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Conversation, energy, being genuinely interested in people..
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=155569		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  n17 [ Fri Jan 25, 2013 10:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Conversation, energy, being genuinely interested in people..
Hi guys. Let me introduce myself first so I'll get a better idea of what is goin on.

I'm Ikki. It might seem like a monologue about my skills, my past relationship and my weaknesses. If you spot them and point them out that will help me! A lot! Any thought is highly appreciated! Particularly about conversations as I feel like I'm lacking in that field most. I have few sticking points and I'd be glad if you can have a look and help me out to sort them.

The story behind:
I had my girlfriend stolen by another guy.
It fucked me up. I still feel shattered from time to time. David deAngelo - Deep Inner Game & 7 Habits of highly effective people helped me a lot. However my mood is up and down. Down and up. Today for example I saw a picture of my ex after two months on fb. First thought - "my little girl..." and tears in the eyes. I think I still can't believe it has happened. One day I left to work. I came back. And my room was half empty. It took my more than two months to realize what really was going on for weeks.

I blame myself for not being good enough for her. I didn't listen to her. I wanted to but I didn't know how. I was always right. I always new better. I was focused on her problem (she's ill...) and I wanted her to get the SPAM while she gravely was standing against that idea. I was often stressed by that. I don't want her to die.

However. I worked 6 days a week for 12h doing nightshifts. While she worked only 2 or 3 for 5h/day. I was emotionally beaten. Without the energy all the time. Without enough sleep. As I always wanted to spend as much time with her as only I could. I took care of my hygiene but not health. I wasn't doing any gym or sth. I waited for her to get a proper job. As I felt bad of the idea going myself while we lived together. I found it inappropriate that she has always spend all the money she had but never talked her that as I didn't want to control her financially. And it might seem weird but I had more sex than I could handle. I think it was due to her emotional issues. There was a time when I just dreamed about on day of rest from sex to get some sexual drive back.

Now let me show you some bright side of me:
I can manage my life pretty well. After the break-up I signed-up to the gym. I do martial arts (Intense stuff 6 times a week, karate, boxing, muay thai, some weightlifting) I needed that to keep me busy during the hard times. I eat healthy. Don't remember the taste of the sweets or alcohol. I'm generally happy with what I see in the mirror. Don't take it as bragging I'm pointing it out just to let you know what you are dealing with. I have a motorbike, car, learning how to play guitar, learning photography. Finished uni half a year ago.

My sticking points:
1. I don't smile much.
2. I'm unemotional.
3. Don't really feel the need to be interested in another person when I speak to them.
4. I can't connect with guys or girls. I feel like something is fake even when I try.
5. I automatically want to say things from "my point of view" during the conversation.
6. My conversations are... dull and often go nowhere.
7. When I speak to more than 2 people I feel like I'm not being heard.
8. I'm never there for my family.
9. I don't feel like I can be funny. (Not the dancing monkey, in general during conversation I don't know what to do to be funny.)

AD1. I don't smile much:
Desc: I've been through that rising eyebrow and making a creepy smile stuff. However I feel that something inside me is missing. David de Angelo says happiness comes from being high on self-esteem and confidence. So basically my needs have to be met and I have to make right mature decisions. (win-win with the abundance mentality) and use the courage. Stephen R. Covey (7 Habits...) teaches about proactivity. That being happy is also a choice. You can make between the stimulus and response.

QUESTION: How do you make yourself feel happy when you are not feeling like that?


AD2. I'm unemotional.
Desc: "I don't care." I have what I want and don't feel the need to be concerned outside of my boundary. I find it hard to subordinate my feelings to the principles it works only with "principle of fairness" when I feel hatred towards ex.

Question: What makes your emotion itch? Does anyone learn how to be more emotional?


AD 3. Don't really feel the need to be interested in another person when I speak to them.
I'm trying. However the result is always the same. Something else is more important. Good example is. My brother's wife is pregnant. And recently I realized that asking her how is the pregnancy going is the way of being genuinely interested.

PS. About girls I found that post by DropoutBillionaire to bring part of the solution:
Quote:
"Hey man, I know what you're going through. I was at the same place where I just didn't give enough of a shit about women to want to genuinely get to know them. Something you could do is reserve your sexual energy. That worked like magic for me. Basically, stop jerking off and watching porn for a while and you'll almost definitely start feeling more interest towards women, and they'll be able to feel your interest in them and your sexual energy oozing out while you talk to them. Worth a shot. Good luck!"

Questions: Is it asking about things that are important for others? What if I don't know what is important for them? How do you see other people? What do you have in mind when you see a person (someone you know already?)

AD 4 & 5
I'm trying to have a conversation with them to make a connection. However it doesn't seem right.
I really want to! Maybe I'm asking wrong questions? OR answering in the wrong way?
I'm learning reflective listening and I see the effects however it's very hard for me as during conversation first thing that comes to mind when I want to respond in my case is "I."

The main issue SPAM. How to learn to have good conversations? and be genuinely interested in others?
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