opposite of emotional weakness is not emotional strength (because there is no such thing) but vulnerability without being afraid.
When have i mentioned anything about opening up?

Its just how western women have adapted, they want a guy to be preselected and sayin that u are afraid to lose her is really the opposite of that and goes against everything. Asian girls are different cause they have been traditionally brought up to have pre-arranged marriages back in the day so they didnt get to decide for themselves.
Also look at alpha gorillas etc they are always surrounded by women
Telling someone you care enough about them to feel about about losing them is what I would categorize under "opening up".

I disagree fully with your views. There is no difference with regards to that pre-arranged marriage thing for Western-born Asian people We are all brought up with the same cultural values. This

Maybe a girl favours "preselection" in the earlier parts of a relationship. But if a girl favours this quality over sincerity later on, well, it won't be me who will be pleasuring her until death do us part. If you really like each other "pre-selection" is simply the least of your concerns unless you have the misfortune to be with a, as I said, stuck up c*nt. I'll be happy to leave them to you and your methods.
Author:  giacomolisotti [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think it's probably a DLV, but the main problem here is the
self-fulfilling prophecy that relationships are gonna end.
If you keep having this belief you are gonna make it come true
somehow so I would suggest working on your mind with some
NLP, Hypnosis to make sure you feel like a big pimp and you
have so much value to give that really she would never leave
you for anything in the world.
Author:  cixxy [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
western raised asians can be different. just sayin those who weren't born in the western culture or those international ones.

And if you tell them that u just appreciate them and life wont be as good without them like u said thats not saying "I am afraid to lose you". That's a totally different way to say it. In fact its something i suggested in my first post on this topic.

Also at any point in a relationship it can go stale so saying stuff like im afraid to lose u strictly in those words will not do wonders unless she knows u can get a girl easily , which means ur just being modest in that case instead of an actual DLV
Author:  cixxy [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I think it's probably a DLV, but the main problem here is the
self-fulfilling prophecy that relationships are gonna end.
If you keep having this belief you are gonna make it come true
somehow so I would suggest working on your mind with some
NLP, Hypnosis to make sure you feel like a big pimp and you
have so much value to give that really she would never leave
you for anything in the world.
exactly
Author:  Cointoss [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
western raised asians can be different. just sayin those who weren't born in the western culture or those international ones.

And if you tell them that u just appreciate them and life wont be as good without them like u said thats not saying "I am afraid to lose you". That's a totally different way to say it. In fact its something i suggested in my first post on this topic.
Ok. Perhaps our opinions don't differ so much perhaps. The bottom line is if you say something from confidence you help the relationship and if you say something from spinelessness and fear then you don't.

OP can decide for himself which of the two it was... If a girl leaves a man who is always confident and so forth then there is nothing he could've done better to save the relationship anyway.
Author:  Century100 [ Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
Good points
What I actually did say is that I fear the relationship will end, and that it doesn't have to do with her, it's just that I have a fear of the unknown. I told her straight up "I don't know how it would end. I really can't imagine you going for another guy, and I know you love me. Same goes with me. I guess I'm afraid that, for whatever unknown event, things won't be the same."

To me, that translates to "I'm afraid of losing you. Not because I'm not good enough, or because you're not good enough, but because of a weakness within myself that I just have a negative view on relationships."

So I guess it could maybe be a DLV...but so be it. If I'm really expected to feel completely confident at every single point in my life in order to keep a girl, then the chances of any guy getting and keeping a girl is futile. NOONE can always, no matter what, feel completely content at every point in there lives, everyone has fears at some point, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.
This is the one thing I can't agree on about pick up telling us "You have to always be completely "alpha" and "strong" in order to get attractive women"

Look around you - how many guys in ltr's (around the world) do you know never have concerns/show sincerity? I think it's an unrealistic ambition to make ourselves perfect and completely unphazed by anything. Of course I can repeat in my head "If I break up with his girl, who cares! I can easily get another" and yes, that is true for most guys. But to me that's very besides the point. Getting another girl is easy...anybody can do it. Keeping one requires work.
Page 1 of 2 All times are UTC
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
http://www.phpbb.com/