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Pure love or one-itis?
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Author:  Little Panda [ Tue Sep 08, 2009 2:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Pure love or one-itis?
Here's the deal:
I know that one-itis is when you have feelings for some person that does not respond in the same way back. Well, in my situation it's kinda different. She is my best friend and we love each other (as friends). Only problem is that I love her more than a friend, and she does NOT know about it.

I lied, there's another problem. She has a boyfriend that she is engaged to. However, she's been telling me that I'm the perfect boyfriend material and that she could imagine us being together. Unfortunately, she loves her boyfriend more than me, even though we've kissed, cuddled and done everything but having sex. So if she is my best friend, responds to my secret feelings openly and loves spending time with me: Is it still one-itis?

I've been searching the web on how to "cure" one-itis. This is what I found:

..."Freeze out.."
.." Stay away from her..."
..."Erase and delete anything that reminds you of her.."
..."Go sarging and socialize..."

Bla bla bla....

Since she is my best friend, I can't really ignore or stay away from her. I tried doing that last week and I almost got her crying. The only thing that I can do is SARGE and SOCIALIZE. Is this going to help me then? For example, if I get a girlfriend (and obviously, I won't love my girlfriend as much as her...), will time heal my wounds and help me get over her?

If you give me any advice, please do so in DETAIL. I'm in pain people, help me out here as fast as you can.
Thank you in advance,

Zen.
Author:  Jonas_Al_Caponas [ Tue Sep 08, 2009 5:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
I've had this happen to me before, same situation almost exactly.
The thing I did was learn to downgrade. I had to accept the fact that her and I will never be a couple and that we were meant to be friends and nothing more. This is a hard realization to come to, and it took time and energy to realize.
First things first though. Find out what it is you REALLY want. Do you really want to be with her? Think about wheather or not you might just be feeling jealousy or abandonment issues because of her engagement.
Secondly, make a choice based on your conclusion. If you love her then you have no choice but to go after her and tell her how you honestly feel. If you wait too long there is nothing she can do. The truth is, unfortunatly, that you may have waited too long already and she cannot be swooned away from her fiance. In which case, you must renounce these feelings and be truely happy for her, because she is your friend.
If you decide that your feelings are not as strong as you thought, then you hopefully realize she will be happy with her fiance and that you in turn, are happy for her.
Good luck,
Cheers from Portland,
JONAS.
Author:  Little Panda [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:59 am ]
Post subject: 
I have thought about this carefully and here is my conclusion: I love her from the bottom of my heart, but I do NOT want to be with her. I want her to stay with her boyfriend and be happy.

The reason I concluded it this way is personal and that's just how it is. Now my question is: How do I proceed from here and get rid of my feelings? I've tried to think negatively about her and I have realized that we wouldn't exactly be the best couple. But still, that does not seem to help me at all...

Any advice on how to proceed from here?
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Now my question is: How do I proceed from here and get rid of my feelings? I've tried to think negatively about her
Dude, be honest with yourself...

You mentioned in your initial post that you love her more than a friend. This typically means that you WOULD want to be a couple with her. Why wouldnt you? You love her intimately right? So stop trying to think negatively of her in order to get over her, it doesnt work. I tried this for 3 yrs, and I'm not joking. Almost every day of my life I would visualize her as being ugly, gross to look at naked,nasty,bitchy etc etc. This doesnt work as your heart does not 'feel' based on logic ie. your head.

Dont trick yourself into thinking that you dont want to be with her (as a lover/bfriend). Accept it. Rather tell yourself 'yes the way I feel right now I would love to be with her BUT that I know its not going to happen and therefore have made a firm decision to get over it.'. This way youre not lying to yourself...if feelings are there, you should never pretend theyre not there, doing that can f*ck you up good and proper.

Feelings are funny things...they often go against what our head is telling us. I was in love with someone for 5 yrs. For the last 3 yrs of those 5 yrs, i knew in my HEAD she was so wrong for me...like seriously wrong for me...but my heart would keep me going back to her. Its counter-intuitive isnt it. It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head, its never the other way round. And this is how one gets over someone, make the decision, and them let time pass. This time will allow for your heart (feelings) to catch up with your head (which is logic).

So, even though in your heart you want to be with her, your head is telling you (hopefully) that it aint going to work, you KNOW its not going to work already dont you? So, (and I know this is easier said than done)...if you are finding that you are not happy with the way things are (ie. when you see her you want to be with her but you cant, and that hurts you), then lose contact with her.

She may cry, so what, shes in a better position than you right now...put yourself first. This will of course involve you letting her know exactly WHY you need some time away from her so that she understands...and so what, if shes a good friend and cares for you, she will let you go.

In summary, if you feel you are not 100% happy, tell her how you feel, lose contact with her. Do it. Lifes too short to sit around hopelessly in the friend zone when you could be finding someone even more amazing than her, PLUS having fun while youre at it.

Hope this helps.
Author:  Little Panda [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 2:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Vision, that must be the best damn post I have ever read. I admit that I've been lying to myself all this time and denied my feelings.

