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Lack of confidence, fear of talking to people, need advice?
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Author:  ConinxB [ Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Lack of confidence, fear of talking to people, need advice?
Well hi you all, I've been around here for a short time, checking out some topics and stuff.
But being busy with school, so didn't have much time to put into picking up and daygame etc.

But here's the deal, due to a lot of problems I had in school, being bullied and so on, I lost ALL of my confidence, what's left of it? Less then 0%. I don't seem to get my confidence back, which results in being unable to talk to other people too.

Throughout the years, I've become more and more introspective, always thinking ahead of everything. For example, on a party/in a club, when I walk in, I'm constantly thinking about how to behave in order that people might notice me, or just how to behave that people won't notice me. With this I mean like how to dance, how to act when people are watching you.

I never have fun, unless I'm fucking wasted that my friends have to carry me home. I just want to have fun, talk to other people, get to know new people, without being scared to talk to them.
Don't get me wrong, I do want to talk to girls, which is the biggest problem, whenever I see a girl, which seems kind of cute, I'm just affraid to walk up to her and start a conversation. And yes, I HATE IT.

I'm almost 21 years old (and from Belgium), and I've had some girlfriends, but none of those relationships lasted for more than a month. Fear of being rejected is another problem that causes me to be unable to talk to girls. I'm even too scared to talk on Facebook to girls..
I don't desire to be able to pick up multiple girls on a night (although that sounds great), I just want advice on how to get my confidence back, to be brave enough to walk up to that cute girl and talk to her, even without number or kiss closing! Just a conversation, getting to know people, would be a huge victory for me..

So guys, I think there are enough experienced PUA's around here that can give me the advice and tips I need, in order to do what I want: start a conversation with girls, picking them up, number close them, kiss close them, and eventually even meet 'the one'.

I hope you can help me, greetings ;)
Author:  Mastermind9000 [ Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Lack of confidence, fear of talking to people, need advi
Success breeds confidence. That's all you need to remember, so reframe things so you see your activities as successful. PROGRESS =success = happiness. Don't look at the 1000 HBs you didn't talk to, look at the one or two dudes or old ladies you did. If you never say hi to people, then do it. Those are successes because you are making steps.

You said you always think too far ahead, you are doing that at learning pua too. Don't look at not being able to pull an HB9.5 from a bar as a failure of anything other than you setting unrealistic goals. Frankly, if you are new then forget pickup, or girls for that matter, and just work on saying hello to strangers. Some people find the gradual approach easier.

Me on the other hand, started with hard approaches (coffee shops, big groups of girls) as success. Just the fact that I did it meant I could and since I was TERRIFIED of meeting anyone I took pride in my willingness to walk coals. It makes me feel brave. And since success was achieved the instant I approached I could stand there all happy with myself and the actual interaction is icing on the cake.

Build your new confidence on what you do to be more like who you want. Be scared and do it anyway. :)
Author:  ntg2978 [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 10:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Lack of confidence, fear of talking to people, need advi
Quote:
Throughout the years, I've become more and more introspective, always thinking ahead of everything. For example, on a party/in a club, when I walk in, I'm constantly thinking about how to behave in order that people might notice me, or just how to behave that people won't notice me. With this I mean like how to dance, how to act when people are watching you.
I would say this is a surefire way to get more and more nervous. Anytime you're paying more attention to other people's reactions to you, you put yourself into a situation where you have to get something from them, and so if they don't respond the way you want them to, your confidence level can diminish. Try instead to focus on the other people. Focus on the person you want to talk to, and observe them, and go in with the goal of making their day better and making them feel good; they will appreciate the interaction and you will gain valuable practice at interacting with people. Remember, anyone can focus on themselves, but it takes a confident guy to put himself aside and focus on the other person, and try to make them feel good.
Quote:
So guys, I think there are enough experienced PUA's around here that can give me the advice and tips I need, in order to do what I want: start a conversation with girls, picking them up, number close them, kiss close them, and eventually even meet 'the one'.
I completely agree with Mastermind9000 here, and I am in a similar boat, where I'm learning how to be more social myself. What I do, is to do the smile challenge the-newbie-mission-vt41556.html which really helps. Another thing you can do is to just start to ask people simple questions, "Hi, how are you?" or "How is your day going?" are great, because no one is going to tell you that they don't want to talk to you if you ask them that, although it's easy to rationalize that they will in your own head. Start off taking small steps, and then challenge yourself a bit more the next time, like take "Hi, how are you?" to "Hi, how are you? My name is ____ what's your name?" so that you get a response and extend the conversation out a bit more each time.

Just facing your fears will really help, but so will affirmations, autosuggestion, NLP techniques (such as associations and anchors), and mental practice seeing yourself behave the way you ideally would like to. Don't just do the solo stuff and neglect the practice, but also don't just do the practice and neglect the solo stuff either, do both together and you'll start making key distinctions about how things are, and start replacing generalizations you have with actual facts about reality, and you'll begin to see that your fear is really just because you have not done it before, and once you do part of it, the rest seems easier. The first step is always the hardest.
Author:  GamesSN [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 11:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Lack of confidence, fear of talking to people, need advi
Make a game out of it.
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