Yes, I love her and I would love if we could be a couple. However, she is happy and has a boyfriend plus that she isn't a good girlfriend for me.

You say you were in love for 5 years? I can NEVER imagine going through that pain for so long. How exactly did you do it? Breaking contact with her seems like something I could never do... I feel trapped. This is because her boyfriend will be studying in the US for a year and he will return after the next summer. All she's got is ME. If I leave her now, it will break her man. It will crush her mentality instantly. I mean, if she started almost crying because I was angry with her, imagine what would happen in I left her?

I hope there are some other solutions. Sorry, but I'm just having a hard time accepting that I have to break contact with her in order for me to move on.

What if I get a girlfriend?

.... Gah...
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
You say you were in love for 5 years? I can NEVER imagine going through that pain for so long. How exactly did you do it?
She was my girlfriend (on and off) for 5 yrs....after 2 yrs into the relationship i went overseas for 2 years (for reasons I cant say here), we were both with other people while i was away. I thought i was over her when i returned home...she thought she was over me. We saw each other and bang we realized we were far from over each other. 2 yrs of trying to get over her while i was away felt like it was down the drain! So we tried again for another few months bringing us to 5 yrs in total...and FINALLY during these few months i realized that the love I once had for her wasnt really there anymore like it used to be. The fact that she had slept with someone else and the fact that I had slept with other girls really does something to you. It just wasnt the same...and this is when i could HONESTLY say to myself...oh my god I am finally getting over her!!! Hardest thing Ive had to do so far in my entire life was to let her go.

Anyway, really hate to break this to you but no matter how much she cries,loses her mind,go's insane, what ever...it is not your DUTY to stick around her just because her bfriend is going away. If you tell her the way you feel and the reason WHY you need to part, she should unerstand. Tell her (as gay as it sounds) that youre hurting, and does she really want you to feel that way all the time?? If she doesnt care about you being hurt, then ummm...it shows the level of respect she has for you.

Look you can either continue being best buddies with her and HOPE that you get over her. Or you can take some time out (even if its a month) and just see how that go's. You will probably find yourself in a better position after a month with other things to occupy yourself with. At the very least, try see alot less of her. Its not fair on you seeing her so often....she has you as a comfort buddy to confide in...and there you are remaining fairly hurt because you cannot be with her. Like I said, put yourself first (and you can do this while at the same time making it clear that you care about her, so that she understands why you are leaving).
Author:  Little Panda [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:05 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Anyway, really hate to break this to you but no matter how much she cries,loses her mind,go's insane, what ever...it is not your DUTY to stick around her just because her bfriend is going away. If you tell her the way you feel and the reason WHY you need to part, she should unerstand. Tell her (as gay as it sounds) that youre hurting, and does she really want you to feel that way all the time?? If she doesnt care about you being hurt, then ummm...it shows the level of respect she has for you.
That's some interesting story you told... So your feelings just... went away suddenly?

It feels as if I will never get rid of these feelings. I understand what you're telling me. I will trust you and take your advice, HOWEVER: I want to try all other possibilities before taking this big step and taking some time off. Is it possible for me to get a girlfriend, and hopefully "transfer" my feelings to her?

If not: Anything else I can do before I leave her? I really want to use this as my very LAST option. Because as soon as I leave her, she will seek comfort with her other friends (guy friends) and just seeing her hugging and talking to them will kill me slowly...
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
So your feelings just... went away suddenly?
no not suddenly. It is a gradual and it takes time. But you must have made a firm decision to LET GO. Its about TRULY accepting that youre going to let go. I believe it took me so long to get over her 100% as there were always these strings of hope. There was always a 'what if she changes into the person i want to marry' in the back of my mind, and this was the big problem.

And yes meeting someone else can most certainly help you get over her. This happens often.

And i know what you mean when you say you think you'll have these feelings for ever...but you wont. I promise.

Another thing...dont EVER wait around for someone to change!

Aside from the above, if you ever find a 'quick fix' to get over someone that youre in love with...please do let me know!
Author:  Little Panda [ Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:46 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
So your feelings just... went away suddenly?
no not suddenly. It is a gradual and it takes time. But you must have made a firm decision to LET GO. Its about TRULY accepting that youre going to let go. I believe it took me so long to get over her 100% as there were always these strings of hope. There was always a 'what if she changes into the person i want to marry' in the back of my mind, and this was the big problem.

And yes meeting someone else can most certainly help you get over her. This happens often.

And i know what you mean when you say you think you'll have these feelings for ever...but you wont. I promise.

Another thing...dont EVER wait around for someone to change!

Aside from the above, if you ever find a 'quick fix' to get over someone that youre in love with...please do let me know!
Okay. Thank you for all your help. This has answered an extreme amount of questions I've been carrying around with me.

I will get a girlfriend first of all. If that doesn't help, then I guess I'm gonna have to take your advice and diss her completely.

I will PM you if I come up with a quicker escape that can be used ;)

I have no further questions, FOR NOW. Until then, peace bro...

Zen
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